ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
OPEN FOR BUSINESS
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
There is no one in the living room,we can hear Albert singing in the kitchen,He is singing ‘She’ll be coming round the mountain’
Albert enters the living room,he has made him self some egg and chips for dinner.
Del and Rodney enter from outside.
DEL.Alright Unc,whats that your eating?
ALBERT.Just done me self some egg and chips son,if i’d have known you and Rodney were going to be back from the market so soon,i’d have done ya some.
DEL.Thats alright Unc,We’re too busy to eat,Ive gotta try and get hold of Monkey Harris and get some more of them personal stereo’s off him.
ALBERT.What happened to that hundred you bought off him Wednesday night,have the police confiscated ’em?
DEL.No,sarky,the police hav’nt confiscated ’em.
Del opens the cabinet and takes out his little black book,he is obviously looking for Monkey’s phone number.
ALBERT.Well what happened to ’em then?
RODNEY.We ate ’em did’nt we,what do you think happened to them,we’ve sold ’em.
ALBERT.All of em?
RODNEY.Yep,every last one,I knew they we we’re gonna make a packet on them.
ALBERT.Is that why you told Del to have nothing to do with ’em then?
RODNEY.Well i made a mistake,i can admit it,those personal stereo’s are coasha,in fact,Dels mate Tommy Dibble had a look at em and he’s an electronics expert,so they cant be faulty can they?
ALBERT.And he told ya that did he?
DEL(In the background)Well he bought two,what more proof do ya need.
ALBERT.Well if they aint faulty,whats wrong with them?
DEL.nothings wrong with ’em is there Rodney.
RODNEY.No,they are pukka Unc,look,even Ive got one.
Rodney lifts is coat,we see a chunky personal stero on his belt.
DEL.Yeah,and you still owe me for that,i aint forgotten,No they are handsome Unc,they even come with batteries included,what makes you think they would have anything wrong with ’em?
ALBERT.Well your selling ’em for a start.
Del reacts.
Del is still looking through the book.
DEL.ah,here it is,Monkey Harris.
Del picks up the phone and dials the number.
DEL.Hello,Monkey its Delboy,listen about them stereos i had off ya………..no no,i dont want my money back,I want some more………yeah,cushty,another hundred be alright……handsome,when can you drop em off?…..tommorow night,yeah no problem,leave em with my uncle if im not in,He’ll be the one with the black eye,(Albert reacts)…..yeah,seeya Monkey.
DEL.He’s gonna drop another hundred off tommorow night,so make sure your in ok Albert?
RODNEY.Wheres he getting these ones from Del?
DEL.His brother works in the factory that makes ’em,I thought I already told ya.
RODNEY.(a bit angry)You told me they wer’nt ‘hookey,You said he bought em from the factory that had gone out of bussiness.
DEL..Well it will be outta business soon.
RODNEY.Why?
DEL.Cuz monkeys brother keeps nicking the stock,no,im only joking Rodney,They’r rejects,no one minds him taking them.
RODNEY.Oh,so he’s allowed to have it away with 100 personal stereos is he,what is it a perk of the job,if I’d have known Monkeys brother was involved i’d have had nothing to do with em.
DEL.And whats wrong with Monkeys brother.
RODNEY.He nicks anything that isnt bolted down,and even if it is bolted down he has a bloody good go at it.
DEL.,thats a load of old rubbish,who told you that?
RODNEY.You.
DEL.Oh,well yeah,but that was before he went inside,he’s a changed man now.
RODNEY.So he’s done time as well,brilliant,we’re doing bussiness with convicted criminals now.
DEL.Its not like that Rodney,he was put inside because of his beliefs.
RODNEY.What beliefs?
DEL.He believed the nightwatch man was asleep,No no Rodney.you know what these big companies are like,all it takes is one sticker out of place and they throw ’em in the bin,Monkey was telling me,for every thousand stereos that firm makes,at least a hundred are thrown out.
RODNEY.Thats does’nt make it alright for him to take ’em.
DEL.Ok then Simon Templer,i’ll phone Monkey back and tell him we’ve changed our minds,then tommorow you can go back to selling rubbish from the suitcase,is that what you want?
RODNEY.No,course its not.
DEL.For the first time in our lives we’re making some real money Rodney,and im not just talking about them stereos,look how fast them brand new antique carriage clocks went last week,and the ladys coats the week before that,alright,they may not be the quality like you’d get from woolworths or selfridges but those people on the streets,our customers,they can’t afford to shop in places like that all the time,Its blokes like us they go to,and who am i to deny them a cheap luxury if i can get my hands on it,and not only that,like i said,we’ve made some real money these last few weeks,is’nt it nice to have some money in your pocket for a change,ay?
RODNEY.(upbeat)Yeah,i aint never looked at it like that before,We’re providing a service to the poorer classes aint we?
DEL.Listen at ya,a minute ago you were dixon of dock green,now your Robin hood.
RODNEY.Well,ive realised your right aint I.
ALBERT.Nothing to do with all the money your making then Rodney?
INT.NIGHT. THE NAGS HEAD.
The pub is busy,we see a neon flyer on the wall,it reads ‘nags head friday night Disco’
We then see Boycie sittiing with Trigger and Denzil at a table.
Del and Rodney enter and go to the bar.
DEL.Evening Mike,I’ll have a mediteranian twister and a lager for Rodney,aint half packed in here tonight aint it.
MIKE.Well,ive got a disco on.
DEL.Oh handsome i could do with a good night out.
Del has a good look around,he spots the boys.
DEL.You better add whatever Boycie and the others are drinking to that Mike,a disco ay Rodders,you know what this means dont ya?
RODNEY.You doing your John Travolta with a wooden leg impression?
DEL .No you dipstick,Im talking about all the birds that get down here on disco night,how do you fancy pulling a couple then heading off to a club?
RODNEY.Yeah,I’ll have some of that Del(scans the pub)which one do’ya fancy?
DEL.Easy Rodders,easy,its only half past eight,leave it till we’ve had a few.
RODNEY.Yeah,that way we wont have to buy ’em as many drinks.
DEL.I was thinking more along the lines of, a few drinks inside us will make this lot look more attractive.
MIKE.There you go Del,five pound fifty please mate.
DEL.There you go Micheal,there’s a tenner,have one yourself and put the change in the charity box.
They walk away from the bar and head over to Boycies table.
RODNEY.Dont go being too flash,this money wont last forever.
DEL. I know that dont I,but while I was paying,standing across the bar we’re a couple of sorts,if that did’nt impress ’em nothing will.
Rodney reacts.
DEL.(to the boys)Evening chaps,er look,get these down ya necks.
ALL.Cheers Del,ect…
BOYCIE.I was just saying to Denzil,the class of bird on these disco nights is getting worse and worse.
DEL.Oh i dont know Boycie,theres bound to be a couple of decent ones amongst the pound.
TRIGGER.Yeah,like that one sitting there.
We see who trig is looking at,she is a stunner,blonde hair,long legs,the works.
ALL.Phwooar,ect.
