ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES

(A Script by Pete Rigby) click here for part 1

“They think it’s all Over part 2”

Scene 4
INT. THE NAG’S HEAD PUBLIC HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

Del enters the pub wearing a suit. Mike, the landlord, is stood behind the bar. A barmaid is struggling with one of the pumps behind the bar whilst watching tennis on the TV screen above Del’s head. So begins a ‘wires crossed’ conversation.

DEL: That’s faulty, love.

The Barmaid thinks Del is talking about the tennis. I.e. 40-0

BARMAID: It’s deuce.

Del thinks the barmaid is talking about the pump. I.e. juice

DEL: I’ll have a Guinness and soda water then.

Del sits at a table. He opens up the Racing Post and starts writing out a bet. Trigger enters the pub.

TRIGGER: Alright Del?

DEL: Alright Trig, I didn’t see you there. What are you drinking?

TRIGGER: I’ll have a pint please Del.

DEL: A pint of lager for Trigger please Mike. And one for yourself.

MIKE: OK Del. Cheers. We’re right out of pint glasses Trig, are you alright with 2 halves?

TRIGGER: Best not Mike, I’m driving. I don’t want to be over the limit.

Del and Mike stare in disbelief.

MIKE: I’ll bring it over.

Trigger takes a seat at Del’s table. Del continues writing out his bet.

TRIGGER: What are you doing there Del?

DEL: I’m doing me tax returns. What’s it look like I’m bloody doing? I’m writing out a bet ain’t I?

TRIGGER: Oh.

Mike brings the half pint over and puts in on the table. He looks at Del studying form.

MIKE: Mug’s game, gambling. Do you bet Trig?

TRIGGER: Yeh.

Mike stares at Del.

MIKE: I don’t know why I asked.

Del gives Mike a fiver. Mike returns to his position behind the bar.

TRIGGER: I prefer ‘Spot the Ball’.

DEL: ‘Spot the Ball’? Is that still going?

TRIGGER: Yes. Not many people do it now. That’s why the odds of winning are better than the lottery.

DEL: Really Trig?

TRIGGER: Yes. My uncle does ‘Spot the Ball’. He has found a winning formula.

Del looks up; suddenly interested.

DEL: Tell me more Trig.

TRIGGER: He uses a pin.

DEL: A pin?

TRIGGER: That’s right.

DEL: What, so he can precisely pinpoint where it is?

TRIGGER: No. He pushes the pin through the coupon until he hears a hissing sound.

DEL: A hissing sound?

TRIGGER: Yes. And when he hears the hissing sound, he knows he’s burst the ball.

DEL: And has your uncle ever won?

TRIGGER: No.

DEL: I thought not.

Del returns to his Racing Post.

TRIGGER: Oh, before I forget, Dave said a man called for you.

DEL: Who?

TRIGGER: A bloke called Bobby. He left his number. He wants you to call him.

Trigger gives Del a scrap of paper containing Bobby’s telephone number.

DEL: Bobby Rampling, eh! Blimey I haven’t seen him in years. What’s he want?

TRIGGER: He didn’t say.

DEL: Ok. Thanks Trig.

TRIGGER: Well, that was all I came in here for. I’d best be off. Oh, did you meet your supplier Del?

DEL: Nah, she just called me to say she’s running late. She should be here in a bit.

TRIGGER: Right. I’ll leave you to it.

DEL: Ok. I’ll see you later.

Trigger gets up and leaves the pub just as Belinda, the supplier, enters. She is attractive and knows it. She is dressed in an expensive business suit. And she’s posh.

BELINDA: Mr. Trotter?

Del looks up.

DEL: Who wants to know?

BELINDA: I’m Belinda Ravenscroft.

DEL: Oh I beg your pardon. Sorry. Please, call me Del.

Del shakes Belinda’s hand.

DEL: Right, let me get you a drink.

BELINDA: I’ll have a dry white wine please Del.

DEL: Coming straight up.

Belinda sits down and takes a brochure from her briefcase and places it on the table. Del returns from the bar with Belinda’s drink.

DEL: There you go, get that down your Gregory.

BELINDA: Thank-you.

DEL: I must say, I was looking at your price-list and your stock appears to be of very high quality at very reasonable prices. How do you sell it so cheap?

BELINDA: I buy in bulk. And I sell in bulk. It’s that same old rule. The more you buy the cheaper it is.

DEL: Cor, I bet your manager is proud of you?

BELINDA: Oh no Mr. Trotter, you don’t understand. I own the company. I’ve built it up over 10 years. I now have contacts in the exporting trade all over the world. It’s built on trust. And cash in hand of course.

DEL: Well, of course.

BELINDA: This is our brochure for our new stock in your, let’s say, price-range.

DEL: Ahh, thanks very much Belinda.

BELINDA: As you can see, if you take advantage of our offer and place an order over £2,000, you will receive a £100 discount on your next order. Plus other fringe benefits.

Belinda smiles at Del. Del gets flustered. As usual, Del reads the situation incorrectly and thinks Belinda is flirting with him.

DEL: Well, that sounds lovely Belinda. Can I get you another drink?

BELINDA: Just a diet coke, I’m watching my figure.

DEL: Me too. I think I’ll join you.

Belinda gives Del a dirty look. He doesn’t see. Del returns with 1 glass of coke and 2 straws.

BELINDA: (whispers) Oh hell.

Scene 5
INT. PUB. AFTERNOON. 10 MINUTES LATER

BELINDA: Right, I really must be going.

DEL: Is that the time? Yes, me too. Doesn’t time fly when you’re enjoying yourself?

BELINDA: (under her breath) Does it? I wouldn’t know.

Part 3 here tomorrow