The Bells of Peckham
by Gary Stocker & Paul Stocker
…Continued from yesterdays script the The Bells of Peckham part 2
scenes 10 to 14
ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
INT. CASSANDRA’S BANK – OUTSIDE INTERVIEW ROOM – DAY
Cassandra is sitting nervously outside an interview room which is made of perspex glass. Inside the room are two of the bank bigwigs, (50’s) very stern and foreboding. These are the interviewers. One of them gets up and goes to the door.
INTERVIEWER # 1
(coughs)
Er. Mrs Trotter, please.
Cassandra stands, straightens her skirt, swallows and follows the interviewer into the room.
INT. CASSANDRA’S BANK – INTERVIEW ROOM – DAY
The room is bright and clear. There is a large board room like table in the centre. The two interviewers have their backs to the door. Cassandra sits opposite them.
INTERVIEWER # 1
So, Mrs Trotter. Or can I call you Cassandra?
CASSANDRA
Please do.
INTERVIEWER # 1
This is Roger Batton, Branch manager from Thames Ditton and I’m Jeff Quinton, London regional manager. Now, Cassandra, you’ve been with the firm for twenty-eight years, which is commendable in itself. This is your third interview for Branch Manager. Could you tell me why you think you were looked over those last two times.
CASSANDRA
(confidently)
To tell you the truth I thought I was ready for the responsibility but in hindsight…
Cassandra spots a man carrying a load of toilet rolls into the outside office and places them against the perspex wall.
CASSANDRA (CONT’D)
…um … in hindsight.. I didn’t have the experience in certain aspects of banking which were required. I have identified those areas and…
A different man brings another load of toilet rolls and places them against the perspex wall.
CASSANDRA (CONT’D)
…and …and I have purposely trained with the intention of obtaining the branch manager position.
CU of Cassandra’s face as she is talking – The more loads of toilet rolls that are placed against the wall makes the light on her face fade darker and darker.
INTERVIEWER #2
That’s very commendable Mrs Trotter, I mean Cassandra. Please, tell me, in you own words, if you will, why we should consider your application this time.
Cassandra is zoning out on the toilet rolls.
CASSANDRA
Sorry… Um. My application. Yes. Well, I have matured these last few years and have take a careful and considered approach to every detail in my current branch…
INT. Cassandra’s bank – outside interview room – day
A man in overalls brings the last handful of toilet rolls and places them against the wall. He turns to the secretary.
DENZIL’S MATE
That’s yer lot, love. See yah.
The secretary looks staggered. The door to the interview room opens and out walks Cassandra, and both the interviewers. All three look at the huge pile of toilet tissue, then the interviewers look at Cassandra.
CASSANDRA
We had a bout of dysentery in the office. Thought it best to make sure supplies were topped up.
INT. VAN – DAY
Rodney is still driving the van. The mobile goes and “The Boss” comes up on the screen.
RODNEY
Hello Cass.
CASSANDRA
You Bastard. You absolute…
The Spicegirls song kicks in.
CASSANDRA (CONT’D)
…all in the office. It ruined my interview. You are a complete…
The song kicks in again…
CASSANDRA (CONT’D)
…Out of my life you…
And once more…
Rodney takes the ear piece out as though he is scared of it and places it on the seat.
RODNEY
(to the earpiece)
Cass… Sweetness… Can we talk about whatever it is that’s upset you when I get home? Love?
Rodney turns it off and continues driving.
RODNEY(CONT’D)
What have I done, now?
(then realises)
What has Denzil done, now?
INT. THE NAGS HEAD – DAY
Del and Damien are sat at the bar. SHARON the new Landlady, early 40’s, tight top and lots of cleavage, has just given them their drinks. They look like they are staring at other punters.
DAMIEN
Blimey, Dad. Don’t think much of that old thing. Bit flea bitten ain’t it?
DEL
Dunno. Looks alright to me, son.
DAMIEN
Don’t look real to me.
DEL
Looks fairly real to me, boy.
DAMIEN
Looks like something you’d find stuffed.
DEL
If you say so, Damie.
DAMIEN
Dad? Are you listening? I’m talking about your coat.
DEL
Hey. Your mum bought that, didn’t she. She used to have a good eye for fashion but I think her old mince pies are going. You know what I mean, son?
DAMIEN
Where in gods name did she buy that from? A Cattery?
DEL
No. She bought it off you.
DAMIEN
Oh? Must have been what Uncle Rod bought the other week. He said they were persian rugs.
DEL
They probably used to be.
DAMIEN
Dad. It’s because of Uncle Rod I asked you to come here.
DEL
Is it? What’s up, son?
DAMIEN
It’s… erm…
DEL
Come on. You can tell me. I’m ya dad ain’t I. If you can’t confide in me who can ya?
DAMIEN
Yeah but…
DEL
What is it?
DAMIEN
It’s purely confidential, yeah?
DEL
Sure.
DAMIEN
But you said that when I told you Donna was pregnant.
DEL
And?
DAMIEN
And? And? You may as well have puit an avert in the Peckham Echo.
DEL
(caught out)
- Sorry Damie. But keeping a secret has never been a Trotter trait. Forget that, anyway. What is it you wanted to talk about?
DAMIEN
Rodney.
DEL
I gathered that. What about him?
DAMIEN
I think it maybe time for him to move onto pastures new. Trotters Independent Traders has moved into a new world. I’m afraid Fire damaged woks and legless turkeys are not going to make the company much doh rey me. I hate to say it, dad, but I feel like Uncle Rodney is holding me, erm, the company back.
