The Bells of Peckham
by Gary Stocker & Paul Stocker
…Continued from yesterdays script the The Bells of Peckham part 1
scenes 5 to 9
ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
EXT. TROTTER BALCONY – DAY
Del appears on the balcony. Hurt, but holding it in. He pulls out a big cuban cigar, lights it and puffs out a lot of smoke just as Rodney appears.
RODNEY
(coughing)
Oi. What did you come out here for?
DEL
Get a bit of fresh air, Rodney, Fresh air. I can’t do nothing right, no more, can I, bruv? If it ain’t Damien having a pop at me, It’s Raquel. Gawd knows what’s up with her lately?
RODNEY
Yeah she’s been a bit lively, ain’t she?
DEL
If only I knew the reason, Rodney.
RODNEY
I think I know, Del.
DEL
What?
RODNEY
What’s up with her.
DEL
I know that, dipstick. Tell ME then.
RODNEY
Oh. Yeah. Well, you know she’s now become a Grandmother and you and her aren’t… you know.
DEL
What?
RODNEY
You know…
DEL
What is this? Give us a bloody clue or something?
RODNEY
Married! Come on, Del. You’ve been together nearly thirty years.
Resignation finally sinks on Del’s face.
DEL
Yeah. I know that. Raquel wants to get married but… It’s just… Look what happened with you and Cassandra, hey?
RODNEY
(defensive)
Why? What happened with me and Cassandra?
DEL
A year after you were married, she gave you the sack.
RODNEY
She did not give me the sack. In fact, Derek, for your information, I left her.
DEL
Well imagine if that happened to me and Raquel… She’d be entitled to half of what I got.
RODNEY
Is that it? That’s why you’ve never married. You think she’d be after your money… actually, you ain’t got any money.
DEL
Yeah I know that. Only my retirement fund.
RODNEY
That was what Albert left you.
DEL
At least I’ve still got most of mine. Whatever made you buy that flippin’ great house.
RODNEY
It was an Investment.
DEL
Yeah an investment that means you’ve got to keep working for Trotters independent traders for the next twenty years.
RODNEY
I’m the MD. Damien’s in charge of sales.
DEL
Bloody good job he is. You’re no good at it.
RODNEY
Oh and when are you going to get rid of that bloody van. It’s had a longer life than Kirk Douglas.
DEL
It still goes.
RODNEY
Just? Look, So you’re worried about Raquel having half of what you’ve got? How are you going to split the van, then? It’s got three wheels!
DEL
Alright. I get you, Rodney. You know I’m just trying to look after myself. Mind, I’ve looked after everyone else all me life, haven’t I?
RODNEY
Yeah. You sure have. In your own inimitable way. Look. I’m not on your case. I just mean you ought to think about it.
DEL
Good boy, Rodders. Mum would have been proud of you. I’ll think about it. Yeah?
RODNEY
Yeah. You know it makes sense.
DEL
Oi.
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
Pleasant, sunny day. Del and Rodney walking on a path between graves.
CLOSE SHOT of a bunch of flowers being placed carefully by Del on the bottom of Joan Trotters monument. Need to be tight in on this first shot. Hands only.
RODNEY (OOV)
You can tell you’re retired, Del. You must spend most of your time down here.
MID SHOT – Del and Rodney looking at Mum’s monument. Rodney is smirking.
DEL
What makes you say that, Rodney?
RODNEY
I mean, look at it. It looks like Elton John’s opened up a flower shop.
CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF MUMS MONUMENT.
Sure enough, the monument is completely covered with lovely, but over the top flowers.
DEL
I can’t deny that I’ve turned these fingers green, Rodders.
RODNEY
Yeah counting money all your life.
DEL
That’s not true. Anyway, you were supposed to be the financial adviser. Look at you. Buy a house you can’t afford and now you’ll be working until your ready for this place.
RODNEY
I know. And don’t you think that scares the hell out of me! Joan’s looking to go to University next year. How am I going to pay for that?Cassie’s gone for Branch manager again. She’s now the queen entertainer. Then there’s me, Walking through the door after a day in the market, modelling whatever crap Damien has bought. You know, the other day, he had me modelling those Jeans that don’t cover your arse. I daren’t turn round.
DEL
You should have put your best boxers on, then.
RODNEY
No. To add to that, Damien also had me modelling these Pants that had less material than what Ghandi wore. It was like I was wearing cheesewire. I got a cold.
DEL
Perhaps he needs to get a younger model?
