ONCE APON A TIME IN PECKHAM
-Third hand motors-
This is set during the sixty’s when Del was a teenager.
by Rico
EXT.DAY. Nelson Mandella House Car Park.
A man resembling Trigger is sweeping the car park with a council wheelie bin, he walks with a limp.
Just then a beaten up old banger careers round the corner spewing smoke and making a terrible din.
We now see who is driving, Its Del and in the passenger seat is a young Trig.
DEL.Ere Trig,Aint that your Grandad?
TRIG.Yeah it is,he’ll kill me if he see’s me with y……in this car.
DEL.He ain’t still giving you a hard time about hanging about with me is he?
TRIG.He don’t mind me hanging about with you so much Del, its more the stealing, shoplifting, fly pitching and conning he’s got a problem with.
DEL.Well stop doing it then.
TRIG.He means you.
DEL.Oi,thats not fair Trig, you tell him from me, I do not steal, ere, I tell ya what, I’ll go have a word with him, keep him busy, and you sneak up to the flat.
Del gets out of the car and approaches Trigs grandad as Trig scarpers into the tower block.
DEL.Hows it going Mr. Ball?
MR BALL.Oh,alright Delboy, son, ere, my Grandson aint with you, is he?
DEL.What Trig, no, I ain’t seen him all week.
MR BALL.In that case,what ya selling?
DEL.You name it, Iv’e got it.
MR BALL.Well its Trigs nans birthday next week and she’ll want to go out for a meal, I aint got nothing to wear,see?
DEL.What d’ya need then, a new suit?
MR BALL.How much?
DEL.A tenner.
MR BALL.On ya bike.
DEL.Alright I tell ya what, giz a tenner and I’ll get you a nice suit to wear for when you take Trigs gran out, picture the scene,theres her looking all Greta Garbot, theres you looking all Fred Astair, romantic music, and a delicious steak meal, a moonlit walk home holding hands, a kiss in the rain, then back to your place for a……well I’ll let you sort that bit out.
He thinks about it.
MR BALL.All that for a tenner, your on.
He hands Del the tenner not realising that he is getting nothing more than the original deal.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Joan is doing her make-up in the mirror on the table, Reg is laying on the sofa doing the cross word.
REG.Ere,you goin’ out?
JOAN.No,im making sure I look alright to do your dinner aint I?
REG.No need to be sarcastic, you know I ‘ate it.
Del enters with Trig.
DEL.Alright Mum, Dad.
JOAN.Ello Darlin’ where you been all morning?
REG.Watchya Trig, aint seen you for a while, you still as thick as sh…
JOAN.REG!!
REG.I was gonna say two short planks.
JOAN.Like hell you were, where ya bin love?
DEL.Me and Trig have been cleaning cars with Boycie at his dad’s showroom.
REG.I hope that tight git paid ya.
DEL.Yeah course he did.
REG.How much?
DEL.He didn’t pay us in money.
JOAN.What did he pay you in then?
REG.Buttons knowin’ him.
DEL.Au contraire actually Dad, take a look out of the window.
Reg gets up and goes over to the window and looks.
REG.Theres nothing down there……..oh hang on, oh not again, some sod has dumped another old banger on the carpark.
DEL.Thats our wages.
JOAN.You mean Boycies old man gave you a car as payment.
DEL.Yeah its a cracker innit?
JOAN.But your not old enough to drive.
REG.He’s alright.
JOAN.He could kill himself.
REG.Well it’ll get him out the flat.
JOAN.But he could get into trouble, he’ll have to get rid of it.
REG.Oh stop moaning and put the kettle on.
JOAN.Then again he could give you a lift down the job centre.
REG.You heard ya mother, get shot of it.
DEL.Don’t worry mum we aint gonna drive it, we’re gonna do it up and flog it.
JOAN.Oh thats alright then.
REG.Yeah,thank gord for that, hang on,how did you two get that thing here?
DEL.We pushed it didn’t we Trig
He elbows Trig.
TRIG.Yeah, we pushed it.
JOAN.Good boys.
REG.Bloody thing probably don’t go anyway.
TRIG.It went fine on the way here dint it Del?
They all react.
Joan goes into the kitchen.
REG.Delboy,don’t forget its ya mothers birthday next week,make sure you get her something nice.
DEL.I’ll get her something nice, don’t worry about that,what are you getting her? Something better than last year I hope?
REG.There was nothing wrong with what I got her,she had a wonderfull time.
TRIG.What did you get her Mr Trotter?
REG.I took her to see Millwall-Spurs.
DEL.Well? What ya got her then?
REG.Iv’e got her this solid gold chain with all diamonds hanging off it, really nice peice an’all.
DEL.Is it real?
REG.It better be or Tony from the pub has done me out of three quid.
Del shakes his head.
EXT.DAY THE CAR PARK
We have a music playing over a stop-motion scene of Del and Trig doing the car up,the clean it, dry it then add some paint.
We now join them in normal time.
DEL.There, look at that.
TRIG.Looks alright don’t it?
DEL.Not really but there ya go,how much do you think we should ask for it?
TRIG.I dunno, how much do you reckon it’s worth?
