Only Fools and Horses Fan script : LEAD, KINDLY LIGHT

Fools and Horses Fan script Christmas Special by Vin Hatcher

Based on characters by John Sullivan
In tribute to Lennard Pearce

Setting: Christmas 1984
EXT. SCENE 1 PECKHAM MARKETPLACE

DEL Come along, ladies and gentlemen time to get a last minute Christmas Eve bargain. Imagine the look on your little ‘uns faces when they wake up tomorrow morning and open their presents to find one of these top quality, officially licensed toys. ‘Danger mouse in his special spy car’ (crowd groan at the sight of the toys on display)
MAN IN CROWD That ain’t Dangermouse!
DEL Yes it is. I got them from a reputable supplier
RODNEY (whispers) Del
(Pulls Del’s arm)
DEL What is it? Can’t you see I’m busy?
(Rodney beckons him to one side)
RODNEY Del, you are never going to sell those as ‘Dangermouse’ toys
DEL Why not?
RODNEY They don’t look nothing like him!
DEL Yes they do. I caught you watching it the other day. A little mouse thing with a funny voice, driving a car
RODNEY Yes, but this looks nothing like it. You’ve just shoved some of those
fluffy toy mice you got off Paddy the Greek into some cheap plastic toy cars
DEL They’re not cheap, they’re British made
RODNEY They are made in Hong Kong
DEL Well…ok, Hong Kong quality, then
RODNEY They are cheap rubbish. The wheels keep falling off!
DEL Well our van ain’t got four wheels, Rodney, but it’s still perfectly useable!
RODNEY Well, you can’t advertise em like that. I know you come up with some whoppers sometimes, Del… well… most of the time, but this wouldn’t be fair to the kids. They know Dangermouse and this ain’t him. These look more like those horror scenes from Tales of the Riverbank
DEL Horror scenes?
RODNEY Yeah, you know where Hammy the hamster comes flying down a hill at 100mph bungee’d to a toy Jeep!
DEL (laughs) That’s a shame cos I was hoping to do the same thing with all those cuddly frogs in the garage. I was gonna advertise them as Toad of Toad Hall
RODNEY Toad of Toad Hall? That was written at the turn of the century; he did not drive around in a bright red Datsun!

DEL Alright, alright, dopey, don’t worry. I can change me patter if it makes you feel better?
RODNEY Good (Del shakes his head and returns to fly pitch)
DEL (to himself) I don’t know, what’s he like? Come on, ladies and gents, grab yourself a Christmas bargain here we have Danger…er…(looks at a concerned Rodney) …Batmouse in his Batmouse-mobile!
(Rodney rolls his eyes)

INT. SCENE 2 TROTTERS’ FLAT NELSON MANDELA HOUSE

Christmas Morning
(Grandad sits in his arm-chair watching two TVs. Rodney is eating Quality Street for breakfast in pyjamas at table. Del comes in, in a daze, wearing a leopard skin dressing gown)
RODNEY Alright, Del?
DEL Gawd! I’ve got a splitting headache, Rodders (groans)
RODNEY Yeah, that was a blinding night down the 121 club weren’t it, Del?
DEL Yeah, triffic bruv. You ain’t done Christmas Eve til you’ve done it at the 121
RODNEY Yeah, I feel alright today, though?
DEL You weren’t on the Caribbean Stallions!
RODNEY No I suppose not. Want a sweet? (offers Quality Street tin to Del)
DEL (grimaces) Oooh no, thanks. Can’t think of anything worse (looks in tin)
There’s only the cracknells left, anyway!
RODNEY Yeah, sorry, I came home with the munchies
(Del tuts, then smiles)
RODNEY Fancy a nut, then?
DEL No, I do not! (Del goes to drinks cabinet) I think I’ll just fix meself a
Dubonnet and black for breakfast. Do me good
(Rodney reacts)
RODNEY You don’t mind if I have some nuts, do ya?
DEL Go for it. Fill yer boots (Thinks about it and shudders)
Rodney picks up funny looking comical nutcrackers; they are shaped like a dog cocking its leg. Rodney puts a nut between it’s legs and cracks it. A piece of shell flies across the room and hits Grandad
GRANDAD Oi!
RODNEY What?
GRANDAD You nearly had me eye out, you stupid little git! Be more careful!
RODNEY How did I know it was going to do that?
DEL Hey come on you two. Pack it in. No arguing, will ya? It’s Christmas morning
(Del sits in middle chair. Rodney moves and sits in chair on left, picks up a
satsuma)
RODNEY I’ll have an orange, instead
(The Christmas tree lights are on in the background but as they sit down they momentarily flash off and then on again)
RODNEY Did you see that?
DEL What?
RODNEY The lights went out
DEL Did they?
RODNEY Yes. They went off and then on again
DEL Well… they’re designed to do that, aren’t they? A sort of…special effect
RODNEY Are they? You sure?
DEL Yeah
RODNEY They look bloody dangerous to me, Del!
DEL Course they’re not dangerous… at least I hope not (thinks, sighs)… I sold two dozen of ‘em in the run up to Christmas
RODNEY Oh, by the way…How do you get on selling them stupid toy mice?
DEL Rotten. Only sold three of em… and one of them was to Trigger
RODNEY ‘ere y’are, I told you they were no good
DEL Oh yeah? What do you know about selling, anyway? You couldn’t sell a bag of doughnuts to the Roly Polies! (Del laughs)
(Rodney reacts)
DEL Anyway, here you go, one for you (hands present to Rodney) and one for you (hands present to Grandad)
GRANDAD Aww…thanks Del. What is it?
DEL Well open it and find out
(Grandad opens gift)
GRANDAD Thanks Del. A pack of Cuban cigars. Lovely!

