ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
-The day Peckham stood still-
Based on characters created by John Sullivan
From the series 5 era.
EXT.DAY. A Mud bound car park somewhere out in the sticks,we see a load of cars parked in front of a wharehouse,including the 3 wheeled van,at the gates is a large sign which reads………
Surplus,damaged and bankrupt stock auction, here today.
INT.DAY. THE AUCTION ROOM.
The are lot’s of people,90% men,stood in front of a stage made from crates,a man stands on the stage trying to sell something.
MAN.What we have here is twenty five stainless steel sinks,they we’re due to be fitted in the houses on a new estate in Surrey but the council had a change of plan at the last minute,retail price for these beauty’s is ninety pounds each,I’ll start the bidding at two hundred the lot.
We cut to Del and Rodney,we can still just about here the auction taking place in the background.
RODNEY.What do ya reckon?
DEL.About what?
RODNEY.These sinks,they sound alright,I think we should have a look at em at least.
DEL.What do you mean have a look at em,you saw enough of em when you unloaded em off the van did’nt ya?
RODNEY.You mean there the one’s we bought down here?
DEL.Yeah.
RODNEY.But he did’nt just describe the one’s your selling,he said these we’re stainless steel,your ones are more like stained steel.
DEL.It’s called creative license.
RODNEY.It’s called talking out of your arse,and what’s this about them being intended for a new housing estate in Surrey?
DEL.Well it’s half true,they do come from Surrey.
RODNEY.Yeah,they came out of the old houses.
DEL.Your getting like Mary bleedin’ whitehouse you are.
RODNEY.What about when the buyer goes to pick them up?
DEL.What about it?
RODNEY.Well it aint gonna take him long to realise them so called ‘new sinks’ have had more dishes in them than a Royal Dalton magazine.
DEL.I wish I’d have left you indoors and bought Grandad now.
RODNEY.So do I.
DEL.Anyway,we’ll be long gone before he even spot’s the lime scale.
MAN.Sold to the man in the blue jacket for three hundred and fifty pounds.
DEL.Lovely Jubbly.
MAN.Next up is a consignment of Panaramic camera’s,there’s fifty all together and they come from a depot over in Essex that got sent them by mistake,the sender could’nt be traced and now they are legally allowed to do with them as they wish.they’ve got a market value of two thousand pounds,we’ll start the bidding at one hundred and fifty.
DEL.Here we go,(calling out)here!
RODNEY.Is this what your after?
DEL.No no,I bid for fun don’t I?
MAN.Do I have one hundred and sixty?………no improvement on a hundred and fifty………that’s a surprise………ok,going once,going twice,sold to the man in the imitation camel hair coat.
DEL.Oi John,I’ll have you know this isn’t imitation anything,you come and have a look at the label.
MAN.That’s quite alright.
DEL.Have a look Rod,tell him what it says.
Rod does.
RODNEY(reading) Made in Cuba,machine washable.
Del’s face goes from ‘told you so to oh god’ and he leaves.
EXT.DAY. THE CAR PARK.
Del and Rodney carry two large boxes each,on them it say’s ‘Pana-Vision’
RODNEY.I can’t believe no one else bid for these.
DEL.I can.
RODNEY.Why,are they faulty?
DEL.No,they’re pucker.
RODNEY.So why we’re you the only person to bid?
DEL.Well you see that geezer over there taking that sign down?
We see an older man in a parker coat and wellies taking the auction sign down.
RODNEY.Yeah?
DEL.Well he owns the wherehouse,now usually at auctions you get the trader’s who have been there and done it all before and you get…..well you get people like you!
RODNEY.What’s that supposed to mean?
DEL.Nothing,now the people who go to these sort of places all the time usually have a word with the owners of these venues and ask them what to look out for and what to keep clear of.
They start to load up the van,Del takes one of the cameras out and examines it.he hangs it round his neck.
RODNEY.What cuz he would have had the chance to have a look at it all?
DEL.Yeah.
RODNEY.Do you think he told everyone not to bother with them camera’s then?
DEL.That’s exactly what I think.