DEL.Yeah,now that is a bit of me.
BOYCIE.Do me a favour Delboy she’s a classy bird,she wont look twice at you.
DENZIL.Well your married Boycie,so you can forget about it.
BOYCIE.So are you.
DENZIL.Yeah but I aint seen corinne for 6 years so i dont think she’ll mind.
RODNEY.Leave it out you lot,a bird like that wants someone young…………like me.
ALL.(LAUGHTER inc Boycies trademark)
DEL.Do me a favour Rodney,next you’ll be saying she wants Trigger for his interlect.
They laugh and look where Trig was sitting,he has gone,they look back to the table with the bird,trig is sitting with her,they are talking.)
DEL.Bloody hell
BOYCIE.She must be a looney tune or something to talk to him.
DEL.ere,how do you lot fancy going onto a club later tonight?
DENZIL.Yeah,Ill have some of that
BOYCIE.Put my name on the list,a night away from the moaning and the nagging……Heaven!
DEL.Yeah,it’ll do Marlean the world of good.
BOYCIE.Yeah tha………BOYCIE REACTS.
RODNEY.We better invite Casanova over there
DEL.Oi,Trigger,fancy going onto a club with us later,or have you got other plans?(Del winks)
TRIGGER.The lads are going on to a club afterwards,would you like to go?
LADY.Yeah,that would be lovely.
TRIGGER.Would you mind if I came along too?
We cut back to Dels table,they look at each other in amazement.
INT.NIGHT THE DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE CLUB.
Club is pretty packed and pop songs play in the background,we see Del,Denzil and Boycie standing up the bar,we then see Trig dancing with the blonde sort,Rodney is out of shot.
DEL.(to bar lady)Hello sweetheart,I’ll have malibu and coke,double scotch, 3 pints and what ever you want darlin’
BOYCIE.Laying it on a bit thick tonight aint ya Del,whats happened,rob a bank?(laughs)
DEL.No,Im selling it before ive bought it these days Boycie,bussiness is good with a capital G.
BOYCIE.Yeah I noticed the Trotter fortunes had took a turn for the better.
DEL.How’d ya mean?
BOYCIE.Well Rodneys changed his shirt for a start.
They all laugh.
They leave the bar and head to a seat, they pass Trig on the dance floor.
DENZIL.Look at Trig go,where did he learn to dance like that?
BOYCIE.Knowing him, a Blue Peter special on the heimlick manoever.
DEL.Do you reckon he’s told her he’s a road sweeper yet?
We cut to the dance floor,Trig and the woman are dancing close.
WOMAN.So,how long have you been a postman?
Del,Boycie and Denzil laugh as they pass.
They take their seats at a large table.
BOYCIE.Seriously though Del,that money aint gonna last forever ,you wanna do something smart with it while you’ve still got it.
DENZIL.He’s right ya know,you and Rodney wanna be carefull with what your spending it on,all its takes is one bad deal and your right back where you started.
Del has a ponderous look on his face.
We cut to Rodney,he is looking over at 2 birds sat at a table,he walks over,he is obviously drunk.
RODNEY.Hi’ya girls,good ere aint it.
GIRL1.(uninterested)Mm great.
Rodney pulls up a chair and sits with them.
RODNEY.My names Rodney,so,do you come here often?
GIRL2.(uninterested)No,do you?
RODNEY.Well,im here most nights,Im the owner you see.
GIRL1(now interested).Really,It must be great running your own club.
GIRL2.Yeah,i bet your loaded.
Rodney gets out a bunch of notes,about £50,and fans it.
RODNEY.Well,you know…
GIRL1.(Giggling)whats your second name Rodney?
RODNEY.No,thats my first name,my second names tro…(thinks,looks at the sign with the name of the club)…Riverside,Rodney Riverside.
GIRL2.So you named your club after yourself?
RODNEY.Yep,Listen,what are you two doing afterwards,do you wanna come back to my London pad?
Before the girls can answer,Del arrives.
DEL.Rodney,ive made a decision…………we aint gonna sell crap on the market anymore,
GIRL1.Who’s this?
RODNEY.This is my brother,Derek
GIRL2.(SEEMS IMPRESSED)Hello Derek,my names Alice,do you work for Rodney then?
DEL.Well,were partners aint we bruv.
GIRL1.So you co-own the club?
DEL.co-ow….
RODNEY.(INTERUPTS)Yeah,we do dont we Del,we co-own this club.
DEL.Yeah,thats right,straight down the middle.
GIRL2.Who’s idea was it to name it after your family name?
RODNEY.It was mine,wasn’t it Del.
DEL.Er,yeah,we just aint had time to change the signs round yet,but the next time you come in here,this place will be called Trotters Bar.
GIRL1.Why will it be called Trotters Bar,thats not what Rodney said his name was?
DEL.And what did Rodney say his name was?
GIRL2.Rodney Riverside.
Del breaks out in a fit of laughter.
At this point a very red faced Rodney gets up and leaves.
DEL.Sorry about him girls,he’s a bit of a wally.
We cut to Rodney up the bar,he has just ordered a pint,Del joins him.
DEL.Mr Riverside I presume.
RODNEY.What do you want?
DEL.Dont get narked with me Rodders,how was i to know you where sitting there pretending to be Peter bleeding Stringfellow?
RODNEY.Its always the same with you Del when i pull a sort,you always ruin it.
DEL.What are you talking about,always ruin it,I saved ya didnt I,I saved you the embaressment of waisting your money on them two tarts all night,only for them to go to the toilet, never to be seen again.
RODNEY.What do you know?
DEL.I’ll tell ya what I know shall I Rodney,I know that the blonde ones dad is called Paul Thompson.
RODNEY.And who is Paul Thomas when he’s at home?
DEL.I dont know who he is when he’s at home,but when he’s here…………. he’s the manager.
Rodney looks even more embaressed,Del laughs and leaves.
We cut to a table that Denzil and Boycie sit at,Trigger has joined them.
TRIGGER.So you see,I dont know what to do next.
BOYCIE.Just tell her you like her and ask her out for tommorow night.
DENZIL.Yeah,make it obviouse you like her but dont come on too strong.
Del joins the table.
DEL.Whats going on ere chaps,looks like a war meeting.
DENZIL.Its Trigger,he really likes this bird he’s with but he dont know what to say to her at the end of the night.
DEL.Oh,well,its simple innit,you take her outside,lay one on her lips and kop a right handfull,if it all goes well its back to her place for a bit of the other.
TRIGGER.Yeah,cheers Del,I’ll give that a try.
Trig leaves,Del trys to call after him but he doesnt hear.
DEL.No Trig,I was only jo….Trig,bloody hell.
BOYCIE.I hope you’ve got some money left over from tonight Del.
DEL.Whys that?
BOYCIE.So you can pay Triggers bail in the morning.(trademark laugh)
DEL.Ere,talking about money,ive been thinking about what you two said earlier,you know about being carefull with my money,well,ive decided to take your advice.
DENZIL.Yeah,what you gonna do?