DEL
Gawd blimey, Damien. He’s been doing that all his life. If it wasn’t for Rodney I’d have been a self built millionaire by now. No question. Right now I’d be sunning myself in San Fransisco bay, talking to some tart about having silver or brass hubs on the van. I’d… have a nice gold sovereign round me necklace.
Damien looks at the “BIG D” necklace around Del’s neck.
DAMIEN
Some saving grace there, then, dad.
DEL
Huh?
DAMIEN
Come on, Dad. You look a right tit. I’m talking Ferrari’s and Costa del suits.
DEL
Like it, Damie. Here, love, could we have a couple of scotches, have one yourself.
DAMIEN
I’m not gonna get that with Rodney.
DEL
No. But…
DAMIEN
Be lucky to get a costa del coat.
DEL
He’s family.
DAMIEN
Yeah but…
DEL
He’s my brother.
DAMIEN
Business is business.
DEL
Yeah. What?
DAMIEN
You always said business comes first.
DEL
It does.
DAMIEN
Well this is business. It’s Trotters Independent Traders. Titco.
DEL
I know but this is Rodney.
DAMIEN
He’ll find another job.
DEL
He has got two GCSE’s to be fair.
DAMIEN
That shouldn’t make a difference, dad. They won’t hold that against him.
DEL
Can’t you give him, ya know, a job in the company somewhere?
DAMIEN
(thinks)
What’s he like with a broom.
DEL
About as good as Trigger was.
DAMIEN
Oh Bloody hell, dad.
DEL
This is difficult, son.
Rodney enters the pub, looks around and spots Del and Damien.
DEL
Hello Rodders. What brings you in? You’re not usually in on a week night no more.
RODNEY
Well, Cassie’s pulling a moody, you know it’s any little thing with her. Joan’s got one of her mates round. The conversation is all bank seminars and Harry Styles and spots. It don’t half put you off your risotto, Del.
DEL
Yeah Harry Styles has that effect on me, Rodders.
RODNEY
So I thought I’d nip in here for some better conversation…
Damien is engrossed in his smartphone and Del is picking at his teeth with a cocktail stick.
RODNEY(CONT’D)
‘triffic.
DEL
Oh we’re glad you came in tonight, Rodney. Me and Damien have been having an executive board meeting, haven’t we, Damie?
DAMIEN
(sheepish)
Yeah.
RODNEY
Derek. You are no longer part of the company, so if you hold a meeting surely the managing director should be in attendance?
DEL
But you was busy.
RODNEY
Was I?
DEL
Talkin’ spots and fings. And what d’ya mean I’m no longer part of the company? I’ve got shares in Trotters Independent Traders.
RODNEY
Derek. To have shares in a company they have to be recorded in the company’s rules and regulations. The only rules our company has are in those knocked off stationary sets he bought.
DEL
How dare you, Rodney! I’ve worked hard for that business.
RODNEY
Come on, Del. How many companies write their accounts on a sheet of Andrex?
DAMIEN
Uncle Rodney. Times are changing. I wanna move Trotters Independent Traders into higher value goods. Now, I was talking to Ronnie, You know, Ronnie Pickering, the owner of Giles Autos.
RODNEY
Ronnie Pickering? Never heard of him.
DAMIEN
He bought that second hand car business off your mate, Dad.
DEL
Boycie.
DAMIEN
That’s him. That’s what I’d like to get into. Enough of all this jumble sale crap, floggin’ on street corners. He said he’s got a couple of old Jags for sale. They need a bit of work but he said we could double our money on ’em.
RODNEY
Half a lager, please, Sharon.
Rodney ogles Sharon’s cleavage. Rod looks at Del, Del licks his lips back at him.
DAMIEN (CONT’D)
(about the Jags)
They’re a lovely looking pair, Dad.
DEL
You can say that again, son.
RODNEY
Good god, Del. Make it any more obvious and you’d have a pair of binoculars round yer neck.
DEL
Like it, Damien. Whip a J cloth round ’em, change the oil, new filters, lovely jubbly. This time next Year, you’ll be a millionaire.
RODNEY
Oh Yeah. And what about me?
DEL
Er.. You as well, Rodney. Just don’t stop doing the lottery. Oh and this meeting we’re having. Well… Damien’s got something to say to you.
Rodney’d mobile rings… It’s “The Boss”
Rodney answers it away from Del and Damien. We cannot hear the conversation.
DAMIEN
Why me?
DEL
You’re the manager, Damie.
DAMIEN
Well, you were the creator. The Founder.
We HEAR Rodney shout “YES!” in the background. Del looks around thinking “dozy twonk” then continues.
DEL
Stone me, it’s always me who has to do the dirty work isn’t it?
RODNEY
I’m glad I ran into both of you tonight ‘cos I got something to say. That was Cass. I would have written a letter but when I did that last time with Alan it all went a bit pear-shaped. It’s like this you see…
DEL
Spit it out, Rodders.
RODNEY
Well, after nearly thirty years, Cassie has finally got her big promotion at the bank..
DEL
That’s wonderful news. Well done, Cassandra. She’s been trying…
RODNEY
Del. Things is.. It will bring a nice big salary into the house and.. Del… Damien… I’m going to… I’m going to resign from my position as Managing Director of Trotters Independent Traders.
DEL
(excited)
Yessss.
DAMIEN
(pleased)
Oh thank you, God.
RODNEY
(narked)
Don’t take the news too bad then, the pair of you.
DEL
It’s OK, Rodney. ‘Cos Damien wanted to give you the shove anyway and you’ve just saved him the bovver!
Scenes 15 onwards continues tomorrow in part 4