Only Fools and Horses Originally By John Sullivan
Episode year – Summer of 1992. (part 1 here) (part 2 here) (part 3 here) (part 4 here)
‘All You Need Is Bruv.’ part 5 (final part)
SCENE 13 – AT THE BEACH, BARCELONA.
(Del, Rodney, Mickey, Jevon and Mickey Senior sunbathing)
DEL:
This is the life, innit, Rodney? I managed to sell all them CB’s. Including Wondo’s consignment of watches, portable CD players too.
RODNEY:
Where and how exactly did you get access to all of this hookie gear?
DEL:
Use your Hovis, Rodney.
RODNEY:
Hovis?
DEL:
Yeah, Hovis. Your loaf! Anyway, I met him at this spic drinking club he knows. Actually quite a friendly bloke. He recommended me a few places we can goto. You chaps up for a spot of local culture?
MICKEY:
What do you have in mind, Del?
DEL:
I’ve got tickets to the bull fighting. Only ten potatius! Bargain!
MICKEY SENIOR:
You mean pesetas?
DEL:
That’s what I said.
RODNEY:
Bull fighting? I do not believe you. You expect me, a vegetarian to watch some Spanish yobo’s teasing and humiliating those creatures? No thank you.
DEL:
What are you on about, you dipstick? Just because you’re vegetarian, doesn’t mean they’ll eat the bloody things. It’s just a bit of light entertainment. They don’t get any harm done to them.
RODNEY:
I am not going. Anyway, we fancied watching the football. There’s a match on this afternoon.
DEL:
Alright, Rodney. Whatever you say. Who’s playing?
MICKEY:
Barcelona.
DEL:
I know that! Bloody hell, I meant who against?
RODNEY:
Some Spanish team I think. Not sure.
DEL:
Well, thank you Des Lynham!
(We see a bloke walking by with a carrier bag, trying to sell food and drink goods)
LOCAL SALESMAN:
You want drink?
DEL:
What have you got, Won?
LOCAL SALESMAN:
I have beer, drink, crisp..
DEL:
You got any penocolada’s?
RODNEY:
Derrick! No thank you, we’re alright for drinks.
DEL:
Well thank you very much, bruv. What did you say that for? I’m well parched.
RODNEY:
They’ll be another one along in a minute.
DEL:
‘Another one along in a minute’? It’s a drink I need not the 217 to Madrid! Here you are, look. There’s some mush coming along now, look.
LOCAL SALESPERSON 2:
Ola. English? I have tickets for game. You want buy?
JEVON:
Not for me. I’ve got my eyes set on that lovely behind over there. Her bra has got my name written all over it.
MICKEY:
I’ll have some of that!
RODNEY:
God! You two are like sperm on steroids.
DEL:
How much, Jon?
LOCAL SALESPERSON 2:
My name is Leondre, not Jon.
DEL:
Whatever, Leon. How much?
LOCAL SALESPERSON 2:
Only five pesetas each.
RODNEY:
What tickets are these for?
DEL:
What are you on about, Rodney? Use your noddle. He said for the game didn’t he?
RODNEY:
He didn’t say which game, Del.
DEL:
You have to question absolutely everything, Rodney. I dunno. You come on yer holidays to take in the local culture, and all you do is spoil the mood. Just trust me on this one, it’ll be a right laugh!
SCENE 14. CUT TO A LOCAL FOOTBALL MATCH AT A VERY SMALL STADIUM, NEXT TO A CHICKEN FARM. CLEARLY, THE BOYS HAVE BEEN MIS-SOLD TICKETS TO A LOCAL FOOTBALL MATCH, RATHER THAN THE ANTICIPATED BARCELONA MATCH TICKETS THEY WERE AFTER.
DEL:
This is all we bloody need.
RODNEY:
You bought the tickets. As per usual, it’s no questions asked with you, is it?
DEL:
That’s because ‘he who dares, wins’ Rodney. You do not turn down tickets as cheap as these to watch a bit of footy! It takes me back to my youthful days when I was the school captain.
