The Bells of Peckham
by Gary Stocker & Paul Stocker
…Continued from yesterdays script the The Bells of Peckham part 5
scenes 33 to 36
ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
EXT. ROMFORD DOGS, RACETRACK – NIGHT
Rodney manages to outpace the greyhounds and leaps over the advertising hoarding in time. He starts walking over to Del’s area, gasping for breath.
RACE ANNOUNCER
Will somebody please eject that idiot!
RODNEY
Me?
INT. THE DIAMOND ROOM – BAR – NIGHT
The place is full to the rafters, they have singing cabaret act and the compare come son stage after the act finishes.
COMPARE
Right, now, ladies and gentlemen. We have a special treat for a certain lady in the audience tonight. And if I may I’d like her to come and join me on stage for a bit. So could you put your hands together for Miss Raquel Turner.
Raquel looks shocked as Cassandra and Marlene laugh with her.
Raquel begrudgingly takes to the stage.
COMPARE
Hello darlin’ I understand you’re getting married tomorrow?
RAQUEL
Yes that’s the plan.
COMPARE
and your hen do is this evening? Well, my dear. If you would just like to take a seat just there. We’ve been asked by a friend of yours to do a little show for you.
Raquel sits.
COMPARE
Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you tonight, two of our adult entertainers. Captain Courteous and Spider-like-man.
Out from the wings comes two “strippers” dressed as two super heroes. The suggestive music starts and both men surround Raquel with a sexy dance.
CUT TO:
Cassandra and Marlene are watching the show in the audience when we see DEL, RODNEY, BOYCIE and the rest of the stag do enter the bar. Rodney spots Cassandra.
RODNEY
That’s Cassandra.
DEL
Don’t talk to me, Rodney. Don’t talk to me.
RODNEY
No. Straight up. It is.
BOYCIE
And if I’m not mistaken that’s your future wife up on the stage with two blokes.
DEL
What? Getaway.
DAMIEN
Mum?
Boycie laughs.
Cassandra and Marlene turn around and see the boys.
CASSANDRA
What the hell are you lot doing here?
DEL
Oh we’ve only got your husband to thank for that. This wally only decided to give the greyhounds a run for their money.
DENZIL
Literally.
CASSANDRA
(to Rodney)
You tried to outrun a greyhound?
DEL
He tried… He came fourth! We all got thrown out after that.
CASSANDRA
Was this some kind of stupid bet?
RODNEY
No. Look.
DEL
Nevermind that. What’s Raquel doing up there?
MARLENE
I’d call it enjoying herself.
We cut back to the stage and both men are now topless but they still have their masks on. Raquel is enjoying the attention.
Cut back to the audience. Del is open mouthed.
RODNEY
Leave it, Del. Let her have a bit of fun.
DEL
A bit of fun. That’s my future wife up there. And what does he think he’s going to do with that banana? RIGHT!
DEL bounds off to sort the male strippers out. We remain on BOYCIE, MARLENE, RODNEY, CASSANDRA, DAMIEN, DENZIL and TYLER.
We HEAR shouting and screams as the place then turns into a riot.
CUT TO:
Stage wings. The stripper with the Spider man mask looks out of the curtain.
SPIDER-LIKE-MAN
Del?
The man takes his mask off revealing him to be Mickey Pearce.
DEL OOV
Mickey, I’ll bloody swing for you.
Mickey exits.
INT. RODNEY’S LOUNGE – NIGHT
Del is laying on the sofa smoking a cigar, obviously the worse for wear. Rodney is standing behind the sofa, wobbling, but staying upright.
DEL
Go on Rodders. Let’s have a bra… bra… brandy.
RODNEY
Bloody hell, Del. Don’t you think you’ve had enough for one day? You’ve had more cocktails than a blue oyster happy hour.
DEL
You’ve always been a w… w..
Rodney looks sternly at Del.
DEL (CONT’D)
Worrier.
RODNEY
No, Derek. It’s just (hiccup) that when you’re in that church tomorrow I don’t want you saying “I do” all over Raquel’s dress.
