The Bells of Peckham
by Gary Stocker & Paul Stocker
…Continued from yesterdays script the The Bells of Peckham part 4
scenes 22 to 32
ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
INT. NAGS HEAD – DAY
The Nags head is quite full with people attending the stag do.
Del is sat with Denzil dressed in top hat and jacket. Denzil is dressed smartly but with no top hat.
DEL
He’s a diamond, that brother of mine. Not that he’s a better choice than you, Denzil. He’s family, you know.
DENZIL
It’s fine, Del. We’ll all have a cracking day. Sounds like Rodney has it all sorted.
Rodney enters with Mickey Pearce. Both are in suits but no top hat.
DEL
Here he comes, look. What’s up, Rodders? You look like Eddie the Eagle’s beaten you over the line.
RODNEY
I’ve had a bit of an issue with the Venue.
DEL
Right. So… What’s happening?
DENZIL
Yeah. Where are we going?
RODNEY
Romford Dogs.
DEL
We’re going to the Dogs?
RODNEY
Yeah. Look, sorry Del. I just couldn’t…
DEL
I told you he was a diamond, Didn’t I, Denzil? Mum always said “If you look after him, he’ll look after you” Now I know how bloody wrong she was.
In the background Boycie, Marlene and Tyler, all togged up, walk through the crowded bar.
Denzil notices them first and nudges Del. Del looks round and upon seeing Boycie, stands.
DEL
Oh my god. As if my day couldn’t get any worse.
Rodney’s face drops.
BOYCIE
Blimey, this old place hasn’t changed.
(to Del)
And neither has your taste in clothes. Alright, Del-boy?
DEL
Good to see you, too, Boycie. Your taste in put down’s hasn’t changed, either. Still a snob, then? How’s Marlene.
Del and Marlene embrace with the obligatory “yelp” from Marlene.
MARLENE
You ain’t changed, Del.
BOYCIE
No he hasn’t. That’s the same suit I last saw him in.
DEL
Didn’t know you were coming?
BOYCIE
Oh yes, Del. Marlene, Tyler and I were quite excited to receive your wedding and stag invitation. So we booked into the Hotel down the road and here we are. Business good, Del?
DEL
Well, Boycie, actually I retired. Damien here is in charge of the business.
RODNEY
I’m still the M.D.
DEL
Like I said, Damien is in charge of the business.
MARLENE
Cor look at you, Damien. When I last saw you, you were full of spots and hair gel.
RODNEY
Now he’s full of bull..
DEL
Yes, Damien is now a daddy in his own right. Got a little Boy. I’m now a Grandaddy.
MARLENE
Really, Who’d of thought. How old?
DAMIEN
Three weeks. We called him Rafael.
BOYCIE
Rafael? Raf Trotter? You only need to put a riff in front of that and you’d be spot on.
DEL
Take no notice, Damien. He’s always been a snob.
BOYCIE
Well, Marlene. You’d better head back to the hotel. Me and Tyler will be alright for today’s festivities. Oh Didn’t I introduce Tyler? Come here, Son.
Tyler stands forward and shakes hands with everyone. Stands with Damien who is a similar age.
BOYCIE
Tylers just finished his University stint. Haven’t you, son.
RODNEY
Oh is that right? So what job are you doing, now?
TYLER
I’m on the dole.
BOYCIE
Er. He’s just waiting for the right opportunity to come along.
DAMIEN
Stick with me, Tyler. I’ll see your alright.
BOYCIE
Rodney, what have you been up to?
RODNEY
I’m the M.D. I also drive the van.
BOYCIE
Bloody hell. That’s a bit of a miracle.
RODNEY
What’s that?
BOYCIE
That van’s still running. So, what’s the agenda today, then. I must say you’re splashing out a bit. Royal Ascot. Mind you, I’m used to functions like this out in the country.
RODNEY
Yeah, well there’s been a last minute change of plan.
DEL
Ain’t there just.
RODNEY
We’re not going to Royal Ascot now.
BOYCIE
Oh. What’s the alternative?
RODNEY
Romford Dogs.
BOYCIE
We’re going to the dogs? Blimey. Perhaps Marlene should have come along. I could have lost her in the kennels for a couple of hours.
DENZIL
Who are we waiting for?
RODNEY
No, that’s all of us.
MICKEY
Remember I’ve got to be back by half eight.
RODNEY
Yeah yeah Mickey.
INT. ROMFORD DOGS – BAR – DAY
The stag do entourage enter the bar. The Ritz it is not. They loiter near the bar area. There are punters sitting at tables more interested in the monitors than anything else.
