So what would happen if you had a 3rd episode in the Miami Twice 1991 Christmas Special?
Simon Nash presents an Only Fools and Horses Script to make a trilogy. Enjoy reading a quality script over the coming few days…
Red Red Wine – Set just days after 1991 Miami Twice
Scene 1
Nags head. Boycie and Marlene are in the pub and Mike at the bar.
Mike: So did you have a good holiday then you two?
Boycie: Oh yes Michael we had a lovely holiday, nice hotels, good weather. There we were taking in the wonders and natural beauty of the peaceful Everglades, then Del and Rodney showed up, and all of a sudden we were being shot at by the mafia! It was like a cross between Miami vice and wildlife on one.
Mike: What did I tell you before you went away then eh Boycie? contract killers I said. And I was right.
Marlene: That’s right, it makes you think doesn’t it? could have happened to anybody couldn’t it? I mean it could’ve happened to us!
Boycie: That’s right, mind you I don’t know what would be worse, having a bunch of ruthless Italian killers trying to bump us off any way possible, or coming face to face with someone who looks exactly like you Marlene! Hahahahahahahaha!
Marlene: (says nothing and walks over to the push chair) Come on Tyler let’s go home and laugh at those funny looking people on the tele.
Mike: Aah, what’s that then his favourite kids program?
Marlene: No, on top of the TV cabinet it’s a photograph of Boycies family.
Mike: (laughs) nice one! See you soon Marlene take care love.
Trigger enters the bar
Trigger: Watchya Boycie, I’ll ‘ave a pint of mild please Mike. good holiday?
Boycie: Not too bad Trig. I preferred it to the various island holidays we’ve been on in the past.
Trigger: Yeah, I bet it gets a bit boring staying in one place for 2 weeks don’t it?
Boycie: Well I wouldn’t mind it if I was on my own. But going on a single centre holiday with Marlene is like spending 2 weeks on a beach with Peggy Mitchell.
Trigger: Yeah, but you’ve got a nice pair of boobs to look at though.
Boycie: Yeah… Eh?! I take it you’re talking about Peggy Mitchell!
Trigger: Yeah course!
Boycie: I should think so too, I mean you should see what Marlene has to offer, it’s like looking at 2 raisins on a breadboard!
Trigger: I’d like to meet a girl with a nice pair.
Mike: Yeah, well beggars can’t be choosers eh Trig! Just a girl would do for starters! (laughs)
Trigger: I’ve had my fair share of women Mike.
Boycie: Yeah, but every time you take a bird out to dinner they have to ask to look the menu in braille. ahahahahahahahaha…
Trigger: Actually Boycie I’ll have you know that all the birds I’ve had, have been attracted to me because of my good looks.
Boycie: Well it wouldn’t be through stimulating conversation would it! You make Roland the Rat sound intelligent.(Del walks in the bar) Oh look here comes this year’s winner of the Godfather look-alike contest!
Del: Yes very funny Boycie. How’s it going Mike? I’ll have a Singapore sling and give them two whatever they’re drinking will ya. And have one for yourself Mike.
Mike: Cheers Del.
Boycie: No you’re alright Del I’m just off. I’ve got to go and pick up our holiday snaps from Boots before they close. I take it you didn’t take many photos of your holiday Del boy.
Del: We didn’t get chance to did we. All our luggage got nicked the first night we was there.
Boycie: Never mind, I heard the Miami police department captured the whole holiday on video for you! hahahahahahaha (Boycie leaves the pub)
Del: I need him don’t I eh .
Trigger: Bet it’s good to be back though ain’t it Del boy?
Del: Ohh what? You can say that again Trig. That’s the last time I go away on holiday with Rodney. I wished I’d let him go on his own now I really do. But you know what he’s like don’t ya. Practically begged me to go with him. Anyway, that’s all in the past, You’ve got to look to the future haven’t you eh?
Mike: Well, I reckon you’d be better off still hiding from the mafia Del.
Del: eh? What do you mean?
Mike: Well I heard you’ve got God after your blood now!.
Del: Oh you heard about my little wine deal then did ya? Who told you about that?
Mike: Albert said you was in a spot of bother over some wine you sold the church. Something about it being the wrong colour.
Del: That’s right. I tried to sort the church out with a load of wine for their holy communion. But when it arrived it turns out to be white wine. But it was supposed to represent the colour of Christs blood. If it’d been his piss I’d have been laughing!
Trigger: So what colour should it have been then Del?
Mike: What do you mean ‘what colour should it have been?’?!
Del: Gordon Bennett! When was the last time you cut yourself eh? It was meant to be red weren’t it eh!
Trigger: Can’t you just swap it up for red wine then?
Del: Well you see it’s not as simple as that Trig. Cause the bloke I got it from can only get hold of white wine. So that means I’ve got 2 lorry loads of quality Romanian Riesling Michael.
Mike: I don’t want any Del!
Del: But it’s good stuff Mike and it’s cheap.
Mike: I can’t take it even if I wanted to, I’m getting random inspections from the brewery now. I can’t even sell my homemade pies and stu anymore.
Trigger: That’s a shame Mike, I used to like a bowl of stu. It used to take away the taste of your beer.
Mike: Give it a rest will you Trigger.
Del: Terrific, I suppose I’ll have to pour the lot down the Kermit won’t I eh. Give us a top up will ya Mike.
I dunno Trig, Just when I think I’ve got the perfect money making scheme that’ll turn me into a millionaire it all falls apart around me.
Trigger: Don’t worry about it Del boy. Something’ll turn up when you least expect it.
Del: Yeah. (Del watches Mike as he mixes his Singapore sling with a mixture of colourful liqueurs and his face slowly changes from despair to happiness as he comes up with an idea) Do you know what Trig you’re absolutely right pal!
(Trigger gives Del a confused look.)
It was a decent script. I began writing scripts of my own OFAH episodes when I was 16. Ten years later and I still attempt to write my own script for an original comedy piece. Bloody difficult.
I have a couple of OFAH scripts on here. The grammar is a bit shoddy and I would imagine the “jokes” I wrote seemed funny to me back then!
Hi Griff!
Thanks for the comments and feedback mate. I wanted to make this one REALLY long. I actually wish I had now. But I thought it would get a bit boring.
Miami Twice is probably the only story where I watched the end of it and thought how would they be feeling having escaped the mafia?! truth is they would either get on with their lives or more realistically go into shock or keep watching their backs for a while! but that would’ve been more like an episode of Eastenders! but I can see some potential funny bits in there too. Like everytime they heard a loud noise they’d duck! (but too close to Strangers on the Shore) That’s the trouble really. Sullivan was such an amazing writer he’s thought of all the good ones already! I will be putting fingers to keyboard again for a new story one day. thanks for reading it and I’ll check out some of your scripts later.
Cheers mate
Simon
So far, so good!
What a line this was, a genuine laugh out loud from me in the office just now:
Trigger: I’ve had my fair share of women Mike.
Boycie: Yeah, but every time you take a bird out to dinner they have to ask to look the menu in braille. ahahahahahahahaha…
10/10 stuff.. about to read the second page.
Hi Griff!
Thanks for that! not sure where that came from to be honest!! I just wrote what I thought they’d say.
Hope you enjoy/enjoyed the rest of it!
Cheers mate
Simon