DEL
Leave off Rodney. You were the one that always had the hangovers.
RODNEY
They weren’t (hiccup) hangovers. It was the thought of eating Grandad’s breakfast.
DEL
Cor I know, Bruv. He’s the only bloke I know who’d muck up a microphone meal.
RODNEY
You mean Microwave.
DEL
Yeah him ‘n all.
Rodney looks in the cupboard.
DEL (CONT’D)
What you doing, R… Rodney?
RODNEY
Looking for an iron.
DEL
Bit late for bloody golf ain’t it?
RODNEY
An Iron you wally. I wanna give me suit a once over.
DEL
At half one in the morning? Give it a rest will you, Rodders.
RODNEY
What do you suggest then, Del? Nip out to a club?
DEL
A club? Gordon Bennett, The only club I go to now is the Peckham Gardening club.
RODNEY
I was joking. A-ha.
Rodney has found the iron and places his trousers on the floor and starts pushing the iron over them in his tiddly state. Del stands to watch.
DEL
Rodney.
RODNEY
Yeah?
DEL
Rodney.
RODNEY
What?
DEL
RODNEY!
RODNEY
What is it? This bloody thing ain’t working.
DEL
It might help if you plug it in.
RODNEY
Ah. Yes.
Rodney plugs the iron in.
DEL
Rodney… My brother.
RODNEY
You’re right there, Del.
DEL
I’m sorry.
RODNEY
Sorry for what? (hiccup)
DEL
Sorry for holding you back, all them years.
RODNEY
From what?
DEL
You… You had CBG’s.
RODNEY
Huh?
DEL
GCE’s.
RODNEY
Well, yeah but only two, Del. It was hardly gonna get me into Oxford.
DEL
Two more than me, Bruv. You… You could have had a career.
RODNEY
I had a career, Del.
DEL
Did you?
RODNEY
Well I lumped that suitcase about fairly.
DEL
And bloody good at it you were, Rodders. I wanted to make Trotters Independent Traders a kosher business but I didn’t have what it took.
RODNEY
What are you going on about you senile old berk? If it wasn’t for you, Del-Boy, I’d have been in care. Who knows where I’d have ended up? I could have ended up on the street, into drugs or a drunk.
DEL
Look at you now, hey Bruv? Married, a father and…
RODNEY
Drunk!
They both laugh.
DEL
Come here.
Del pulls Rodney in for a hug but Rodney still has the hot iron in his hand. We see Del’s face change from a smile to pain.
DEL (CONT’D)
Aaaarrrggghhhh!
EXT. CHURCH – DAY
You can HEAR the hustle and bustle of the guests inside the church. Del and Rodney, resplendent in top hat and tails, are chatting outside the door.
RODNEY
The time has finally arrived, Del. You feeling nervous?
DEL
Apart from that burn mark on the inside of my leg, I feel… (searches for the word) Pukka, Rodders, I feel pukka.
RODNEY
That’s a good sign. Here, do you know you’ve got two roses in your lapel?
Del pulls out one of the roses.
DEL
Follow me, Rodney.
Scenes 36 onwards continues tomorrow in part 7
Not too bad – I do enjoy most of the Boycie lines. Very believable.
Ronnie Pickering? Not inspired by the viral Ronnie Pickering video then?
I know part 7 is due to be posted and I may yet be surprised, but no Trigger? Trigger hasn’t died in the OFAH universe. I do hope he makes an appearance shortly, but would be strange if he did all the same since he wasn’t at the stag do.
Whilst on the topic of the sad deaths of OFAH stars, what about Mike? He could have technically been involved in this script. I know the synopsis says it follows the up-to-date OFAH team, but still.
Not sure you can win with Damien and his dialogue. I think John Sullivan’s only mistake was his vision of what an 11 year old naughty boy should act like. This version of Damien seems far too sensible and straight headed.
Rodney running away from the dogs – very good! Great continuity given his experience with Dukey.
Quite a decent script but very short scenes with little or no one-liners/gags. It’s a great effort boys! Because I did raise a smile mostly! Keep it going!