BOYCIE
So Rodney. Me and Tyler came to Del’s stag do expecting royal ascot.. and we’ll now be going home smelling like K9’s jock strap. Tell me… What happened.?
RODNEY
What happened? It’s perfectly obvious what happened, Boycie. I cocked up on the booking. I remember it now , I was at the auctions after those Bluetooth earpieces Damian wanted and I must of got me dates wrong.
BOYCIE
Oh how nice. So the company is now cornering the world in Bluetooth devices.
MICKEY
I wouldn’t want one of them.
RODNEY
What?
MICKEY
Bluetooth earpieces.
RODNEY
Probably because no one ever calls you. Denzil’s got one.
Denzil is tapping away at his ear trying to get it to work.
DEL
Cor blimey, hurry up and get us a drink will ya I’m dying of thirst here.
RODNEY
Sure. What do ya want Del ?
DEL
Cubre libre.
RODNEY
Er, I don’t think they do your exotic cocktails here. It’s the dogs.
DEL
Stone me bruv, well why ya bring us here for?
RODNEY
Look I’m sorry ok it’s all I could find last minute alright ?!
DEL
Right night we’re gonna have aren’t we? Watching lassie doing the Hokey Cokey all night.
BOYCIE
Be like an old nags head do then, Del.
DEL
(Annoyed)
So what do they do then, Rodney?
RODNEY
Lager.
DEL
Lager. Do I look like a lager lout to you, Bruv? Look at me, look, I’m done up to the nines. I feel a right div. Talk about overdressed.
RODNEY
Del – You’ve been overdressed all your life. When you went to have that filling done you wore a three piece suit.
MICKEY
Come on Rodney get this show on the road I’m on limited time, here.
RODNEY
Alright alright. Well let’s all put a score in for a beer kitty and take it from there. Micky get the rest of ‘em to sit down at that table and I’ll bring the the drinks over.
The group sit on the round table. Minus Del who’s gone to
the toilet.
DENZIL
So, Boycie, how’s life on the farm ?
BOYCIE
Busy Denzil, busy. Cattle to feed, fields to mow, Scarecrows to make. Oh yes. It’s one job after another. You should come and visit one day, denzil, I’m sure there’s a pig sty that needs mucking out somewhere or another. (Boycie laugh)
DENZIL
Thanks Boycie. I’ll keep it mind.
MICKEY
Scarecrows? Here, why don’t you just save the time and get Marlene to indulge in an early morning walk!
BOYCIE
How dare you talk about my wife like that!
TYLER
Yeah!
BOYCIE
You can’t expect her to walk that far.
TYLER
Yeah!
BOYCIE
Not at her age, anyway.
MICKEY
So Rod. Any plans to stitch up Del boy?
RODNEY
Well I can’t dress him up in anything. I mean he looks a big enough plonker as it is !
MICKEY
I remember When I was best man, god I hated the job. You’ve got to be so careful with the speech not to upset either side of the family. I was best man to eddie Collins, you remember him don’t you?
RODNEY
Yeah. We were in the same class at school wern’t we Mickey? Poor sod lost an arm six months before the the wedding in a bike accident.
DAMIAN
Bloody bikes. So dangerous.
RODNEY
It was a BMX !
MICKEY
The bride was horrified when he chose me to be best man. reckons I wasn’t up to the job!
RODNEY
Whatever made her come to that conclusion?!
MICKEY
Dunno.
RODNEY
Stag do wasn’t a mucher either!
MICKEY
Eddie got the right hump.
BOYCIE
Well spill the beans, Michael.
DAMIAN
Where did you take him?
MICKY PEARCE
Down the snooker hall.
DAMIEN
I don’t..
TYLER
My dad told me about you and he’s right. You are a right dipstick!
BOYCIE
Come on now. What about Del Boy.
TYLER
Let’s spike his drink?!
RODNEY
No way. Del doesn’t need any encouragement to get any louder. No, I had an idea. I thought I’d get ’em to announce something over the tannoy, stitch him right up. Tell them to say he’s won a prize or summink.
MICKEY
Like it rod.
RODNEY
Where do I go to do that then, Boycie?
BOYCIE
How the bloody hell do I know?
RODNEY
You’ve been here before ain’t you?
BOYCIE
Yeah in 1976!
RODNEY
Oh well I’m sure I’ll find it.
Del returns.
DEL
Oi oi what you lot whispering about then.
RODNEY
Oh nothing del.
MICKEY
Just on about the dogs Del.
DEL
Oh yeah. Come on then Boycie. You’re a betting man. You must have some tips for us. Feeling lucky tonight.