RODNEY:
You? School captain?
DEL:
Yes! Me. Cheeky little bark. Nah, they don’t play the beautiful game like what we used to. Ain’t that right Micky Senior?
MICKEY SENIOR:
You’re right there, Del.
RODNEY:
I should hope you did play better than this lot. Look at them, look. They look like they’re all playing with two left feet.
MICKEY:
A bit like how Chelsea play then, Rodney!
*Disapproved look from Rodney*
THE REFEREE SUDDENLY BLOWS HIS WHISTLE, AND JOGS TOWARDS DEL AND THE OTHERS.
REF:
Ustedes! ¿Podría intervenir y hacer bulto?
DEL:
What’s that you say, Jon?
REF:
Ingles?
DEL:
We don’t speak the local lingo, pal. What’s he sayin’, Rodney?
RODNEY:
We, I mean, I speak English. English?
REF:
Ah! I see. No problem. We need players. Can you play?
AT THIS POINT, DEL BOY LOOKS TO EACH OF THE OTHERS, PUFFS HIS CIGAR AND APPROACHES THE REF.
DEL:
Jon, if you want players, you can have players. Come on boys, let’s get out there.
MICKEY SENIOR:
Not me, Del. I’ll collapse.
DEL:
Rodders? Come on, look. It’s just a bit of fun!
RODNEY:
Del, they’ll break our legs! They look as if they work for the Spanish Armada.
DEL:
Spanish Armada? What are you going on about you dipstick? I don’t see what the make of their clothes has got to do with anything.
RODNEY:
Armani, Del! Not Armada! Nevermind. All I am saying is that no way will you find me playing against any of that horrible looking lot. No way my son.
THE NEXT SCENE, WE SEE RODNEY IN GOAL, LOOKING TERRIFIED.
RODNEY:
(Rodney whispers across to Del)
Bastard!
DEL:
Come on, Rodney! Put some back muscle in would ya! Even Mickey Seniors breaking a sweat.
CUT TO MICKEY SENIOR LEAD ON THE SIDELINE, WITH A BLEEDING LIP. MEANWHILE, MICKEY IS SEEN RUNNING WITH THE BALL.
DEL:
Mickey! Over ‘ere! Come on you soft sod! I’m open! Ohh! You stupid little burk. You lost it now!
MICKEY:
Oi, watch it! Us English can put in a tackle as well you know!
OPPONENT:
Ha ha ha! English woman!
MICKEY:
Sorry, Del! It weren’t my fault!
DEL:
Oh really? Who’s was it then? Peter Beardsley’s?!
RODNEY SUDDENLY GETS BATTERED TO THE FLOOR BY ONE OF THE OPPONENTS, AND APPEARS UNCONCIOUS. DEL REACTS TO THE INCIDENT.
DEL:
Oi! Pedro! Just who do you think you are, eh? Vinnie Jones’ twin? What sort of challenge is that, ref? Ere, Rodders, wake up you dipstick!
RODNEY:
I can’t see, Del! I think I’ve broken me ribs.
DEL:
Come on, ref. Send him off. Oi, Fernando! You wanna try that again son, do ya?!
REF:
Please! Calm down! Bloody English fools!
DEL GETS IN TO A SCRAP WITH A COUPLE OF THE PLAYERS, WHILE WE SEE MICKEY PEARCE WALKING OFF THE PITCH.
SCENE 15 – INT – LOCAL POLICE STATION – SOMEWHERE IN BARCELONA. DEL IS LOCKED UP IN A CELL AND NOTICES A FAMILIUR FACE IN THE NEXT CELL BLOCK ALONG ONCE HE’S HAD A CHAT WITH THE PRISON WARDON.
DEL:
Oi, Won. Why couldn’t you put me a in bigger cell. I can hardly breathe in ‘ere.
WARDON:
The only other cell that was free before you arrived is used by that gentleman over there.
DEL:
What was he done for?
WARDON:
I can’t say too much. But it involves how you say ‘sexual harassment’.