DEL.Ask no questions Denzil and I’l tell no lies,now Boycie do you know a bloke called Alex Sim?
BOYCIE.Yeah he used to have the travel agent in the high street,I bought his Merc off him a couple of weeks back,as he gone out of bussiness?
DEL.Yeah, how do you know?
BOYCIE.Well when I bought his Merc off him,he also tried to sell me a holiday home in spain,a dishwasher and a second hand wristwatch.
DEL.Have you got his phone number?
BOYCIE.Well it will be on file at the garage,why?
DEL.No reason Boycie,can you get it and bring it to the Nags Head tommorow lunch time?
BOYCIE.I suppose so.
DEL.Handsome.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Albert has laid out the breakfast stuff,only he is eating anything though(a fry up)
Del enters looking the worse for wear,still in night clothes.
DEL.Morning Unc.(Del gets the letters off the table and starts to open them)
ALBERT.Morning son,ive done you and Rodney some breakfast,ive left it under the grill so you can have it when you want it.
DEL.Not for me thanks Unc,you eat it if you want.
ALBERT.I didnt expect you to want anything this morning,not after the state you were in last night.
DEL.Ay,I wasnt in no state.
ALBERT.Why did you have the radio blaring out at gone 2 then?
DEL.It was’nt me,it must of been Rodney.
ALBERT.It was’nt Rodney.
DEL.How do you know.
ALBERT.Cuz he was being sick in the bathroom.
DEL.Was he really,gorden bennet,then again he was hugged and kissed last night,oh,did Monkey bring those other stereos round?
ALBERT.Yeah,they’r behind your bar.
Del goes behind the bar and picks up a large box.
We can see it says on one side ‘Dura-Max personal stereos’
Del brings it into the living room and puts it on the sofa,we see another side of the box,it has ‘rejects’ stamped on it.
DEL.Lovely Jubbly,we’ll triple our money on these,Which reminds me,Im going out to do a bit of business today,real business so I want you and Rodney both here when I got back so I can tell you all about it.
ALBERT.What you got lined up Del.
DEL.All im going to say is our days of flogging stuff on the fly in the market are over.
ALBERT.Where we gonna sell it then?
DEL.Watch this space Unc,watch this space.
ALBERT.You mean we’re gonna sell it from the flat.
DEL.What?,no you old div,Im speaking thetamorically,right,its eleven o clock,I better get changed, im meeting Boycie in a couple of hours.
ALBERT.Boycie aint involved is he Del?
DEL.No,No,he’s just got the number of a geezer I need to have a little word with.
Del leaves the room into the hall way.
ALBERT.And this geezers got something to do with the deal has he?
DEL.(shouting through)I hope so.
ALBERT.You mean its not a done deal then?
Del re-enters.
DEL.What are you, the bleeding question master or something? look,leave the big business deals with me and you just make sure you and Rodney are here this afternoon,ok.
ALBERT.Yeah,no problem son.
INT.DAY. THE NAGS HEAD.
Mike is behind the bar talking to Boycie,a few others are at tables and a man plays the fruit machine with a pint in his hand.
We join the conversation mid-sentence.
BOYCIE……And it only turned out to be the managers daughter.(trademark laugh)
MIKE(Laughing)Rodney Riverside,ive heard it all now.
Del enters and hears what Mike said.
DEL.Boycie telling you about my brass of a younger brother is he?
MIKE.Yeah,what about that,Rodney must have been well embaressed.
DEL.Well he’s learnt his lesson aint he,I dont know,what is it with the younger generation,having to tell porkies to get a skirt?
BOYCIE.Listen at him would ya,how long ago since that bird from the carpet shop gave you the elbow because she found out you were’nt an astronaught.
Mike and Boycie laugh.
DEL.Yeah alright,alright,we all tell lies when it comes to impressing the fairer sex dont we?
BOYCIE(as he goes over to a table).I never had to tell my Marlene any lies.
DEL.(quietly to Mike)No,but she had to tell him a few.(mike laughs)
Del goes and joins Boycie at the table.
DEL.Did you get the required phone number?
BOYCIE(taking a piece of paper from his pocket)Of course.
Del goes to take it but Boycie snatches it away.
BOYCIE.Not until you tell me whats going on.
DEL.Dont worry Boycie its got nothing to do with second hand motors.
BOYCIE.Im not worried,just interested in a friends business dealings,come on, what harms it gonna do telling me?
DEL.Ok Boycie, if you must know………
We cut to the Flat,Albert is hoovering,Rodney enters in his dressing gown ect.
RODNEY.Del gone out?
Albert switches off the hoover.
ALBERT.You say something son?
RODNEY.I said,Is Del out?
ALBERT.Yeah,he went out about an hour ago,oh,and he said that me and you are to be ere when he gets back,he’s gonna tell us about some sort of business deal he’s doing today or something.
RODNEY.Thats funny,he said something about not working in the market anymore last night.
ALBERT.Yeah,he said something like that this morning,how did last night go then?
RODNEY.You mean Del didnt tell ya?
ALBERT.No he didnt say a word,why,what happened?
RODNEY.Oh,nothing,pulled a couple of sorts didnt I?
ALBERT.You never.
RODNEY.i did,they were a right couple of stunners an’ all.
ALBERT.Did you go back to their place after then,like?
RODNEY.Er,no,I was out with the boys was’nt I,It wouldnt have been fair to leave ’em,
ALBERT.No,I s’pose not,anyway,dont forget Del said you gotta stay in.
RODNEY.I know,you already said once.
ALBERT.Well I didnt know if you had go out and run your club Mr Riverside.
Rodney reacts/Albert does his laugh.
We cut back to the Nags Head as it was.
BOYCIE.Well I admire your balls Delboy,not many people would take that chance.
DEL.They would if they lived by the philosophy ‘he who dares,wins’speaking of daring,have you seen Trig today?
BOYCIE.Yeah I bumped into him this morning.
DEL.Well……How did he got on with that bird last night?
BOYCIE.Very well as it goes,he’s taking her out this afternoon.
DEL.Oh yeah,where they going?
BOYCIE.He’s taking her to that new restaurant over in camden,then their off to the pictures.
DEL.Oh well,good luck to him,anyway Boycie,ive gotta run,business to do,people to see,you know how it is.
BOYCIE.Yes,see you later Derek,and good luck.
Del says goodbye to Mike and leaves.
EXT.DAY. THE NAGS HEAD CAR PARK.
Del is on his mobile phone,he holds the piece paper that Boycie gave him and dials a number,he is obviously ringing Alex.
Hello,is that Alex?………Its Delboy…….. …………..yeah,I heard all about it Alex me old son,terrible news……anyway,Im doing alright so its not all doom and gloom…………yeah,thats what I wanted to talk to you about………no,no,listen,I dont wanna sell ya nothing and I dont wanna borrow nothing……what do you mean makes a change?…….can you meet me today,ive gotta bit of business for ya…….no it does’nt involve you giving me any money,in fact if all goes well i’ll be giving you the money………nice one Alex,shall we say two thirty at,er……that new restuarant over in Camden,do you know it……..yeah thats the one,ok,see ya then pal.
