Deaf Wish is an Only Fools and Horses Fan script by Vin Hatcher
Based on characters by John Sullivan
SCENE 1
INT. Trotters’ flat, Nelson Mandela House
Grandad is asleep in chair. Two TVs are on but no one’s watching. Rodney is sitting on settee, looking at a men’s magazine Del walks in, goes to look at himself in mirror, to adjust his tie; he is going out for the evening
RODNEY You going out, Del?
DEL (tuts) No I’m getting ready to put the bin down the chute! Course I’m going out!
RODNEY Oh
DEL (whispers) Anyway, keep your voice down, you might wake Grandad
RODNEY Wake him up! He’s dead to the world, he is. You’d need an atomic
bomb blast to wake him up!
DEL Yeah, well, be considerate to your grandad, Rodney
RODNEY Honestly, Del, he don’t hear nothing when he’s snoozing; in fact he
don’t hear nothing when he’s awake!
DEL Yeah, he is getting a bit mutt’n these days inn ‘e?
RODNEY A bit mutt’n? It’s like talking to Trigger, sometimes, the response you get out of him
DEL Yeah, bless him, it’s probably earwax causing it?
RODNEY Earwax? If it is, then he’s got more wax in that head of ‘is than they got down Madame Tussauds!
DEL Aah, poor old soul. Do you know what? I think I’ll have a word with Monkey Harris. He might be able to flog me something to help him; one of them deaf-aids or something?
RODNEY Derek, he should see an audiologist
DEL An audi…what? He’s not dying, Rodney!
RODNEY No, an audiologist, a hearing doctor, someone…. qualified
DEL Oh right. No, no need for that. I’ll get him something, don’t you worry
Rodney….’Ere…I’ve got an idea…. let’s see how bad he really is? Turn them
tellies off, see if he notices?
Rodney turns both TV’s off. Grandad carries on snoozing.
DEL Blimey, nothing! He’s away with the fairies!
RODNEY Told ya
DEL Alright, Rodders, I’m off down the Berni Inn now. I’m having a Steak du
Jour, tonight
RODNEY Oh yeah,who with?
DEL A right tasty sort from over Desmond Tutu House
RODNEY Oh, what’s her name?
DEL (enthusiastically) Tracy, with a ‘y’
RODNEY She sounds stylish, Del
DEL Bonnet de douche, Rodders, Bonnet de douche! (kisses his fingers in
gesture)
RODNEY Well, have a good night
DEL Cheers! Right, see you later…..’ere, whose is this Tenner on the table? (points to a £10 note on the dining table)
GRANDAD It’s mine!
DEL (looks around the room, bemused) Who said that?
(Grandad looks like he’s still sleeping)
DEL Is it yours, Rodders?
GRANDAD It’s mine!
DEL Rodney, you said that without moving your lips!
RODNEY That weren’t me, Del, that was Grandad
DEL Oh you ‘eard that alright, then? That’s your tenner there, is it?
(Grandad opens one eye)
GRANDAD You leave that alone. I need that for the morning.
DEL Alright, don’t worry. I ain’t taking it. I just wondered whose it was, that was all
GRANDAD Eh?
DEL I said I just wondered whose…
GRANDAD Eh?
DEL Oh, ‘ere we go again…
DEL (to Rodney) I really must see Monkey, tomorrow, about that deaf-aid.
DEL Ta-la, Grandad, I’m off out
GRANDAD Eh?
DEL (louder) Never mind! (to Rodney) See you later. Look after the deaf old coot, will ya?
RODNEY Yeah, course, see you Del
SCENE 2.
Next day, lunchtime
INT Nag’s Head Mike at bar, a few regulars around. Del enters
DEL Alright, Mike? How’s things?
MIKE Not bad, Del. How are you?
DEL Creme Brulee, Mike, Creme Brulee, as they say
MIKE Do they?
DEL Yeah. Tell you what, I just had some right results. I’m now dealing in top-of- the-range Betamax video recorders
MIKE Video recorders, eh? I’d like one of them, meself, Del. I was thinking
of going to the High Street this weekend to buy one
DEL Nah, you don’t want to do that, Mike. Stick with me. I’ll see you right.
I’ve a very reputable supplier in the wholesale trade who does me a very good deal, enabling me to sell to my customers at knock-down bargain prices
MIKE Great. When can you get me one then?