DEL STEPS TOWARDS THE PRISON BARS AND SHOUTS OUT TOWARDS THE OTHER PERON OCCUPIYNIG THE BIGGER CELL.
DEL:
Jevon? Is that you?
JEVON:
Del Boy! What are you doing here?
DEL:
What am I doing here? Checking in for the night! What does it look like! I’ve been banged up, haven’ I. All because of that dozy little twonk, Rodney. What mess have you got yourself into then son?
JEVON:
Nothing Del, honest. These Spanish women are a bit feisty, aren’t they? All I did was ask a bird out on a date.
DEL:
What happened?
JEVON:
She was a police woman!
DEL:
Gordon Bennet! You better speak to young Rodders about dating police women. The last time he tried that, I was preparing for a house move!
JEVON:
Where to?
DEL:
Parkhurst!
DEL:
Aint it marvellous, eh? How could Rodney get me in to this mess?
JEVON:
What did he do?
DEL:
We was playing football with these other Spanish lads. Some so-called friendly game. And that dipstick goes and gets a clattering. I’ve seen less blood on Terry Butcher! He took a bit of a hammering.
THE WARDON AT THIS POINT WALKS OFF, AWAY FROM DEL AND JEVON
DEL:
Listen, Jevon. We’ve gotta get out of here. Our plane leaves tonight.
JEVON:
How are supposed to get out of here? We’re locked up. What do you suggest we do? Escape.
DEL:
It’s a good plan young Jevon. I’m not ready to retire out in the sun just yet. I want to get back to good old blighty. Where the weather is grim and the grub is well, how can I describe it? Have you ever had one of Mike’s pork pies?
CUT TO RODNEY, MICKEY SENIOR AND MICKEY. THEY’RE AT THE RECEPTION.
RODNEY:
Thank you officer. It won’t happen again. Can I see my brother now?
OFFICER:
Yes, step this way.
THE PRISON WARDON RELEASES DEL AND APPROACHES JEVON
WARDON:
Your friend here has saved your asses! He pays your fine and you are free to go. Both you and Hugh Grant. (Pointing towards Jevon)
DEL:
Eh? Who?
RODNEY:
Del Boy!
DEL:
There you are! You little burke. Do you know how long I’ve been in here for??
RODNEY:
Not as long as Jevon was.
DEL:
Let’s just get out of here. Thank gawd I made a bit of bunce on those CB radios. Did you pick up my wallet?
RODNEY:
Um, yeah. Here you are, Del.
DEL:
Oi! I had over 300 sobs in here. What have you done with it?
RODNEY:
Where do you think I got the money to bail you from? Rockefella?
DEL LOOKS DEVISTATED THAT HE’S LOST ALL HIS MONEY.
SCENE 16 – CUT TO THE AIRPORT, BARCELONA. THE BOYS ARE SEEN WALKING TOWARDS THEIR TERMINAL, AND SEEM EXHAUSTED. THE SCENE ENDS HERE, WITH THE SOME MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND, LEADING TO THE END CREDITS.
DEL:
Well, that’s the last time I go on an ‘oliday with you, Rodders.
RODNEY:
The last time you go on a holiday with me? You cheeky bastard!
DEL:
Oi, oi! You’ll get us locked up again with your aggressive language!
RODNEY:
If you remember, Derrick, it was you who decided to come with us. I wanted a peaceful holiday!
DEL:
But you did have a peaceful holiday! You went to Barcelona!
RODNEY
:
Yeah! What a peaceful holiday that was! Spending time in a hospital bed sleeping off the concussion and playing jail break with you and Jevon!
DEL:
Now, it is not my fault that you have all the strength of a stick insect. I’ve told you before, neck a couple burger buns and Chinese takeaways, you’ll be the next Paul Gascoigne!
THE BOYS WALK PAST THE ‘ANYTHING TO DECLARE’ SECTION’. WE SEE A BOX FULL OF CB RADIOS THAT DEL HAD SOLD PREVIOUSLY.
THE END.
Marvelous! I loved it!