Lovely Jubbly.
EXT.DAY. BARNABEES FOOD PALACE
Looks like a not too classy but nice joint with a green and white sign and a marquee that comes out onto the pavement.
We hear banging and the Trotters van comes into shot,it parks on the side of the road and Del gets out,close up now,we see Del puts his money in the parking meter for a change.
INT.DAY. BARNABEES FOOD PALACE
we see that it isnt a very big place with a long row of booths either side of a long walk way.
Del looks around and spots Alex sitting at the very back,as he walks down the row we see Trig and his date,Del spots them.
DEL.Alright Trigger.
TRIGGER.Oh watcha Del
DEL.What are you doing here?
TRIGGER.m just out having a bit of dinner with Jenny,thats her there(he indicates to his date)
DEL.Yeah,I presumed it was Trig,hello darlin’ nice to meet ya.
TRIGS DATE.Nice to meet you too but I must tell you,my names Julie,not Jenny.
TRIG.Thats right,Julie,I keep getting your name wrong dont I.
DEL.Yeah,thats something your gonna have to get used to with Trig,he’s got a terrible memory,he even went to the doctors about it once.
JULIE.Really,and what did the doctor say?
DEL.He told him to forget about it.
Del and Julie both laugh
TRIG.Is that true then Del?
DEL.Ay?nevermind Trig,I better dash,gotta see a man about a dog,have a nice time sweetheart,see ya Trig.
Del leaves.
TRIG.Thats my mate Delboy,we’ve been friends since school,didn’t know he was into pets and all that though.
JULIE.Seems like a nice bloke,does he live around here.
TRIG.No he lives over in Peckham near me,shares a flat with his younger brother Dave and Their uncle Albert,theres an interesting bloke,you name a battle,he’s been in it,he’s got loads of stories,i’ll have to introduce you one day Jenny.
JULIE.Which war was he in?
TRIG.All of ’em I think.
JULIE.My great grandfather was killed at waterloo.
TRIG.Yeah,Get hit by a train did he?
Julie reacts.
We cut to the table Alex is sitting at,Del has just joined him.
DEL.Watcha Alex.
ALEX.Hiya Del,whats all this about then?
DEL.Give me a minute will ya Alex and i’ll tell ya,now,what do you want to eat?
ALEX.Im alright thanks Del,I my dinner before I left.
DEL.Come on look,I dont wanna sit ere like a burk and eat on my own,come on,im paying.
ALEX.Oh cheers Del,in that case i’ll have the steak platter.(Del reacts)
DEL.Yeah,I think I’ll have that as well.
ALEX.So Del,come on,enough beating about the bush,lets get to why were really here.
DEL.Ok Alex,Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately,Trotters Independant Traders is making some serious bunce these days,but im not stupid, I know a trader is only as good as his stock and this luck or money aint gonna last forever,why?i’ll tell ya why,cuz we aint got no foundation to the business,at the end of the day im just a geezer in the market with a briefcase,one day im gonna have something your casual passer by wants, the next day Im gonna have some crap they wont look twice at,do you know what I mean?
ALEX.No.
DEL.Good,now listen carefully cuz this is where you come into it,and this is where you make some money.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Rodney is lying on the couch reading the paper,Albert is watching TV.
ALBERT.I wish Del would hurry up,I wanna get them clothes down the launderette.
RODNEY.I dont see why we both have to be ere’,I mean,no offense,but im his partner,not you.
ALBERT.Maybe he’s expanding the business and he wants me to join the partnership.
RODNEY.Yeah,maybe he’s starting deep sea tours and he wants you to take the tourists down to see some of your old mates.
ALBERT.Dont be sarcastic Rodney,theres nothing funny about the brave sailors who lose their lives at sea.
RODNEY.No sorry Unc.
ALBERT.Its Ok son,but when you’ve seen the things I have, comments like that bring back a lot of bad memorys.
RODNEY.Yeah,I was’nt thinking.
ALBERT.(sadly)Men burnt alive,sharks taking limbs,drownings,ive seen it all.
RODNEY.I know what your getting at Albert so why dont you just get it over with?
ALBERT.During the war.
RODNEY.I bloody knew it,me and my big mouth.
ALBERT.We we’re in the persian gulf and just been hit by a torpedo.
RODNEY.What a bark,ay?
ALBERT.We we’re sinking fast and you could see the fins of the sharks from the deck of the ship.
RODNEY.(interested)Yeah,what happened?
ALBERT.I said to the captain ‘ive got a plan that could save our lives’ and he looked into my eyes and he said ‘Trotter,do what you have to do,our lives are in your hands’
RODNEY(even more interested)What was your plan?
ALBERT.I had remembered that only recently we had stocked right up in our kitchen,so there was loads of meat in their,big blocks of meat an’ all,so I ran to kitchen and joint by joint I ran it single handedly through the ship and threw it to the sharks,they wont attack if their not hungry see,and by the time they were hungry again our sister vessel which was near by,would have picked the survivors up.
RODNEY.So you saved the lives of all those men?
ALBERT.Well,not quite Rodney,you see,by the time I had thrown all the meat in,the ship had more or less sank and the men were already in the water,lucky I was the last off really,because by the time I abandoned ship the sharks were’nt hungry any more.
Rodney reacts,he cannot believe what he is hearing.
INT.DAY. BARNABEES FOOD PALACE.
Del and Alex still sit at the table.
ALEX.I dont know Del,its a tempting offer but……
DEL.Look,I’ll even throw you a ton now as a sweetener.
Del gets out a bundle of notes and pushes what must be £100 over to Alex.
DEL.Come on you know it makes sense,its better to be making a bit of money than being stone skint aint it?
ALEX.OK then Del, your on.
DEL.Nice one Alex,lovely jubbly.
THEY SHAKE HANDS.
ALEX.Ere,have a cigar to celebrate.
Alex opens his packet.
ALEX.Oh,ive only got one left.
DEL(taking it)Thats ok,I only want one.
ALEX REACTS.
INT.DAY.THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Rodney is now sitting on the sofa,Albert has left the room
DEL.Ah good,Rodney,your here,wheres Moby Dicks foster son?
RODNEY.He’s in the kitchen,whats this all about then Del?
DEL.Hang on Rodders,oi,Albert,get in ere will ya.
Albert enters carring the washing up.
DEL.Well leave the pots and bleeding pans in there then you old div.
Albert leaves and re enters minus the washing up.
DEL.Right,are you ready?
ALB/ROD.Yeah,come on…ect.
DEL. The deal is done,this time next year Rodders,we’ll be millionairs.
RODNEY.Why?
DEL.Cuz……are you ready?……….We’re opening a shop.
RODNEY.We can’t afford to buy a shop Del.
DEL.We’re not gonna buy one.
RODNEY.What we gonna do then,build one?
DEL.No sarky we aint gonna build one,……we’re gonna borrow one,and how hard can running it be?
RODNEY.You know someone with a spare shop do you Del?