(Rodney opens his gift)
RODNEY Oh thanks, Del a bottle of …’Brute’?
DEL That’s alright, bruv
RODNEY Er… Del
DEL Yeah?
RODNEY Err.. Brut ain’t spelt with an ‘e’ on the end
DEL Yeah… it is
RODNEY No… it ain’t
DEL Must be?
RODNEY Where did you get this Del? Some cheap knock-off from Monkey Harris?
DEL No it’s not. Listen, I don’t get everything from Monkey Harris, y’know, what d’ya think I am?
RODNEY Where d’you get it, then?
DEL A shop
RODNEY Which shop?
DEL Never mind which shop
RODNEY Come on, which shop?
DEL Alright, not exactly a shop… Sunglasses Ron’s warehouse
RODNEY I mighta known
DEL Ungrateful little git!
RODNEY Anyway, this is for you (hands gift to Del) …and that’s genuine!
DEL Oh (opens gift) Now that’s handsome! Blue Stratos!
(Del opens bottle splashes some on. Grandad grimaces at the smell)
RODNEY Here you are, Grandad
GRANDAD Thanks Rodney (takes present)(to Del) He’s a good boy in’t ’e, Del?
DEL One of the best, Grandad. A diamond
GRANDAD (opens gift) Toffees!
RODNEY That’s right
GRANDAD Bleedin toffees!
RODNEY Whats up with that?
GRANDAD I’ll spend all Boxing Day picking them out of me false teeth!
RODNEY There’s no pleasing some people
DEL Come on you to, behave yourselves. Season of Goodwill n’ all that
GRANDAD Suppose you’re right. Here y’are, Rodney
(Rodney takes gift and opens it – it is a warm hat, green, fur lined with ear
flaps. He does not look too pleased)
DEL (smirks) Try it on, bruv. See what it looks like in the mirror?
RODNEY No, it’s alright
DEL Go on. Try it on, for your grandad
RODNEY (sheepishly) Oh, alright
(Rodney puts it on and goes to mirror to look. Del looks too)
DEL Here you are, it’s nice
RODNEY (whispers) No it’s not!
DEL It is… you look like a film star
RODNEY A film star?
DEL Yeah, from one of them old war movies. You look like a Kamikaze pilot! (laughs Rodney quickly pulls off hat)
RODNEY That’s triffic, Del, just triffic!
(Del laughs loudly)
DEL Right, that just leaves a present to me from you, Grandad. It is better to
give than to receive so, come on, let’s have it!
GRANDAD Oh yeah…. here you are, Del (gives him a present – Del opens it)
DEL Nice one, Grandad, a bottle o’ Martini. I was starting to think you haven’t got me anything
GRANDAD As if I would (smiles like butter wouldn’t melt)
DEL Here, I’ve got three cases of these in my bedroom. You didn’t get it from one of those boxes did ya?
GRANDAD No, Del
DEL You sure?
GRANDAD Of course. I got it from the corner shop
DEL The corner shop? Why pay those bleedin’ prices? You shoulda come and see me. I’ve got three cases. I could have done you one cut price!
(Rodney reacts – shakes head, incredulously)
RODNEY Anyway… if we’re all done with the pressies, anyone know what time we’re due down the Nag’s head for the Christmas dinner?
DEL Mike said get there for 2:30
RODNEY Cosmic. I’m looking forward to some proper grub
DEL Yeah, should be a good day. All the boys are gonna be down there
RODNEY Good…Oh, by the way, a Christmas card arrived yesterday (points to mantelpiece)
(Del picks up the card and reads aloud)
DEL Best wishes, all the best, Cobber, Happy Christmas, Jumbo
(Del smiles)
DEL How about that? Old Jumbo Mills still remembering us all the way from (in accent) ‘stralia mate!
RODNEY What accent’s that then, Del?
DEL Australian, of course
GRANDAD More like Pakistani!
(Rodney and Grandad laugh)
GRANDAD Here, Del, I just thought. We won’t be back in time to see the queen
RODNEY Good
(Del laughs)
DEL Yeah. Rodney’s right. Skip it this year, Grandad. We don’t wanna see her, anyway. In fact, the only place I really want to see the queen’s face is in my wallet! (he smiles)
DEL Right, I’m going to get washed up n’ freshen meself up a bit. Don’t worry, I’ll save you some hot water
(Del exits to bathroom)
GRANDAD Alright, Del (He then fixes on watching the two tellies)
(Rodney eats from a box of orange and lemon jelly slices)

