THERE IS A RHINO LOOSE IN THE CITY
Based on an original idea by Derek Trotter,with sarcastic comments from Albert and Rodney.
Download Script (28K)EXT.NIGHT A ZOO.
We pan along various cages as the camera takes us into the zoo,just then A rhino appears at a bend in the bars,the Rhino now stands up and squeezes through the bars and legs it out of the Zoo.
EXT.NIGHT. A COUNTRY LANE
We see the Rhino walking along the side of a road,it comes to a sign,the sign says…
‘TO LONDON’ and an arrow pointing one way,and TO THE STICKS and an arrow pointing the other way
The Rhino follows the arrow to London.
EXT.DAY THE ZOO
We are in the car park and a female Zoo keeper (Marlean) stands looking at the car park entrance and then to her watch.
A car pulls into the car park and Detective Heston (Delboy) gets out.
HESTON.Good afternoon ma’m,I beleive you phoned my nick with some information regarding the 300 people that have turned up dead in London covered in Rhino prints.
ZOO KEEPER.Thats right Detective.
HESTON.Mai Oui,please call me Charlton
As the Detective say Charlton a car park attendent laughs.
HESTON.Oi,my mother was a fan alright pal? now whats your name?
ZOO KEEPER.Im Joan.
HESTON.Joan is one of my most favourite names.
ZOO KEEPER.Shall we go to my office and discuss it.
HESTON.Lead the way.
As she goes Heston grabs her arse and whistles,she laughs.
INT.DAY. ZOO KEEPERS OFFICE.
JOAN.Ive got a Rhino missing
HESTON.How long has it been missing?
JOAN.I dunno.
HESTON.Look love,if you’ve got a Rhino and one day its missing,you tend to notice.
JOAN.Yeah but I aint just got one Rhino,ive probably got two or three Rhino’s.
HESTON.Maybe,just maybe we’ve got a killer Rhino on the loose in London.
EXT.NIGHT A LONDON BACK STREET.
An old man walks(Albert) round the back of a block of lock up garages,as he does we see from the POV of something in one of the garages,just then it charges and knocks the old man over.
OLD MAN.Aint it bloody fair ay? I though a war ya know
He now shuts his eyes and dies.
EXT.DAY. A LONDON BACKSTREET
A couple og coppers in uniform zip up the body as Detective Heston makes a few notes in his book.
COPPER.Do you want a lift back to the station sir?
HESTON.No thanks,im gonna go sample the nice and relaxing atmosphere and the friendly service of the seventh heaven sauna.
Just then 150 extra’s walk past the shot.
HESTON.Hang on a minute there son,look at that garage,its open,lets go take a look.
Heston and the copper go into the open garage,we see that it has something covering the floor.
HESTON.Do you know what this is?
COPPER.No.
HESTON.Its three and half foot of Rhino crap.
COPPER.Do you think that its A rhino thats been killing everyone then Sir.
HESTON.No no no,I still think its that Butler we questioned,i mean if it had been a rhino people on the tops of buses and sat in cafes would have seen it,unless of course it only comes out at night.
COPPER.What is it,a vam……
HESTON.Don’t!!
Just then two men come into shot (man one played by Mike and man two by Trigger)
MAN1.Fancy that,we go to the health food shop to get some carrotts and theres a bloody Rhino out the back.
MAN2.Yeah.
Heston hears this and approaches.
HESTON.Did you say that there is a Rhino hold up in the back of a health food shop
MAN 1.Yeah.
HESTON.What about you,did you see it?
MAN 2.You dirty rat.
HESTON.Right you can take me there.
MAN.I cant mate sorry,im only in a little cameo.
Heston pulls his phone out and dials a number.
HESTON.Hello is that Joan,yeah its Charlton,ive found your Rhino,yeah its hiding in the back of a health food shop,yeah meet me there.
EXT.DAY A HEALTH FOOD SHOP
Heston and Joan enter the shop.
HESTON.Is it right that you’ve got a Rhino hiding out the back?
LADY.It was here but its gone,I think its heading for the sticks where no sod lives.
JOAN.Shall we follow it?
HESTON.Well I thought maybe we could go back to mine and i could give you what for because your the romantic interest.
JOAN.Alright then.
Heston sweps Joan off her feet and they leave.
JOAN.What about if the Rhino causes trouble out in the sticks.
HESTON.Its not my problem,you don’t call someone like me out because someones had a go at ya carrotts.
THE END
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