DEL.As a matter of fact I do,do you remember a bloke called Alex Sim.
RODNEY.Yeah,he’s got the travel agents in the high street.
DEL.Not anymore he aint,he went outta business a couple of months back.
RODNEY.Im not surprised,he never recovered from doing business with you.
DEL.Come off it Rodney,that was years ago,anyway,its him who has a shop doing absolutely nothing,he cant afford to put anything in it,and he’s having no luck selling it,he’s had an ad in Property Weekly for the last couple of months and not one person has even had a sniff round the place,so i said to him,i said ‘Alex my son,its better to let me take it off your hands till you do find a buyer at least that way you will be earning a little,cuz my motto is,a little is better than none.
RODNEY.And he bought all that old pony did he?
DEL.He ate it outta my hand Rodders.
RODNEY.And what about when he does sell it,we’re gonna be right back where we started?
DEL.No we aint Rodney,cuz its gonna be at least six months to a year before he sells that place with the state of the economy these days,by that time we would have made enough money to set ourselves up properly with a shop.
ALBERT.How do you know your gonna be able to afford to buy a shop in six months to a year?
DEL.Because I know this geezer who owes me a favour,I helped him out when he was skint and he’s got a shop for sale that he’ll let me have dirt cheap as soon as I can afford it.
ALBERT.Yeah,who?
DEL.Alex.
RODNEY.Your not gonna rip him off are ya Del?
DEL.What sorta bloke do you think I am,I may have tucked up a few customers over the years but I do not swindle mates,ok mouthy?
RODNEY.Yeah,sorry Del,I should have known better.
ALBERT.I still dont see how you can be sure,really sure,that no ones gonna make him an offer in the near future.
DEL.Look dont worry,they wont,everyones skint.
RODNEY.All it takes is one geezer with a bit of cash on the hip to fancy opening a shop,or even expanding a current chain to look in that property weekly and bang,he sees a nice little shop in a prime spot for sale.
DEL.Just trust me will ya,no one will buy that shop,infact no one will even read that advert in property weekly.
RODNEY.But how can you be so sure.
DEL.Cuz about half hour ago I cancelled it.
Rodney and Albert react.
RODNEY.(shocked)I cannot believe im hearing this,you have done some sneaky things in your time but this tops it all.
DEL.Whats the matter with you now ya moaning git?
RODNEY.Alex is good enought to let you borrow his property in the hope that he sells it soon and all the while he has’nt got a bloody chance of selling it cuz its not advertised anywhere.
DEL.What am I supposed to do ay,im a business man and so is Alex,he knows the score and dont think for one minute that he would’nt do the same to me,this is our one chance to give ourselves the lives we deserve,its a cut throat world,and the closer to the top you get the worse it is,this is no game for people with a consceince Rodney.
RODNEY.Maybe your right,it just seems so underhanded though Del.
DEL.Thats because it is underhanded,do you think that bloke that owns Harrods got to the top without the odd dodgy deal along the way,or what about that Bill Gates,do you think he climbed the ladder of success without knocking somone off on the way up,course he did’nt, and thats what happens everyday in this world,Alex has had his chance at sucess and he blew it,he went bust,now its our turn and god knows we’ve earned it,this is our chance Rodney,its our chance to give our selves a future,I know its only one poxy little shop selling second hand or dodgy gear at the minute but aint that how most shops start off,maybe we’ll fail and this time next year we’ll be back in the market avoiding the old bill,but maybe,just maybe this place will take off and this time next year Rodders……… who knows?,its only a chance Rodney but just like mum said to me on her death bed,you may only get one chance to make it Delboy,make sure you take that chance when it comes.
RODNEY.Yeah,its our turn now ay Del?
DEL.Thats the spirit Rodders, with my business brain and your…….(pause)…ability to operate a till,we’ll be at the top in no time,I can see it now…….
He puts his arms around Rodney and Alberts shoulders
In ten years time we’ll have shops all over Britain,in twenty years all over the world,yeah,the name Derek Trotter will be sononymous with quality and discount just like Bill Gates’ name is sononymous with computers,pele’s is with fooltball and J Edger hoover is with vacuum cleaners.
Rodney and Albert react.
ALBERT.Theres one thing you aint thought of Del.
DEL.Whats that?
ALBERT.Stock.
DEL.What about it?
ALBERT.Well you aint got none have ya?
DEL.Albert,do you really think that somone with an astute business mind would buy a shop and have nothing to put in it?
ALBERT.We’re not talking about somone with an astute business mind,we’re talking about you.
DEL.Oi ya cheeky sod,less of the lip unless you want a smack on the chin.
RODNEY.He’s right though aint he,you aint got nothing to put in this shop have ya?
DEL.Well not right this minute, no,but all it takes is a few phone calls over the weekend,and by opening time monday morning that shop will be full to bursting of the highest quality obja darte I can get my sea and sands on,and not only that,we’ve got all that cra….stock in the garage,that can go in there.
RODNEY.Who’s gonna buy that crap?
DEL.Oi,one mans junk is another mans treasure,remember that.
ALBERT.So your opening monday morning are ya Del?
DEL.Thats right,ive got the sign makers coming at eight thirty,so we should be up and running nine o’clock sharp.
RODNEY.Well its now Saturday,dont you think you should start phoning round some of your contacts?
DEL.Good idea Rodders,Albert pass my little black book and the blower.
Albert goes to the drawer and gets Del his little black book,he then passes him the phone,Del sits in the chair and looks through the book.
He dials a number.
DEL.Hello….Paddy,its Delboy…..im smashing pal,and you?…….good,listen,what you got,………no i dont mean what bloody medical condition,i mean what ya selling……….are ya,how much?…….two hundred quid,sold……….drop em off before monday?……lovely jubbly.
(at this point we cut to Del in the middle of various conversations with his contacts)
sub scene 1.
DEL.44 rolls of quality wallpaper!,thats a funny number aint it 44?……oh,did ya…….look nice did it,yeah go on then i’ll have em.
sub scene 2.
DEL.How out of date?…….well thats not too bad is it?……..go on then, a tenner.
sub scene 3.
DEL.What am i supposed to do with bleedin chickens?…….no thats all right……..you bloody breed em.
sub scene 4.
Del.Where did you get it from though………is that the truth?……..alright fiteen quid,………if your gonna argue,a tenner…….alright fifteen it is then.
we cut back to the flat in normal time.
DEL.Well there you go,thats all my contacts phoned,I think we’ve done all right.
RODNEY.What we got then?
DEL.We’ve got 44 rolls of wallpaper off Shortsighted Tony,a brand new colour telly off Barry the liar,but he assures me its not nicked so dont panick,we’ve got a consignment of garden furniture off Paddy the Greek,10 cases of Coke,only slightly out of date off Sid, I cant remeber any more off the top of my head,oh,we could have had 5 chickens off Mickey Pearce but I turned him down,what does he think im gonna do with bloody chickens?
EXT.NIGHT.THE NAGS HEAD.
Boycie is up the bar talking to Mike,we see Mickey pearce playing darts with a couple of mates.
