Camping Trip

From the writing pen of Brandon – Only Fools and Horses – Camping Trip
Del, Rodney and Albert all go on a camping trip away for the weekend. Whilst there, they forget where they left the van and get lost.

*OPENING TITLES*

INT – TROTTER’S FLAT – DAY
Del is messing about with some gear he bought whilst Rodney is reading a newspaper at the table and Albert is asleep on the settee.

DEL: Why won’t this bloody thing work?
RODNEY: What is it?
DEL: What dya’ mean, what is it? You came with me when I bought it!
RODNEY: Oh that, yeah, it”s not gonna’ work Del. I told you not to buy it when we were in the market.
DEL: Shut up Rodney.

Albert can be seen rising in the background from his sleep.

RODNEY: Look who’s finally awake.
DEL: Oh, you decided to get up did you Albert? You’ve been asleep all day on that settee you lazy old bark.
ALBERT: Sorry Del, had a bit too much in the Nag’s Head last night.
DEL: Oh yeah, how was the party then?
ALBERT: It was alright Son, old Elsie Partridge was there, she was telling me about how she’d been getting on.

Del isn’t listening.

RODNEY: So, instead of actually enjoying yourself Albert you sat there for hours talking to bloomin’ Elsie Partridge?
ALBERT: Well, she was buying the drinks so I had to keep talking to her.
DEL: You conning git!
ALBERT: Well I only went down with a score and we’ve had too many drinks on the slate. Mike was givin’ me the funny look when I was down there.
DEL: I keep telling Mike that I’ll pay him.
RODNEY: I’m sure you will Del.
DEL: Ah-ha! It’s working.

Albert and Rodney give Del a funny look.

ALBERT: You’re kidding?
DEL: Nope, look. These are going to sell like mad. This time next year Rodney we’ll be millionaires!
RODNEY: Make sure you actually test the rest first.
DEL: Well if this one works the rest are ‘bound to work Rodney.
RODNEY: Whatever you say Del, It’s just we’ve been conned more times than Trigger in the last month.
DEL: Yeah, mostly your fault. I mean the other week you came back with a box of toothbrushes. What in great heaven’s made you think they’d sell?
RODNEY: I sold some dint I?
DEL: Did ‘yah?
RODNEY: Yeah, to Trigger.

Del shakes his head.

ALBERT: What’s Trigger buying toothbrushes for?
RODNEY: Probably to brush his teeth Albert.
ALBERT: Yeah but I mean you only need one don’t ‘ya?
DEL: Remember, this is Trigger we’re talking about Albert.
ALBERT: Guess you’re right, Son. Want some brekky?
DEL: It’s the afternoon ‘Unc.
ALBERT: Suit yourself.

Albert walks in to the kitchen whilst Del and Rodney shake their heads.

*FADES OUT*

*FADES IN*

INT – NAG’S HEAD – NIGHT
Del, Rodney and Albert are sat at a table in the Nag’s Head.

DEL: Mike keeps givin’ me the funny look.
RODNEY: Probably ’cause you bought these on the slate again Del.
DEL: Well I can’t help it can I Rodders? We’re not exactly earning much dosh at the moment.
RODNEY: Which brings me to the next question of why you want us to go on this camping trip with you. Isn’t that just going to waste more money?
DEL: I just thought It’d be nice to get away from everything for a bit. I’ll go on my own if you want.
RODNEY: Fine.

Del gives Rodney a funny look.

DEL: Come on Rodders, it will be fun. We can take a nice stroll in the country and get away from the gas fumes of peckham. I’ve not smelt fresh air for years. Nor has Albert, look at him.
ALBERT: You better watch it son!

Del starts laughing.

DEL: So what you say ey?
RODNEY: Fine.
DEL: Haha you know it makes sense, I’ll go and get some more drinks to celebrate.
DEL (To Mike): MIKE! The same again please pal, on the slate!