DEL Well, as it happens, Denzil’s firm is doing another delivery up West, this afternoon, so I should be able to get you one for tomorrow!
MIKE Nice one. Thanks, Del
DEL Well I think I’ll have a quick Creme de Menthe and one of your steak and kidney pies, Mike. Then I must shoot off; gotta see a man about a hearing aid
MIKE Hearing aid? You going a bit Mutt’n Jeff, Del?
DEL No, not me, it’s for Grandad. He’s deaf as a post, these days. He’s driving us all potty at home, y’ know?
MIKE Oh dear, sorry to hear that, Del
DEL Well at least you could hear it, Mike, which is more than he can do these days!
(They both laugh. Del takes a swig of drink)
SCENE 3
Trotters’ flat. That evening
INT. (Del, Rodney and Grandad have just had dinner. Grandad is wearing his hearing aid; he is clearing away the plates)
DEL Thanks, Grandad, for another splendid plate of… er…er… whatever that was? Lovely Jubbly!
GRANDAD Eh?
DEL (to Rodney) Oh, gawd, ‘ere we go again. I’m sure he just cops a deaf’un on purpose, sometimes
RODNEY Turn it on (points)
GRANDAD Eh?
RODNEY (gesturing) Turn… on… your.. (points to it)… hearing… aid
(Grandad puts down plate and switches it on)
GRANDAD Alright, Rodney, I might be going a bit deaf but I ain’t bleedin’ stupid!
RODNEY Well, why don’t you keep it switched on, then?
GRANDAD Well, I’m saving the battery, int’I?
DEL Well don’t worry about that, you silly old sod, just keep it on all
the time so we can… you know… comoonicate!
GRANDAD Alright, Del, I will
(Grandad exits to kitchen with the plates)
DEL (to Rodney) I don’t believe him, sometimes, I really don’t believe him! (tuts)
Anyway, I must be off out, now. Second date with ‘Tracy’ (shrugs neck in Del-boy style)
RODNEY With a ‘y’?
DEL Yes, that’s her
RODNEY It must be love?
DEL You never know, bruv, you just never know
RODNEY Wedding bells?
DEL I don’t know about that. Her husband might have a few objections!
RODNEY You take the biscuit, you do, Del. You don’t have take some chances
DEL ‘E who dares wins, Rodders!
RODNEY Oh, by the way, I’ve got Mickey and Jevon coming round tonight. We’re going to watch a video. You don’t mind if we use the Betamax do yer?
DEL No, that’s fine. As long as you’re careful with it? I might have a buyer for that one, soon. I promised it to a mate of Boycie’s. He’s after a nice Betamax video recorder. If the price is right, he’ll have it.
RODNEY Ok, t’riffic, thanks
DEL ‘Ere what film you watching?
RODNEY Oh, Death Wish 2. We borrowed it from the video shop
DEL Not one of them ‘vigilante’ films?
RODNEY That’s right
DEL Well, don’t go upsetting Grandad will yer? He might not want to see all that violence on the tellies
RODNEY Well, if he don’t, he can just go straight to bed can’t he?
DEL Alright, alright. Stay lucky (puts on coat) (shouts) Ta-la, Grandad!
GRANDAD (from kitchen) Ok, Del. Ta-la, have a good evening!
DEL Blimey, he heard me! Told you ‘e didn’t need no gynaecologist
RODNEY No…audiolo.. oh…never mind… it don’t matter. Have a good night
SCENE 4
INT. Trotters’ flat
(Slightly later in the evening. Rodney, Mickey and Jevon are sitting watching the Death Wish 2 video. Grandad is also there, reading the newspaper, quietly)
RODNEY (to Mickey) Oh, what’s he going to do with that monkey wrench?
MICKEY Whack the bad guy, I suppose, Rodney
JEVON Yeah, give him what for, eh?
(Dramatic music from TV, tension is building……Suddenly the TV’s both switch channels. We now hear the sound of Bruce Forsyth talking, chirpily, “Nice to see you, to see you, Nice!”)
MICKEY Oh no! Who did that?!
RODNEY I dunno, do I! Switch ‘em back!
(Jevon switches the channels back to the film. Dramatic music continues… TV’s suddenly change back to Bruce Forsyth, again, “Didn’t he do well?”
RODNEY What’s going on?