Del enters with Rodney.
DEL.Evening Michael,boycie.
BOYCIE.Good evening Derek,all ready for the big opening in the morning?
DEL.Yep,all set to go aint we Rodney?
RODNEY.Yeah,
MIKE.What exactly are ya selling then Del?
DEL.Anything I can get me hands on Mike,listen,what you all drinking?
Mickey comes over.
MICKEY.Ere Del,about them chickens.
DEL.Im not interested Mickey.
MICKEY.They’re a good investment.
DEL.Oh yeah ,how?
MICKEY.Well they lay eggs and that.
DEL.So do bleedin crocodiles but I aint looking to have 5 of them sods running about the flat.
MICKEY.Ok Derek,your loss.
RODNEY.What you up to tonight then Mickey?
MICKEY.Im taking a bird to the pictures,then we’re going back to my place,I think me lucks in tonight.
DEL.Oi,i’ll report you to the RSPCA,I mean,its illegal aint it.
MICKEY.No,i dont mean……..very funny.
Mickey leaves,they all laugh.
DEL.Ere talking of birds,hows Trigger getting on with that sort?
BOYCIE.I could’nt tell ya Delboy,I aint seen him.
MIKE.Why dont you ask him yourself.
Trigger enters and goes up the bar,he looks unhappy.
DEL.Ah,we we’re just talking about you Trig,we we’re just saying,wonder how Trigs getting on with that bird of his?
TRIG.We’re ya? Pint please Mike.
DEL.Well?
TRIG.What?
DEL.How you getting on with her?
TRIG,we’ve split up.
DEL.Really,why,i thought you two we’re getting on really well.
TRIG.So did I,but do you know what its like trying to have a conversation with somone who’s sandwich dont go to the top floor.
DEL.Well,ive got a fair idea……is that why she finished with ay,cuz she thought you we’re slow,like?
TRIG.No,I finished with her.
DEL.You finished with her,but why?
TRIG.She was a bit dim,cramping my style Del,know what I mean.
DEL.There’s not a lot of good news about is there Trig?
TRIG.Your not wrong there Del,ere,look what came in the post for me this morning.
Trig takes a letter out of his jacket pocket and passes it to Del,Del reads it.
DEL.Dear Mr Ball it has come to our attention,blah blah blah,this is a written warning for bieng late to work Trig.
Trig.Could’nt believe it Del,twenty five years ive been working there and Ive never been late once,except the other morning and they go and give me a written warning.
DEL.You wanna get yourself an alarm clock Trig,Ive got one you can have,for a fiver.
TRIG.No,ive got an alarm clock,but it went off while I was asleep.
MIKE.Well thats the whole point of an alarm clock aint it Trig,so it wakes you up.
TRIG.Not for me Mike,im a heavy sleeper ya see,so I usually wake up five or ten minutes before it goes off so I can hear it,sleapt right through the other day though.
They all react.
DEL.Bloody ‘ell,anyway never mind cuz its the grand opening of our shop on monday,you’ll pop in on your rounds wont ya Trig,what about you Boycie?
BOYCIE.I’ll see what kind of mood Marlenes in.
DEL.Yeah,nice one.
BOYCIE.Yeah,and if she’s in a bad one i’ll bring her down for a laugh(trademark laugh)
DEL.You wont say that when Im a millionaire Boycie.
BOYCIE.Delboy the day you become a millionaire will be the day intelligent life forms are found in Triggers house.(trademark laugh)
EXT.DAY. PECKHAM HIGH STREET.
We see a van parked in the street with a ladder on the roof rack,it has a sign makers logo on the side,We cut to Del,he is standing with a Rodney,they are both looking up at,obviously at the new sign that has been put up,Del hits the top of the van as to say goodbye,the van drives off.
DEL.Look at that ay Rodders,its handsome aint it?
RODNEY.Its a bit bright.
DEL.Course its a bit bright,you want people to notice it dont ya?
RODNEY.Well people are certainly gonna notice it,if nothing else it will improve bussiness at the opticians down the road.
DEL.Well thats good aint it,look,come on,lets go tidy this shop of ours up a bit.
Del and Rodney walk out of shot,POV changes to behind Del and Rod as they leave abd we see the sign for the first time.
Its bright yellow like the van,and also says ‘Trotters independant traders’in smaller writing underneath it reads ‘est 1925,over 50 stores throughout the world’
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS SHOP.
The inside of the shop isn’t very big,its full to the brim of Dels gear,the camera pans around the shop and we see clothes,plates and cups ect,ladys and mens fashion,the wallpaper ect,in the window sits a good looking tv set,it has a price on it (£25)next to the tv is a box full of cans of Coke,the labels have faded and they are dusty,in one corner Del has made a display for the personal stereo’s,a sign stands next to them,it reads…..’Dura-max personal stereo’s,as reckermended (intentional spelling error) by the British music industry,A fiver each’.
Del and Rodney stand in the opposite corner at the till,Rodney takes off his coat and puts it on the counter.
DEL.Give it ten minutes Rodders and this shop will be full of eager punters.
RODNEY.I hope your right Del,we’ve put most of our capitol into this venture.
DEL.dont worry,everythings gonna be cushty,you know what sort of business man I am.
RODNEY.Thats why im worried.
DEL.Oi ya cheeky sod,I’ll knock you about the bleedin head in a minute,you’ve got no faith.
A very old lookingglady enters the shop,she has thick glasses on and is hunched over.
DEL.See mouthy,here they all come,I bet she’s gonna spend a fortune,(to lady)what can I get for ya love,cheap cans of drink,nice summer frock,maybe you fancy a personal stereo,play all ya old max bygraves record on?
LADY.(loud and abrupt)I wanna book a holiday.
Rodney laughs
DEL.(to Rodney)Shut up,(to lady)No sorry love,this aint a travel agents anymore,its a jun….a second hand shop.
The lady picks up Rodneys coat.
LADY.How much is this?
RODNEY.Your mistaken love,thats…
DEL.(Interupting)……..A fiver!
The lady gives Del the money and leaves.
LADY.Fit my stan a treat.
RODNEY.I do not believe you just did that,you’ve doen some desperate things in your time Del,but selling the clothes off ya own brothers back takes the piss.
DEL.Oi wash ya mouth out,dont ya see what im doing?
RODNEY.Yeah I do,you’ve just sold me only coat.
DEL.You’ve got no business savvy have ya?That old lady that just bought your coat,she’ll go to the old peoples club this afternoon and more than likely,the bingo tonight,and while she’s there,what do you think she’s gonna be telling all the other old people that get down them places?
She’s gonna tell em what a great bargain she got at the new shop thats just opened in the high street,now before you know it Rodders,all them friends of her’s are gonna be in here,and all their friends after that.So that old coat of yours could send us on the way to our first million.
RODNEY.That dont hide the fact that im now coatless.
DEL.You can buy yourself a nice new one as soon as we make some profit.
RODNEY.Yeah,and you can pay for it.
DEL.Whatever makes you happy Rodders,right,i’ll leave the rest of the tidying up in your capable hands ’cause ive gotta go meet a client.