RODNEY
Yeah. (sinks in) Oi. You can’t replace me. I’m the M.D.
DEL
Well, you’re not really are you, Rodney.
RODNEY
See, nothings changed, Del. I just haven’t got the heart anymore…
DEL
Oi! Don’t you talk like that. Not in mums presence. You’re better than that. Don’t give up, Rodders.
RODNEY
It’s alright for you. You’ve always had that fire in your belly. Granted, sometimes it was a dodgy madras, but you knew what you wanted. This has all been just a day dream. Everything I’ve ever wanted to do has failed.
DEL
Tell me what you want to do about it then?
RODNEY
Painting. I want to paint.
DEL
I’ve seen your decorating skills. They’re up there with Grandad’s
RODNEY
No. Not that kind of… Bloody hell. Oil Painting. I see myself as potentially being one of the greats.
DEL
Oh. I see. Yes. Like that Van Cough.
RODNEY
Well, Maybe like Van Gough.
DEL
You do realise that most of these artists didn’t sell anything when they were alive?
RODNEY
There are artists alive that sell. There’s Damien Hirst and Banksy.
DEL
Banksy? Sounds like a Labourer’s tea boy.
RODNEY
That’s the trouble talking to you, Del. Trying to get a level playing field on an intellectual level.
DEL
Thank you, Rodney.
RODNEY
Dear God.
DEL
By the way, Rodders. I’ve been giving your chat the other day a bit of fought.
RODNEY
Yeah? What was that?
DEL
About me and Raquel. Getting hitched.
RODNEY
Oh that. Really?
DEL
Yeah. I think you’re right. We’ve spoken about it over the years but never done anything about it.
RODNEY
You mean YOU’VE never done anything about it.
DEL
I’m going to propose.
RODNEY
Good. Good. You will do it romantically though, won’t you?
DEL
I’m the king of romance, me. That Huge Grant ain’t got nuffink on me.
RODNEY
You won’t do something stupid like ask her in the Kitchen, Kazi or in the Nags head? Be like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle, make it memorable.
DEL
No. No. I’ve got it all planned, Rodders. Trust me.
INT. RODNEY’S LOUNGE – DAY
The house is full of nice ornaments and furnishings. Obviously Cassandra’s choice. Rodney is sitting on the sofa, feet up, reading the paper. Cassandra is at a table on her lap top. Joan is revising and writing in a jotter pad, next to Cassandra.
JOAN
What about Liverpool?
RODNEY
(without looking up from paper)
Liverpool? No. They lost 4-2 at the weekend.
CASSANDRA
Lost 4-2? She meant Liverpool university. You haven’t been listening, have you, Roddy?
Rodney puts paper down and stands up to face the girls.
RODNEY
I’m sorry, Cass, Joan. I’m just thinking of something Del said to me earlier. Promise you won’t laugh?
CASSANDRA
If it involves Del you know I can’t promise.
RODNEY
You need to promise me you won’t say anything.
CASSANDR
OK. What is it?
RODNEY
Del’s going to propose to Raquel.
Cassandra and Joan look at each other in shock and then burst out into violent laughter.
Rodney sits back down.
RODNEY(CONT’D)
I knew you’d be like that. Well I think he’s doing a very good thing.
CASSANDRA
Yeah, about twenty years too late.
RODNEY
Better late than never. His hearts always been in the right place.
JOAN
Behind his wallet.
RODNEY
Oi. Don’t you start.
CASSANDRA
But it’s true. Poor Raquel wanted it for years but I think even she’s given up on it now.
RODNEY
Has she? Oh god. I better warn him.
CASSANDRA
You can’t do that. Del has to find out for himself. Oh and when are you going to empty our spare room?
Cassandra gets up and opens a door. As she does so, a load of packets of nappies fall through the door opening.
CASSANDRA (CONT’D)
We’re not Trotters Independant Traders overflow warehouse, you know.
RODNEY
I know. I know. I’ll speak to Damien. See if he can find somewhere else for them.
CASSANDRA
I don’t care where they go, just anywhere but in this house. I’ve got my interview for Branch Manager tomorrow. Branch manager. I’ve been waiting for this opportunity all my life. I can’t live in this mess.
RODNEY
I’ll deal with it. I’ll get Denzil to get his contacts to pick ’em up and put them in his warehouse for a bit.
INT. TROTTER’S LOUNGE – DAY
Donna is changing the baby on the lounge floor. In walks Damien.