MICKEY Quick, switch ‘em back, switch ‘em back!
(Rodney switches the channels back)
JEVON It’s probably that poxy video recorder of Del-Boy’s. Maybe it got
damaged when it fell off the lorry?
RODNEY No, it ain’t hookie! Del told me. It’s just surplus stock
MICKEY Ain’t hookie? If that ain’t hookie, then Jevon’s mum’s a virgin!
(Dramatic music continues…. TV’s change channels again, this time to
The News, “And now an article on rising levels of violence in the South London area”)
JEVON Oh for god’s sake! Is someone sitting on the remote controls?
(Jevon switches the channels back)
RODNEY Remote controls? Those tellies ain’t even got remote controls. Remote control weren’t invented when they were made!
(The TV’s quickly switch over to Bruce Forsyth, again)
MICKEY It was ‘im!
RODNEY Who?
MICKEY Your grandad! ‘E turned up his hearing aid and the channels flipped
RODNEY Nah!
MICKEY Yes, look
(Grandad adjusts the volume knob and the TV’s flick channels, again, back to the News)
RODNEY Grandad!
GRANDAD What is it?
RODNEY You’re ruining the film!
GRANDAD All I’m doing is reading the newspaper
RODNEY You’re not! You’re turning the volume up on your hearing aid
GRANDAD Well… it was whistling… I don’t like hearing whistling
RODNEY And we don’t like the TV’s switching over halfway through the film, you silly old twonk!
GRANDAD Don’t you talk to me like that, you saucy little sod!
(Grandad stands up, affronted)
GRANDAD I’m going to me bed!
RODNEY Good!
(Grandad exits to bedroom)
MICKEY Thank God for that
(Jevon puts the film back on)
RODNEY I knew Del shoulda gone to a qualified doctor about his ears
JEVON Shhhh!
(They all continue to watch the film; this time without any interruptions)
SCENE 5
INT. Trotters flat.
(Next day. Breakfast. Rodney and Del are eating at table. Del has a newspaper)
RODNEY Great film last night, Del
DEL Yeah?
RODNEY That Charles Bronson, he sorted out all the bad guys good and
proper, you know?
DEL Did he?
RODNEY We could do with someone like him on this estate
DEL Yeah, that’s true, it would stop some of the trouble we seem to get ‘round ‘ere wouldn’t it? Shame it’s only a film, eh?
RODNEY Well me, Mickey and Jevon was thinking of forming a group
DEL What, a pop group, like?
RODNEY No, a vigilante group
DEL Do what?!
RODNEY Yeah, people round here need protection!
DEL And how are you bunch of wally-brains gonna do that, then?
RODNEY Oh, we got ways, Del, we got ways
DEL You shouldn’t act hard, Rodney, if you’re not hard. You could get yourselves into some serious shtuck! You lot are about as hard as a bag of jelly babies!
RODNEY Yeah? Well, we’ll see, Del. We’re deadly serious about this idea
DEL Well I wouldn’t advise it, Rodney, you might get hurt. This is Peckham, not Purley, you know!
RODNEY Don’t worry about us, Del, we can take care of ourselves
DEL Dear, oh dear (shakes head) Right. I really must go. Can’t chat all morning. Gotta see Boycie’s mate about that video recorder. He’s ready with the readies. I’ll take it with me. (He unplugs the machine, puts on coat and then exits through main door)
(Rodney is daydreaming about Charles Bronson and is punching his fist slowly into his palm)
SCENE 6
EXT. Peckham estate. Evening. Dark.
(Grandad is walking along, carrying a plastic shopping bag. There are two
youngish men standing, leaning against the wall. They are well built, tough
looking)
MUGGER 1 Oi, grandad, what’s in the bag?
GRANDAD Eh?
MUGGER 2 He said, what’s in the bag?
GRANDAD I’ll switch this on (he switches on hearing aid) What do you want?
MUGGER 2 We said what’s in the bag?
GRANDAD None of your business!
MUGGER 1 It is now. Give me the bag!
MUGGER 2 Give him the bag, Grandad or there’’ll be trouble! (reaches for the bag)
GRANDAD No!
(From behind a wall Rodney appears in a leather jacket, hair greased back,
chewing gum, carrying a bicycle chain)
RODNEY If there’s going to be any trouble… We’ll be making it!