RODNEY.This client Del,you would’nt be meeting him in the nags head by any chance would ya?
DEL.As a matter of fact I am,why?
RODDERS.Now that you’ve got this shop Del,do you actually intend do spend any time in it,or am I expected to run it and you just collect the profit?
DEL.I dont know how you can stand their and say that and call yourself my brother,do you honestly think I would leave you here all day on your own?
RODNEY.Well,no.
DEL.Of course I would’nt,I would’nt leave you to run a race let alone a shop.
Rodney reacts,Del leaves,as he leaves we see a police man approach the shop,he looks in the window and pays perticular attention to the tv set.
We see Del across the road,watching,with a worried look on his face.
Rodney looks at Del.Del looks back,Rodney beckons him over.
Dels returns to the shop and approaches the police man who is still looking in the window.
Del.Morning officer,after a cheap can of Coke are ya?
COPPER.Are you the manager?
DEL.Mai Oui,Mai Oui,now about that Coke,I can do ya….
COPPER.Its not the Coke im interested in sir,its whats next to it.
DEL.Oh what that gas lamp,normaly a fiver,but biengs your a policeman,six pound fifty.
Del laughs at his joke,the copper doesnt.
COPPER.I was thinking more about that TV set sir,mind if I had a closer look?
DEL.(faking confidence)Yeah,yeah,course you can,if you’d like to follow me inside.
They enter the shop.
DEL.The nice policeman would like to give that TV set the once over Rodders.
Del gives Rodney a look,as if to say,say something unincriminating.
RODNEY.Oh,you mean that TV set in the window,the one we bought brand new a few years ago.
DEL.Yeah,thats the one Rodney.
We see the police man looking around the TV set,he pulls out his note book and checks something he obviously has written down, against the tv set.
Del looks worried.
COPPER.Where did you say you got this from sir?
DEL.Er,oh we’ve had it ages,bought a newer model last week,so I said to Rodney,didnt I Rodney,I said to him…..what did I say to you again Rodney?
RODNEY.Er,you said,why dont we sell the old TV.
DEL.Yeah thats right,so we are,is there a problem officer.
COPPER.I dont know sir,you tell me,is there a problem?
DEL.Well I cant see a problem can you Rodders?
RODNEY.No.
COPPER.How long have you had that TV set sir?
DEL.Oh,what,about a year now would’nt you say Rodders?
RODNEY.A year sounds about right Del.
COPPER.Funny,it looks almost brand new.
DEL.Er,yeah,it may look brand new,but it has infact seen better days,its a bit faulty isn’t it Rodders?
RODNEY.Almost knackered.
COPPER.Dont you think twenty five pounds is a lot of money for alsmost knackered tv?
DEL.Thats just what I said to Rodney,in fact I think two quid is a much fairer price.
COPPER(sounds like a differant man and not at all ‘police like’)Two quid you say?,i’ll take it.
The copper gets some money out of his pocket and puts it on the counter,he then takes the tv set from the window and leaves the shop.
We see Rodney staring a hole right through Del,Del turns and faces Rodney and see’s him.
DEL.What?
INT.NIGHT THE TROTTER FLAT.
Albert is in the chair watching TV,Rodney is sitting on the other chair doing the crossword.
Del enters in his night clothes drying his hair on a towel,he sits on the sofa.
DEL.Well,all in all it aint been a bad old week,Its nice this life aint it Rodders,working nine till five all week,then the weekends are your own and you can just relax and do what you want.
RODNEY.Well compared to getting up and bieng down the market for seven o clock,its heaven.
ALBERT.You aint opening the shop on a saturday then?
DEL.Ay,who said we aint opening the shop on a saturday?
ALBERT.You just said about workling all week then the weekends are ya own to relax and that.
DEL.But I didnt say the shop aint opening.
ALBERT.Have ya got someone to work in it,like that young saturday boy in the packi shop?
DEL.Yeah,Thats right.
ALBERT.Who.
DEL.You.
ALBERT.Me?
DEL.Yeah you,your part of this family aint ya?
ALBERT.Yeah but…..
DEL.And this is a family enterprise isn’t it?
ALBERT.Yeah but…..
DEL..There you go then.
ALBERT.Ah,but I claim a pension so i cant work,not even part time.
DEL.Dont worry Albert,they make special allowences in situations such as this.
ALBERT.Such as what?
DEL.Volentery work.
ALBERT.You mean your not even gonna pay me?
DEL.You get a pension,what more do ya want?
Albert gets up an leaves the room,he mumbles about being a war hero ect……
DEL.The ungrateful old git,I mean,I get him a nice part time job to get him out of the flat,and thats the thanks I get.
RODNEY.Well you gotta admit Del,he is getting on a bit for all that work lark.
DEL.Yeah,maybe your right,Im off to bed then,seeing as it looks like ive got another early start in the morning.
RODNEY.I knew you would’nt make him do it.
DEL.What are you talking about Rodders,ive only got an early start to make sure that old git gets up and out,Nighty night.
Rodney reacts as Del leaves the room.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Del is sitting up the table reading the paper,he is still wearing his dressing gown ect.
Rodney enters from the hall,he too is still not dressed for the day.
RODNEY.Albert get off all right this morning?
DEL.Ah,morning bruv,yeah,he was moaning but he went.
RODNEY.Did’nt ya give him a lift?
DEL.A lift?theres a bus stop down the road and it takes him right outside the shop.
RODNEY.I think your being a bit hard on him,he’s an old man Del.
DEL.Im not being hard on him,he’s only doing a couple of hours,I said he cold have the afternoon off.
RODNEY.Well I suppose thats something.
DEL.Yeah,so make sure your there about twelve-ish.
RODNEY.Me!why should I have to go in?
DEL.Well your the one campaigning on his behalf.
RODNEY.Bloody hell Del,ive been working all week,I was looking forward to giving it a rest today.
DEL.Listen at ya,your a lazy git you know that,ok Rodney,you go back to bed and leave that old war hero to slog it out lifting boxes and all that.
RODNEY.War hero?do me a favour,I heard most of his crew mates thought he was Germanys secret weapon,he sunk more ships than the Bizmark.
As Rodney says this Albert enters.
Del and Rodney react as they see him.
DEL.Why are’nt you at the shop?
ALBERT.Its not there anymore.
DEL.What do you mean its not there any more you daft old goat.
RODNEY.He probably went to the wrong place.
ALBERT.I did’nt go to the wrong place Rodney,I went to the shop and all the gear has gone and these men are in their doing stuff to the place.
DEL.We better get down there and see what the bloody hells going on.
EXT.DAY THE TROTTERS SHOP.
We see shop from the outside,it is empty and men are inside,they look like they are doing out the interior ready for a new opening.
We see a skip,in the skip is all kinds of broken wood,also sticking out is Dels sign,in two bits.
(there is no stock in the skip)
The van pulls up,Del and Rod get out and go into the shop.
Del approaches a man who is sanding down the skirting board.