BOYCIE
Oh no Del Boy. That pleasure went long ago. I haven’t gambled for over ten years. Marlene was complaining that gambling was number one in my life. I said no Marlene, you’ve got to put shooting and fly fishing before that!
DEL
They don’t give you five minutes to yourself do they, hey?
MICKEY
You should be like me. No woman tells me what to do.
RODNEY
Listen to it.
MICKEY
It’s true.
DEL
No woman will have ya!
INT. NAGS HEAD – NIGHT
Raquel, Cassandra and Marlene enter the pub. Four of Raquel’s friends come up and kiss her on the cheek. They are along for the hen do also.
SHARON
Here for round two are we?
RAQUEL
Don’t tell me they are all plastered already.
SHARON
No. No. They were quite reserved. ‘Cept for that poncie, stuck up git with the moustache. Who’s he anyway?
MARLENE
My husband!
SHARON
Sorry. Didn’t mean to offend.
MARLENE
No it’s OK. You got him down to a tee. So Cassanda, are we off anywhere nice or are we spending the night here?
SHARON
I can tell you’re married to the ponce.
CASSANDRA
We’re here for a bit then we’re off to a pub up west. It’s going to be a bit special that one.
RAQUEL
I hope you haven’t gone to too much expense?
CASSANDRA
Don’t worry, you’re going to have a great time.
INT. ROMFORD DOGS – BAR – EVENING
The boys are sat round a table still. A little drunker.
DEL
Right, Boycie. I’m gonna win this next one. What’s the dog’s names?
RODNEY
Shame you didn’t have your old address book, Del. You could have picked a load of winners out of that.
BOYCIE
Denzil will you stop playing with your ear ‘ole. What have you got that thing in for?
DENZIL
It’s so I can keep in touch with my replacement driver. The contract is for seven days a week so I have to get another driver in for a couple of days.
BOYCIE
But it doesn’t work.
DENZIL
‘Course it works.
Denzil stands and fiddles with the earpiece. In the background we see all the monitors go on the blink.
MICKEY
Right chaps. I must away. I’ve got my art ladies to pose for.
RODNEY
Yeah I’ll see you to the door, Mickey.
(winks)
MICKEY
Oh Yeah. See you all. Have a good one.
DEL
Ta da Mickey, thanks for coming. Since when has Rodney needed to hold Mickey’s hand. Thought he gave that up last year?
DAMIEN
He’s just being kind, Dad.
CUT TO:
Mickey and Rodney by the exit door.
MICKEY
You going to do it now? Get on the tannoy?
RODNEY
Yeah. I just need to find it.
MICKEY
I think it’s over there.
RODNEY
Cheers, Mickey.
Mickey and Rodney exit.
EXT. THE DIAMOND ROOM BAR – NIGHT
A couple of taxi’s pull up outside the plush bar. Raquel looks out the cab window and her face lights up.
RAQUEL
Oh Wonderful. I’ve heard about this place. Very posh.
CASSANDRA
It’s not that posh. Come on. We’re VIP’s tonight.
EXT. ROMFORD DOGS, TRAINERS AREA – NIGHT
Rodney has wondered into the trainers area searching for the tannoy. He stops and looks confused. He then spots a door and goes through it.
INT. ROMFORD DOGS – BAR – NIGHT
All the boys are still sat around the table except for Rodney who is absent.
DEL
I tell you that brother of mine is a diamond. A true diamond.
EXT. ROMFORD DOGS, TRAINERS AREA – NIGHT
Rodney enters an area which is very darkly lit. He is now totally lost. Then, out of the darkness, we hear a dog growl.
Dog’s don’t like Rodney!
CUT TO:
Rodney’s frightened face as more dogs start growling.
INT. ROMFORD DOGS, BAR – NIGHT
Del returns to the table having placed a bet. He is standing facing the track while the others are still sitting.
DEL
This one’s a winner, I can feel it in my water. Hey, where’s my dipstick brother got to?
DAMIEN
Maybe he eloped with Mickey?
DENZIL
He nearly did that years ago.
They are all laughs. Del then spots something out on the racetrack and his face drops.
DEL
Oh my god. I’ve found Rodney.
BOYCIE
Where? In the tea hut?
DEL
No. He’s on the racetrack in first at the minute.
EXT. ROMFORD DOGS – RACETRACK – NIGHT
Rodney is hurtling along the finishing straight towards Del and the boys as a bunch of greyhounds follow him at speed.
INT. ROMFORD DOGS, BAR – NIGHT
ALL the stag entourage are now on their feet and staring open mouthed at Rodney racing towards them.
Scenes 33 onwards continues tomorrow in part 6