MUGGER 1 Oh yeah? You and who else?
(From behind the bins appears Mickey and then Jevon. Mickey has a spanner,Jevon has a knuckle duster)
MICKEY Us. That’s who!
JEVON Yeah, we’re the Peckham Patrol!
MUGGER 2 Vigilantes?
RODNEY Yeah, if you like? (Acts hard, swinging bike chain)
MUGGER 1 You think you’re hard do ya?
MICKEY Yeah! I wouldn’t mess with us, if I was you (Starts swinging spanner)
RODNEY Come on, Grandad, you’re safe now (Pulls Grandad away from the
muggers)
GRANDAD Be careful, Rodney!
MUGGER 1 Yeah, be careful… ‘Rodney’, you might get hurt. In fact…it’s a dead cert! (Pulls out a large knife from inside his jacket)
(Rodney’s expression turns from tough guy to wide-eyed horror)
RODNEY Quick! Run!
(Rodney, Grandad, Mickey and Jevon turn and start to run. The muggers make chase)
(Grandad is running as fast as he can)
RODNEY Faster! Faster!
GRANDAD I can’t!
(The muggers are gaining on them)
JEVON Look! A shopping trolley!
MICKEY Quick! Bung him in that!
(The group bundle Grandad into the abandoned shopping trolley. They
furiously push it along, at a rate of knots)
(Grandad has a worried expression throughout)
JEVON Faster! Faster!
(The group manage to get back to the front of Nelson Mandela House)
(The muggers stop, give up chase and reluctantly turn to leave)
MUGGER 2 (shouts after them) You were lucky this time!
SCENE 7
INT. Trotters’ flat.
(A little later that evening. Front room. Rodney is slumped in the armchair,
looking dishevelled)
(Del enters, a confused look appears on his face)
DEL Rodney, what is that shopping trolley doing in our front room?
RODNEY Oh, it was ‘orrible, Del! We tried to protect Grandad… well we did
protect him… but we had to leg it. There were these two ‘orrible blokes with a knife
DEL Oh, I see… you alright?
RODNEY Alright now, yeah
DEL Good. And Grandad?
RODNEY Yeah, he’s alright. Sleeping it off. He was quite frightened by it all
DEL You see, Rodney, it’s not worth it. I’m not keen on the old Bill, but things
like muggers are best left to them. Violence breeds violence
RODNEY Yeah… you’re right… as usual, Del…you’re right
DEL Yeah, well… all’s well that ends well. So, you’re giving up this ‘vigilante’
idea?
RODNEY Oh yeah, we’ll stick to just watching it on telly
DEL Good, ‘cos TV and real life are two different things
RODNEY Yeah
DEL What were they after?
RODNEY After?
DEL Yeah, what did Grandad have that they wanted so bad?
RODNEY Oh, in that carrier bag over there
(Del looks in the bag)
DEL Is that it? A bottle of Bell’s and a box of Black Magic? You lot risked your lives for that? (tuts) It’s hardly worth it, is it?
RODNEY Yeah, I know. Sorry. I think I’ll go off to bed now. I need a rest
DEL Ok, Rodders. Yeah… you do that… night!
(Rodney turns towards bedroom)
DEL Oh, what did they look like… these muggers?
RODNEY One of ‘em was about 6 foot, scar on his cheek, star tattoo on his ear
DEL Oh, I know him. That’s my Tracy’s son, Wayne. He still lives at ‘er place.
Right ‘orrible thug he is, Don’t take after his father, thank God, who is actually quite a nice bloke, as it goes
RODNEY Oh, small world innit?
DEL It is round Peckham, yeah. Well, not to worry, it’s all over now. G’night, bruv
RODNEY Yeah, night, bruv!
(Rodney exits to bedroom)
(Del pours himself a drink)
(Del goes to phone, picks up receiver and dials)
DEL Hello? Denzil? ‘Ere, are your brothers all in Peckham at the moment?…
They are? Oh, they’re all round your gaff, right now? T’riffic. Listen, I got a bit of business to deal with tonight and I could do with your help, if you know what I mean?… You can? Great. Meet me in half an hour at the front entrance to Desmond Tutu House. Thanks, Denzil.
(Del puts down receiver)
DEL (to himself) Well, Tracy, you may not like me so much, after tonight, but family is family; and my family must always come first!
(End credits roll)
