Continuing from yesterdays scene 3, we now pick up Scene 4
Simon Nash presents an Only Fools and Horses Script …
Red Red Wine Part 4 – Set just days after 1991 Miami Twice
Scene 4
In the flat with Albert ,Rodney Raquel and Damien
Rodney and albert are in the kitchen preparing the bottles of wine.
Albert: How come I’ve got to do all this mixing nosense? I’m an old age pensioner. I should be retired.
Rodney: Yeah but you spent most of your working life sitting in lifeboats and looking over your shoulder at sinking ships.
Albert: I saw more action than you could imagine Rodney. I could tell you a thing or two about how hard I worked son.
Rodney: Albert, you’ve been telling me about it for the last 8 years.
Albert: Then you should know to show a bit of sympathy for me.
Rodney: Sympathy for you? And what about me eh? I’ve had to put up with your stupid war stories for the best part of a decade. People have been banged up for murder for shorter periods than that!
Albert: Look at this, (holds his hands up) I’m getting food colouring all over my hands!
Rodney: Well wear the gloves then.
Albert: No way, last time I wore a pair of them I came out in a rash!
Rodney: I’m surprised you noticed the difference, and in that case your hands‘ll be red whatever you do then won’t they. At least this way you won’t get any itching with it.
Raquel: (enters the kitchen) What is that horrible smell?
Rodney: well if you’re referring to the sweet and sickly aroma of cheap wine it’ll be this stuff. Anything else and it’ll be Albert…
Raquel: What has he got you two doing now?
Rodney: Do you really want to know Raquel?
Raquel: Yeah on second thoughts I think you’re right Rodney, If I don’t know I can’t worry about it. How are you and Cassandra getting on now your back together Rodney? I haven’t spoken to her since she got back from her interview.
Rodney: Oh yeah we’re fine. She’s still making her way up to the top and leaving me dragging my heels behind. She finds out if she’s got that job today. She’s attending some function full of executives. Yes I bet right now she’s enjoying the luxuries of fine food and intelligent conversation whilst pouring copious amounts of champagne down her neck. While I’m standing in Dels Kitchen, hearing about Alberts skin compaints and pouring red food colouring into 4000 bottles of Romanian reisling.
Raquel: Well, I’m pleased you’re back together again. she was really concerned you know when you and Del disappeared.
Albert: Yah, she was worried you might come back! (Laughs)
Rodney: Shut up Albert!
Raquel: Right I’m off down the Laundrette before they close then, See you later.
Rodney: Yeah, see you later Raquel.
Albert: Did I ever tell you about the time one of our ships went missing?
Rodney: Albert you lost every ship you sailed in. They’re all sitting at the bottom of the sea.
Albert: I don’t mean it sunk, it just floated away.
Rodney: Eh?
Albert: Well, we were transporting cargo on the Spanish coast see, And one day the entire crew had to evacuate the ship because we’d picked up on Radar that a fleet of German warships was heading our way. We were an open target cause being a cargo vessel we didn’t have any defences see.
Rodney: So what happened?
Albert: Well as soon as everyone got off, the ship and all its cargo was taken away with the tide cause it hadn’t been anchored properly. It ended up in Venezuela 2 months later.
Rodney: How do you know it ended up there?
Albert: Well, I was on it! I was the one who was meant to stay behind and whey anchor. But it kept getting stuck see.
Rodney: So what happened to the rest of the crew that you left behind?
Albert: Well, they got captured on land by the Germans. I was alright though cause we’d just picked up a full cargo of food.
Rodney: (sarcastically) Oh well that’s a relief then isn’t! So was you registered as missing in action then?
Albert: Nah, when they checked my records and found out I was related to your Grandad and your Uncle George, they assumed I’d deserted like they did!
Rodney: God helps us…
Try to imagine it Rodney, I was all alone in the middle of the Antlantic. With only myself to talk to and my own resourcefulness for survival.
Rodney: I’m trying not to Unc. I think I’d have preferred to have got captured by the Germans. (door slams in the lounge) here that’s Del, quick look busy!
Del: (walks into kitchen) How’s it going you two?
Rodney: It’s not going all that well Del look, (pours a bit of mixed wine into a glass)
Del: Oh stone me Rodney that’s too weak innit eh?! It’s supposed to look like red wine. This looks more a urine sample from a bloke with a bladder infection!
Albert: Most probably tastes like it as well. (Albert walks out muttering) waste of bloody time if you ask me.
Rodney: Look Del, we’ve put in exactly the amount you told us to! It’s not our fault if it looks like that.
Del: Well why didn’t you use a bit of common sense then? Well we can’t leave it like that can we eh? , we’re just going to have to put more colouring in.
Rodney: Del if we put more food colouring in you’ll have every Christian up and down the country on a Sunday afternoon rushing to the bog with the 2 bob bits. Songs of Praise will record their lowest ever ratings.
Del: Don’t be a plonker Rodney, they only take a sip of it don’t they. And anyway I’ve seen em taking communion on the tele. They give em a bit of bread to soak it up with. The church of England can’t have its flock coming of church on a Sunday drunk can they eh? Actually that’s probably why they drive so slowly on a Sunday… Don’t worry about it, it’ll all be pucker. Oh by the way, The old vicar wants to have a taste of the wine before it goes out.
Rodney: He wants to what?! He won’t even get as far as tasting it Del. As soon as he takes the cork out and gets a whiff of it, that’ll be game over. I mean, lets face it, it makes your aftershave smell nice.
Del: Oi watch it you! I’ve worked it out, I’m going get hold of a bottle of decent wine for him to taste. He’ll be none the wiser.
Rodney: Well that bottle of Italian rosso on the sideboard out there’s mine. I got it this morning for me and Cass, So keep your hands off it.
Del: Why would I want a bottle of Italian Rosso? It needs to be red wine don’t it!
Rodney: Rosso is red you berk.
Del: Is it? Oh yeah I always get rosso mixed up with rouge.
Rodney: But rouge is also r…. don’t matter.
Del: Right, well listen I’ve got to dash off and pick up a consignment of cosmetic products from Paddy the Greek.
Rodney: What sort of cosmetic products?
Del: Well you know the drug store on the high street that went bankrupt last month?
Well, Paddy’s cleared out their stock room and he’s put his name down on 250 boxes full of packets of cleaning wipes. Marlene’s put 30 boxes aside for herself already. She said she’s forever having to wipe that little gits face at mealtimes. And I reckon Tyler must make a fair old mess an’all.
Rodney(Laughs) ‘ere Del, you couldn’t give us a lift home could ya?, only I promised Cass I’d be back for tea time.
Del: Gawd, stone me Rodney what is she, your wife or your mum? And what about all this wine you’ve got to finish?
Rodney: The thing is, she finds out whether she got that job she went for while we were away. She might be a bit upset if she didn’t get it, so I thought I’d best get home in case she needs a bit of comforting you know.
Del: Oh yeah I get it now, You’re hoping she don’t get it so you can give it to her later aren’t ya, you randy little sod!
Rodney: No I am not! All I’m trying to do is keep our marriage on the rails thank you very much!
Del: Alright! I was only winding you up you touchy little git. (sighs) alright come on then.
Rodney: Cheers Del
Del: But you get back here first thing in the morning. Those bottles of wine have got to be ready by tomorrow night at the latest.
(Del walks quickly into the lounge and takes Rodneys bottle of red off the sideboard and puts it under his coat and walks out while Rodneys taking his rubber gloves off. He goes to get the bottle of red and realises Dels taken it then tries to run after him to get it back.)
Rodney: Del!!