Rodney and Albert look at eachother and shake their heads.

*FADES OUT*

*FADES IN*

INT – TROTTER’S FLAT – MORNING
Del can be seen strutting around the room, whilst Rodney and Albert are half asleep at the table.

DEL (Singing): Off camping we go, off camping we go! We’re going camping, off camping we go!
RODNEY: Did you really have to wake us up at six am Del?
DEL: Rise and shine Rodders, it’s time to witness the countryside.
ALBERT: I was out in the war for years, worse than the Countryside son, I’ve witnessed enough in my day.
DEL: You’ve not witnessed these Countryside’s Albert, the very best around and we’re going to ’em.
RODNEY: Where bout’s are they then Del?
DEL: Not too sure Rodders, we’ll find it though.
RODNEY: So you don’t even know where we’re going too? Terrific.
DEL: Stop whinging Rodney, ya’ know it’s a wonder I bring you with me sometimes.
RODNEY: I didn’t even wanna’ go, you made me!
DEL: Shut up and come on. We want to get there early.
RODNEY: Why?
DEL: So we can get there first.
RODNEY: You really think people are going to be there at this time Del?
DEL: Come on you two chop chop!

Del, Rodney and Albert leave the flat.

*FADES OUT*

*FADES IN*

INT – TROTTER’S VAN – MORNING
Rodney is uncomfortable in the back of the Van whilst Albert is fast asleep in the chair next to Del who is driving.

RODNEY: How long is it going to take now Del?
DEL: I don’t know Rodders, what are you moaning about now?
RODNEY: Well, how come I have to sit in this uncomfortable dirty space in the back of the van whilst Albert gets to sit there?
DEL: He’s older than you bruv!
RODNEY: So, can’t I just stick him here and take his seat?
DEL: Oh just shut up Rodders, we’ll be there soon.
RODNEY: How soon?
DEL: I don’t know, a couple of hours maybe.

Rodney sighs as he sits back in dis-comfort.

*FADES OUT*

 

*FADES IN*

INT – COUNTRYSIDE – MORNING
Rodney is fast asleep in the Van whilst Albert and Del get out and have a look around.

ALBERT: You were right Del, it’s nice out here!
DEL: I told you it would be ‘Unc, this is the finest Countryside in the world, you won’t find another one like it!
ALBERT: Is he awake yet?
DEL: Who?
ALBERT (Pointing to Rodney): Him!
DEL: I’ll go and wake him up now.

Del walks over to the van to wake up Rodney.

DEL: Rodders, RODDERS, Rodney you dozy little git! RODNEY.
RODNEY: What?
DEL: We’re here.
RODNEY: I can’t move Del.
DEL: What dy’a mean you can’t move?
RODNEY: I’ve been in the back of this van too long I feel like a bloody statue.
DEL: Stop being stupid Rodney, hurry up, we’re going for a countryside walk.
RODNEY: Already? Cosmic.

Del goes back over to Albert.

DEL: Come on Albert.
ALBERT: Where are we going?
DEL: We’re going for a walk around the countryside.
RODNEY: What about the van Del?
DEL: Oh, it will be alright here. Just make sure you remember where it is Rodney!
RODNEY: I will.

INT – COUNTYSIDE – DAY
Del, Rodney and Albert are walking through the countyside.

RODNEY: How long have we been walking now Del?
DEL: I don’t know Rodders, aren’t you enjoying it.
RODNEY: Can’t we stop for a minute and have something to eat?
DEL: Fair enough bruv, did you bring the food?
RODNEY: What food?
DEL: The food I brought. It was in the back of the van..wait, you’ve forgotten it haven’t you? You dozy little plonker Rodney!
RODNEY: Well I didn’t know did I?
DEL: I told you earlier that there was food in the back of the van and you completely ignored me didn’t you?
RODNEY: I was asleep Del.
DEL: WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN AWAKE!
ALBERT: Calm down you two, why don’t we just go back to the van?
DEL: Good idea ‘Unc, you remembered where it was didn’t you Rodney?
RODNEY: Ey?
DEL: The van, you remembered where it was?