DEL.Ere,what the bloody hell do ya think your doing pal?
MAN1.Im sanding,what does it look like?
DEL.I know what your doing,but this is my shop.
MAN1.Im not the one ya wanna be talking to mate,you want Cliff,he’s out the back,hang on…..(calling out)Cliff…..theres some odd ball out here reckons this is his shop.
Del reacts,A older,fatter man in a suit comes out,he is a bit smarmy.
CLIFF.What seems to be the problem?
DEL.The problem is,you and these geezers aint got no right to be ere,this is my shop,im leasing it off the owner,sort of.
CLIFF.Thats not what ive been told mate,according to this (he gets out a letter) this shop previously belonged to a bloke called Alexander Sim,he’s now sold it to Paradise Choice travel agents and thats who have contracted us to do this place out ready for the opening in a fortnight,so any problems you’ve got need to be took up with this Alexander fella,and stop bothering my workers.
Del is now angry
DEL.But what about all my stock,what ya done with that,if you’ve dumped it i’ll crack you right in the eye.
RODNEY,Del,calm down.
CLIFF.Listen to ya son action man(del and Rod react)We aint touched the stock,we we’re assured by the new owners all that old crap would be cleared out,and before you ask,I dont know where it is,the best advice I can give ya is phone up the travel agencies head office and ask em if they know what happened to it.
Del is now in a state of shock,he walks out of the shop in a trance as the reality hits home.
RODNEY.So what do we do now?
DEL.Well phone Alex I suppose.
Del gets his phone out and dials a number,obviously Alex’s.
DEL.Theres no answer
RODNEY.Oh great,what are we supposed to do now,all our money we ploughed into that place.
DEL.Dont worry,we’ll get it back,Alex probably stored it somewhere and forgot to contact us.
RODNEY.You dont think he may be tucking you up like you we’re him do ya?
DEL.No,Alex aint like that.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Albert is sitting in the chair,Rod is up the table,they both look at Del who is on the Phone.
DEL(into phone)So you dont know where he is then,well if you hear anything Bazza,give us a bell,cheers mate.(replaces receiver)Thats all of them,thats all the people I know who might know where Alex is.
RODNEY.I can’t believe the people from the travel agents won’ tell ya where he lives.
DEL.Its all that privacy and descretion cobblers aint it,all they’ll say is Alex himself cleared the shop out.
The phone rings,Del answers it.
DEL.Hello,yeah,really?,ok thanks mate,i’ll buy you a good drink tonight,cheers,Denz.
RODNEY.What was that about.
DEL.Found him.
RODNEY.Who Alex?
DEL.No sergar,of course Alex,according to Denzil,a bloke with the description I gave him has just opened a second hand shop up plant street,he drives past it every day,said its been closed for ages,used to be a pizza parlour I think.
ALBERT.Where did he get the money to open a shop from?
DEL.Well he’s just sold his shop aint he.
ALBERT.Yeah but he only sold it the other day,so where did he get the stock from so quickly?
DEL.Well I dont know,maybe he bought a load job lot,like w……………..
Del realises that Alex is trading with his stock,Alb and Rod also realise this and they all look at each other.
RODNEY.Lets go sort him ot Del.
ALBERT.Yeah,go teach him a lesson.
DEL.Calm down you two,i’ll go down there and see him,see what he’s playing at,we may be jumping the gun.
EXT.DAY. ALEX’S NEW SHOP.
The shop does’nt have a sign,we see the personal stereos in the window,Dels van pulls up outside,he is alone.
He enters the shop,as he does a bell sounds,Alex is through the back,Del looks around,he see’s all his stock.
INT.DAY. ALEX’S NEW SHOP.
ALEX(OOS)Be with you in a minute.
DEL.Thats alright Alex,ive got all the time in the world.
Alex comes out looking very guilty.
ALEX.Delboy.
DEL.What are you playing at Alex,this aint your style.
ALEX.I was desperate Del,im used to the finer things in life,3 holidays a year,a flash sports car,then I had nothing.
DEL.But stabbing one of ya mates in the back,thats a bit off aint it son?
ALEX.Come on Del,you would have doen the same thing to me.
DEL.No i wouldnt,look,give us me stock back and i’ll forget this ever happened
ALEX(a slightly more menacing tone)No I dont think so Derek.
DEL.But this is mine,all of it.
ALEX.Prove it,show me the receipts and you can have it all back,if not call the police,but lets face it Del,you’d get longer than I would.
DEL.Your serious aint ya.
ALEX.You better believe it mate,I dont wanna be one of these bums who dont know where the next fiver is coming from,you of all people should understand that,now unless theres anything else,ive got a shop to run.
Del is once again in shock,he leaves the shop at a snails pace.
INT.DAY.THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Del is standing buy his bar,he downs a drink,Rodney stands near the kitchen,Albert is in the chair.
We join them mid-arguement.
RODNEY.(shouting)So thats it is it,your gonna let that con man walk all over ya,and leave us with nothing again.
DEL(shouting)I aint got no chioce Rodney,what am I meant to do go to the police? half that stuff is hot,the other half is even worse,we aint got a leg to stand on,and he knows it.
RODNEY.Its not fair Del,everytime we start to get somewhere,bang,it all comes crashing down,and with it all my hopes and dreams.
Del goes over to Rodney and puts his arm around him.
DEL.I know bruv,i know, i thought this was our big break as well but it was’nt to be,we’ll get another chance,and then no ones gonna stp us,we’ll be alright Bruv,ive already done another deal with what little money we have got left.
RODNEY.What deal?
DEL.I’ll tell ay tonight,we’re gonna earn out of it though,its a good little investment.
INT NIGHT.THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Albert is in the living room alone,Del enters from outside,He is carrying a large box.
ALBERT.What you got there son?
DEL.Never you mind,is Rodney here?
ALBERT.No,he’s gone to get a chinese.
DEL.Good,i’ll put this in his room for now.
Del leaves shot,Albert looks puzzled,Del returns to shot and goes over to his bar,he picks up an empty gin bottle and tuts.
Rodney enters,he is still glum.
RODNEY.Wotcha,just got me self some chinky,i’d have got you some but i cant afford it anymore,i’ll eat this in my room.
Rod leaves.
ALBERT.He’s been ina bad mood all night,never mind,he’ll be alright once he’s eaten.
DEL.I wouldnt bank on it.
RODNEY.(OOS)Derek!
Rod enters again.
RODNEY.What the bloody hell are six chickens doing running all about my room?
DEL.They’re my latest deal,im gonna sell the eggs they lay to Mike?
RODNEY.But why have they gotta be in my room?
DEL.Well we can hardly put em in the garden can we,and we cant put em in Alberts room because of the smell………i dont wanna get done for animal cruelty.
RODNEY.What about your room?
DEL.Ay?they can’t go in my room,what about when I bring a sort back?
RODNEY.Well what about me,im going up west tonight,what if i bring a bird back.
DEL.You can’t
RODNEY.Why?
DEL.You’ve already got six.
Rod reacts.
THE END.
Your Scripts
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