DAMIEN
Hiya. How’s our little Star?
DONNA
Grumpy as hell. That’s the fifth nappy this afternoon.
DAMIEN
What’s for tea?
DONNA
You’ve got a boil in the bag curry.
DAMIEN
Again?
DONNA
You can stay here and deal with this little squirt and I’ll naff off down the market, if you like?
DAMIEN
Sorry. I was thinking… How about Rafael?
DONNA
Rafael? Hmm Sounds good. Bit airy fairy but OK.
DAMIEN
No. Uncle Rod was talking about these artists the other day and apparently there this artist called Rafael and I liked the name. Oh. I forgot. Dad’ll be up in a min.
DONNA
Come to help with the nappy changing?
DAMIEN
No. No. He’s got some more nappies. Look grateful, please.
There is a friendly tap and the door and Del enters.
DEL
Hello Hello. Hows my little grandchild? (inhales) Cor, Blimey. Reminds me of you, Damie.
DAMIEN
Dad!
DONNA
We might have thought of a name.
DEL
At last.
DAMIEN
Yeah. Rafael.
DEL
Rafael. What? After the Ninja Turtle?
DAMIEN
No. Ninja bloody turtle. No. After the painter.
DEL
What that Italian decorator that goes down the nags head?
DONNA
No. He’s an artist. Damien, I don’t think Rafael is a good idea now.
DEL
Oh come on. It’s a nice name. Wait ’til I tell your muvver. Anyway, I’ve gotta shoot. Got some things to sort out. You know. People to see, places to go.
DAMIEN
Thanks for the nappies, Dad.
DONNA
(gritted teeth)
Yes. Thanks, Del. They’ll come in really handy.
DEL
Spiffing. OK. See you later, young ‘uns.
Del exits.
DAMIEN
I need to have a proper chat with Dad.
DONNA
What about?
DAMIEN
Don’t say anything, but it’s Uncle Rodney. I feel he’s holding me back. I mean he’s holding Trotters Independent Traders back.
DONNA
What makes you think that? He’s more sensible than your Dad.
DAMIEN
Dad took a risk every now and again. With Rodney we have to check what the market’s like, Is it coshia goods? Is there a sell by date. I can’t even remove the labels, now.
DONNA
Perhaps that’s the right way to be.
DAMIEN
But I can’t flog stuff like that. Sometimes you need to take a chance on something and it comes up roses.
DONNA
Or it doesn’t. Look, Damien. I always said I wouldn’t get in the way of anything you want to do. Perhaps you are right. A word with Del might change your mind?
INT. DENZIL’S BUS/RODNEY IN VAN – DAY
Denzil is driving his bus through the London streets. He gets a call from “Rodney” on his mobile, which is fixed to his dashboard. He answers the phone using his bluetooth earpiece. Rodney is driving the van, also using a “Trotter” Bluetooth ear peace.
DENZIL
Hey, Rodney.
RODNEY
Hi, Denzil? You driving?
DENZIL
Yeah but it’s fine. I’m using the bluetooth earpiece I bought off Damien.
RODNEY
Oh. You got one of them too?
DENZIL
You’re my first call.
RODNEY
(in background)
…and last, probably.
DENZIL
What was that, Rod?
RODNEY
Nothing, Denzil. Um I wondered if you can do me an urgent favour?
DENZIL
I’m always doing Trotters favours. What do you want?
RODNEY
Could you get a roomful of bog roll from my house…
The headset goes wrong and starts playing a song from the Spicegirls momentarily.
RODNEY(CONT’D)
… Cassandra’s bank. You know Streatham road?
DENZIL
Bloody thing.
RODNEY
You what?
DENZIL
This thing is playing up.
RODNEY
Is it? Mine’s okay.
DENZIL
So you want me to get one of my haulage boys to pick up a load of bog roll from your house and then…
The Spicegirls song cuts in again.
DENZIL (CONT’D)
…the bank.
RODNEY
Sorry?
DENZIL
Did you get all that? This ear piece is playing up.
RODNEY
I’ll get you a new one. Yeah. Fine. Thanks for that, Denzil.
DENZIL
No problem, Rod. You going up the..
The song cuts in once more.
DENZIL (CONT’D)
…a right boob.
RODNEY
Er. Yeah. ‘Triffic, Denzil. See you then.
Rodney cuts off the conversation and pulls the ear piece out.
RODNEY(CONT’D)
(muttering)
Useless bloody thing.
More of this great script in part 3 tomorrow