INT. SCENE 3
NAG’S HEAD UPSTAIRS FUNCTION ROOM

(Del, Rodney, Grandad, Boycie, Mickey Pearce, Jevon, Denzil, Trigger and Sid are all seated at a festive table; very colourful. All wear coloured paper hats, except Boycie. Crackers are laid out. Whole ensemble are heartily eating Christmas dinner)
DEL (to Rodney) You must admit, bruv, Joycie and Karen have rustled up a righthandsome bit of grub for us today
RODNEY Yeah, Brahma, Del
DEL Exactly. Luvvly jubbly, innit?
DEL ‘Ere, Boycie, where’s Marlene today?
BOYCIE Oh, she couldn’t come down. She stayed at home with Duke
DEL Duke? Who’s ‘e? The window cleaner? (laughs)
BOYCIE (unamused) No, he’s a puppy I got her, as a present. She needs to look after him. He’s teething
DEL Well she’s missed out on a blindin’ bit of Christmas dinner ain’t she?
BOYCIE Not bad, Del, not bad at all
DEL Why ain’t you got yer hat on Boycie?
BOYCIE No I’m alright without it, Del
DEL Oh go on, Boycie. Join in, put your hat on!
TRIGGER Yeah, go on, be a sport, Boycie, put it on
MICKEY Come on, Boycie
WHOLE GROUP (CHANT) Boycie, Boycie, Boycie!
BOYCIE Oh, Alright, alright, if you insist, gentleman
(begrudgingly puts on a green paper hat)