DEL.Well the brakes are spongy,it needs a new engine, the doors are stiff, the locks don’t work and the boot don’t open.
TRIG.Shall we give it away then?
DEL.I dunno, I’ll ask me dad when I go in, he’ll know how much to knock it out for.
INT.NIGHT. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
We see that the kitchen light is on and it is smokey,indicating Joan is cooking dinner.
Reg sits in the chair half asleep watching TV.
Grandad is doing his hair in the mirror.
REG.You taking that bird out again, Dad?
GRANDAD.Yeah, just for a quick one.
REG.A quick what?
GRANDAD.A quick drink you dirty minded so-an-so.
Del comes in from the bedroom area.
DEL.Whats for dinner tonight dad?
REG.God knows, ya mums cooking so it could be anything from raw bacon to burnt lettuce.
DEL.Alright grandad,did ya see that film last night about the vampire hunters?
GRANDAD.No was it any good?
DEL.Yeah it was about this man who killed Dracula with a steak.
REG.Thats nothing, your mother could do that with egg and chips.
Joan enters.
JOAN.I heard that ya cheeky sod, are you in for tea Del?
DEL.No,Trig will be here soon then we’re meeting a geezer at the pub about buying that car.
REG.I noticed the rust bucket wasn’t parked downstairs on the way back from the book……..shops, as he got it?
DEL.Yeah,he drove it home to make sure it goes alright.
JOAN.So its just me and you for tea then Reg.
REG.Don’t say it like that, it’ll be nice.
JOAN.You mean your gonna sit up the table with me and have a nice chat?
REG.No it means i’ll be able to lay on the couch and go to sleep afterwards.
There is a knock at the door, Del lets Trig in.
DEL.Oh watchya Trig, your a bit late, get caught in traffic?
TRIG.No I picked a hitch hiker up.
JOAN.Oi thats dangerous that is, picking up strangers.
TRIG.I know that Mrs Trotter, but it was only fair, seeing as it was me that knocked him down.
DEL.Come on lets go, see ya later you lot.
ALL.Bye etc.
INT.NIGHT. THE NAGS HEAD CAR PARK
Del stands with Trig in the carpark, they are not near a car.
Just then a flash car pulls in and a well dressed man with a thin cigar gets out.
DEL.Alright Mr Boyce?
BOYCE.Good evening Delboy, what are you doing around here, keeping lookout while ya dad robs the cellar? (He does a version of Boycies famous laugh)
DEL.No we’re about to flog that car you gave us.
BOYCE.Flog that car? you can’t,its….well what I mean is….I though you we’re gonna use it y’self.
DEL.What no, im too young to drive int I? Me and Trig done it up and now we’re gonna flog it.
BOYCE.I’ll be straight with ya, I bought that car off a geezer who is known for nicking cars.
DEL.What we’re you gonna do with it?
BOYCE.Flog it to some half head and deny all knowledge.
DEL.Well don’t worry,we’ve painted it all up, looks like a different car.
BOYCE.Well don’t mention me then alright?
He leaves.
A man then approaches Del and Trig, he is a big man and looks a little untidy.
MAN.Are you hear about that car?
DEL.Yea thats right. Are you arthur?
MAN.Thats me, when the landlord said he knows someone who’s selling a car, I expected it to be someone who’s old enough to drive.
DEL.Its round here.
They go round the corner.
MAN.I used to have a car like this, the paint was better though, yeah it got nicked about a week ago.
DEL.Get away!
TRIG.Del I think this is…
DEL.Shut it, Trig.
MAN.Hang on a minute, this is my car, its just been painted up……painted up with ceiling paint or something.
The man turns round and Del and Trig are gone.
EXT.NIGHT. A STREET
Del and Trig walk along kicking a can.
TRIG.I reckon we’re well shot of that car.
DEL.Yeah.
TRIG.I don’t wanna get involved with nothing nicked anyway.
DEL.Nor me, what shall we do now?
TRIG.Well ive gotta go get that brouch you want for your mum aint I?
DEL.Oh yeah,how ya gonna get it?
TRIG.Well I’ll wait till me Grans asleep.
DEL.You mean your gonna nick it off ya gran?
TRIG.No im gonna nick next doors spare key off me gran.
DEL.I don’t wanna know anymore Trig, just get it and i’ll give ya the money.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Joan is opening a load of birthday cards, Reg sits reading the paper in his dressing gown.
Del hands his mum a small present, she opens it and it is a broach.
JOAN.Oh its lovely babe, thanks.
DEL.What about you dad?
JOAN.Theres more chance of Elvis playing the community centre than him getting me something.
REG.Thats where your wrong actually bucket mouth, here ya go….
He throws Joan a set of keys and she catches them.
REG.Look out of the window.
She goes.
DEL.What have ya got her?
REG.I met this geezer in the pub last night, he was selling his car for forty quid, I thought Lovely Jubble, I’ll have some of that.
JOAN.Oh Reg its lovely, im gonna go sit in it.
Del goes over to the window.
DEL.Oh no! YOU WALLY!
We now see it is the car Del had.
THE END
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