Rodney looks confused.

DEL (Continued): You forgot didn’t you? Oh, you dozy little git Rodney, how the hell are we supposed to get back now?
RODNEY: Well maybe we dropped some bread on the way ey Del?
DEL: Don’t get sarky Rodney, this is all your fault. If you’d just rembered where we kept the van everything would have been fine.
RODNEY: Why do I always have to remember these things?
DEL: Well your the one with the GCSE’s in Maths and Art ain’t ya’!

Rodney shakes his head.

*FADES OUT*

*FADES IN*

INT – COUNTRYSIDE – EVENING
Del, Rodney and Albert have been walking for hours. It shows as they look exhausted.

ALBERT: Can we just stop a minute.
DEL: Yeah, I haven’t got a blinkin’ clue where we are right now.
RODNEY: The countryside Del.
DEL: I hate when you’re in this mood Rodney.
RODNEY: What mood?
ALBERT: Will you just two shut up a minute and let me think. During the war we’d get in to situations like this. We’d forget where our base camp was.
DEL: How the hell can you forget where your base camp is Albert?
ALBERT: Well the boys always relied on me to remember where we was going.
RODNEY: Oh, god.
DEL: You can’t say anything Rodney, you couldn’t even remember where the flamin’ van was!
RODNEY: Shut up Del!
ALBERT: Let me think, so, we walked this way, maybe we should get straight ahead.
RODNEY: Oh you think so ‘Unc? Of course we need to go straight ahead, left and right are cliffs and there’s no point going backwards is there?
DEL: I don’t believe him sometimes, really I don’t.

*FADES OUT*

*FADES IN*

INT – COUNTRYSIDE – NIGHT
Del, Rodney and Albert collapse on the floor and give up looking for the van. Little do they know the van is right beside them hid behind some bushes.

DEL: I guess we’re kipping here then.
RODNEY: It’s got to be around here somehwere, I remember being in this spot earlier.
DEL: What do you mean you remember this spot? It’s all the same Rodney, that’s why were lost!
ALBERT: I see it.
RODNEY: Albert’s losing it Del.
ALBERT: No, I see it, the van.
DEL: Where.
ALBERT: It’s right behind ya’ Del.
DEL: ALBERT YOU’RE A LIFESAVER.

They all rush to the van and open the back of the van only to find no food or drinks. Del looks at Rodney with an angry look.

DEL: You dozy little plonker Rodney!

*FADES OUT*

*FADES IN*

INT – TROTTER’S FLAT – NIGHT
Del, Rodney and Albert all walk in, Rodney collapses on the chair at the table whilst Del and Albert collapse on the settees.

RODNEY: Well that was a waste of time.
DEL: You didn’t enjoy it then bruv?
RODNEY: No I bloody didn’t!
ALBERT: Maybe we should go there another time Del.
DEL: You’ve got another thing coming, I’m never going to that place again!

*FADES OUT TO BLACK*

We hear Del shouting Rodney several times, until Rodney wakes up.

DEL: Wake up Rodders, we’re going to the countryside today remember.
RODNEY: NO DEL, NO. I’M NOT GOING DEL.
DEL: What’s up with you? You couldn’t wait to go yesterday.
RODNEY: I’M NOT GOING THERE DEL, YOU’LL GET LOST, TRUST ME.
DEL: Have you been on that funny stuff again Rodney? Albert! Check Rodney’s bedroom will ya’?

Albert comes out from the kitchen.

ALBERT: Why?
DEL: I think he’s been smoking that Rastafarian stuff again!
DEL (Continued): Off camping we go, off camping we go! We’re going camping, off camping we go!

Rodney screams.

*FADES OUT*

*END TITLES*