DEL Cushty!
DEL (to Grandad) Do you know what, Grandad, it’s times like these I start to
feel… well… (gets emotional)… at times like these I wish mum was still ‘ere.
She would have enjoyed this
GRANDAD Yeah, she would have loved it. She like a get together. She was a real party girl was Joan
DEL Yeah (looks at Grandad out of the corner of his eye) ere…what do you mean a party girl?
GRANDAD Nothing, Del, just that, she liked a party
DEL Oh, yeah, she liked a right nice get together
(Sips drink)
DEL Hey, Trigger… Trigger, pull my cracker, will ya?!
TRIGGER Alright, Del (pulls cracker with Del – Bang!) Hooray!
(Del opens cracker and reads the joke aloud)
DEL Listen up! What is scary and noisy and sings with a Scouse accent?
TRIGGER I don’t know
DEL The deathwatch Beatles!
(Trigger looks blank)
(Rest of crowd all laugh)
BOYCIE ‘ere, Del (points to paper hat) do I have to keep this bleedin’ thing on all night?
DEL Eh? No, Boycie, that’s alright. You take it off, if you really want. We don’t mind a killjoy… even at Christmas!
TRIGGER (suddenly laughs loudly) Deathwatch Beatles! Ha Ha!
(Del looks at Trigger, bemused. Shakes head)
(Rest of crowd all laugh at Trigger)
(Boycie takes off paper hat but it has left a bright green mark all across his
forehead)
MICKEY (laughing) Hey, Boycie, you feeling alright? You look a bit green around the gills!
BOYCIE Eh?
(crowd all laugh)
JEVON Yeah. ‘ere, Boycie are you a fan of the Incredible ‘ulk? (laughs)
BOYCIE Eh?
DENZIL Don’t worry, Boycie, they’re only green with Envy! (laughs)
(crowd all laugh)
BOYCIE What are you bird brains laughing at?
DEL Don’t worry, Boycie, it’s nothing… nothing! (looks at the others, puts
finger on lips and shakes head)
(Mike comes in with extra plates of vegetables)
DEL Hey, Mike, you laid on any entertainment for Christmas?
MIKE Sorry, Del, I did book a kissogram for yer. Would have been a right good laugh, too. Unfortunately she’s come down with a bout of TB
(Del and Rodney look at each other in disgust)
MIKE Never mind, one of the regulars, Chas, is going to play some piano, so you can have a bit of a knees-up downstairs. He’ll be here in a minute
DEL Cushty! Well done, Mike, and… (tings side of glass with his rings – TING, TING, TING) I’d just like to say… what a brahma bit of grub Mike and his girls have put on for us today
CROWD Hear! Hear!
TRIGGER (a few seconds later) Hear! Hear!
(Del sits and all carry on eating)
DEL Hey, Grandad
GRANDAD What is it?
(Del points to the Turkey in front of him)
DEL I’ve got the wishbone!
GRANDAD Oh, lovely. Who you gonna pull it with?
DEL You!
(they pull the wishbone. Del wins the bigger half)
GRANDAD Well done, Del, make a wish!
(Del looks to ceiling and privately thinks of a wish)
GRANDAD What do you wish for?
DEL I can’t tell you that, Grandad, it’s a secret. I can’t tell you or it won’t
come true… but I’ll give you a clue… something to do with…this time next
year! (Del taps the side of his nose with finger)
MIKE Alright, everybody, Chas has arrived. If you’re ready for a right good kneesup, please make your ways downstairs to the bar
DEL Luvvly Jubbly!
RODNEY Cosmic!
TRIGGER What we doin’ now, then?
(Del looks at Trigger and rolls his eyes)

INT. SCENE 4 NAG’S HEAD DOWNSTAIRS BAR

Chas, from Chas and Dave, is playing the piano
(Whole ensemble are doing the Hokey Cokey)
(Lots of great shots of frivolity, laughing and cavorting)
ALL (Singing) In, out, in, out, shake it all about, you do the hokey cokey and you turn around, that’s what it’s all about! Oi!
(Great fun. Everyone is enjoying it, even Boycie (still unaware he has a bright green forehead)

Scene finishes with Del suggesting a conga. The whole ensemble start to conga in a circle around the room

INT SCENE 5 TROTTERS’ FLAT NELSON MANDELA HOUSE

(Trotters come in through door into front room)
DEL That was a great night, Rodders!
RODNEY Yeah, triffic!
(Del goes to cocktail cabinet)
DEL Anyone want a nightcap?
RODNEY Oh no, thanks, Del (pats belly)
GRANDAD No, thanks Del. Time for a kip, I think. Merry Christmas and nighty night!
DEL Alright, Grandad, night night!
(Grandad exits to bedroom)
(Del pours a cognac for himself)
DEL Newberry fruit, Rodders? (offers Rodney the box)
RODNEY No thanks, Del, I think I’ll turn in
(Del puts down box and sips cognac)
DEL Alright bruv, as long as you had a good Christmas Day?
RODNEY Yeah, cosmic!
DEL Because you know… on mum’s death bed… she said to me… she said… Del, I want you to promise me that you will give Rodney the bestest Christmases with really super triffic presents
RODNEY Yeah (thinks) Eh?..(affronted) Triffic presents? Some counterfeit
aftershave and a kamikaze hat!?
DEL Oi! be grateful, Rodney, there’s kids in Biafra what don’t get nothing at all. As Bob Geldof says ‘Do they not know it was Christmas?’
RODNEY (contrite) Yes, of course. Sorry. Night, Del, and thanks… for everything
DEL Yeah. I know. Night, bruv
(Rodney exits to bedroom)
(Del takes a sip of cognac, walks out on to the balcony, looks up at the stars. It is a clear night sky)
DEL Well, Mum (raises a glass in toast) another Christmas done (takes a sip) Wish you were here with us. Still, you’re watching from afar, I know it. (gets
emotional) You probably know what I wished for as well, eh? I hope it comes true, Mum, I really do hope it comes true…one day…

(One star in the sky glints very brightly, just for a second)
DEL Luvvly Jubbly!
(big smile from Del)

END CREDITS ROLL

Fools and Horses Fan script by Vin Hatcher