They get in the van.
RODNEY.Why would he do that if there’s nothing wrong with them?
We have the P.O.V from behind the man as he works on the sign
They head out of the gates,as they pass the man, Del’s hand come’s out of the van window clutching a tenner,the man takes it,Del’s hand goes back in.
DEL.(voice over)Gord know’s!
EXT.NIGHT. A COUNTRY LANE.
The van drives along a country lane,Rodney is driving.
DEL.How the bloody hell can you be lost,didn’t you take mental note’s as I drove us here?
RODNEY.Yes but it was broad daylight,I made notes of landmarks and that.
DEL.Well look for them then.
RODNEY.I am but it’s hard to see cottages with red gate’s and a lake full of ducks in the pitch black.
DEL.Well you should of looked for bright landmarks then.
RODNEY.What do you mean bright,we’re in Seven Oaks not Las Vega’s
DEL.Well wherever we are we should have been back in London about an hour ago.
RODNEY.I’ll pull over and we’ll look at the map.
DEL.What’s the point of looking at the map,we don’t know where we are?
RODNEY.Well we’ll keep driving untill we see a sign.
DEL.Oh god,first your looking for duck’s, now your waiting for divine intervention.
RODNEY.I mean a road sign.
DEL.Oh.
RODNEY.Here we go look,(he reads)you are now entering Ashford.
DEL.Where the hell is Ashford?
RODNEY.Its’ on the way to Dover.
DEL.Dover!!,you do realise we live in Peckham and not bleedin’ Calais dont ya?
RODNEY.Look,stop getting anxious,all thats happened is we’ve taken a wrong turning and gone in the opposite direction to the one we wanted,now we know where we are we can look at the map and find the way home,now,where’s the map?
DEL.In the glove compartment.
He get’s it out and passes it to Rod and switches the light on but it don’t come on,he hits it and it does.
RODNEY.Right,all we have to do is follow this road back about three mile’s.
DEL.Where will we be then,the M25?
RODNEY.No,then we’ll be back at the auction house.
DEL.You mean we’ve taken three hour’s to drive three mile’s.
RODNEY.We must of being going round in circle’s.
DEL.You plonker,you absolute plonker,im meant to be on a date tonight.
RODNEY.Im sure she’ll keep.
They turn round and drive off.
EXT.NIGHT. ANOTHER COUNTRY ROAD.
We see Rodney driving and Del asleep.
RODNEY.Delboy!
He does’nt wake.
RODNEY.Del!
He only stir’s.
RODNEY.Derek!
He doesnt open his eyes.
DEL.What?
RODNEY.Are you asleep?
DEL.I would be if I wasn’t awake, we there yet?
RODNEY.Won’t be long now,about an hour.
DEL.Well pull over will ya, I need a Nelson’s.
He does.
RODNEY.I’ll have a quick look at the map.
We see Del go into the tree’s near a road sign facing the van, we cannot see Rodney because the map he has unfolded blocks the van’s windscreen.
Del starts to undo his fly but is distracted by a whirring noise from above,it get’s slightly windier than before, Del look’s up,we do not see what he does,suddenly he is bathed i bright light,he stands looking up open mouthed,he looks to Rodney but he still has the map blocking any view of whats happening.
DEL.Oh my god,oh my bloody bleedin god,spare me oh powerfull ones,there’s no point experimenting on me,im just a trader,take Rodney,he’s got two GCE’s.
The light goes out and the wind calms down,and te whirring fade’s,Del get’s the camera from round his neck and takes a photo.
RODNEY.Hurry up.
Del jumps in fright.
RODNEY.Sorry,you didn’t get any down ya did ya?
As Del get’s in he looks horrified,his hair is a mess.
RODNEY.You look like you’ve been attacked by Gentle Ben.
DEL.Drive.
RODNEY.Yes sir!
He pull’s away.
EXT.DAY. THE TROTTER’S FLAT.
Grandad come’s through from the kitchen with a cup of tea,he goes to put it on the table but knocks it and spills a load,he gets a coaster and ushers the spilt tea back into the cup.
GRANDAD.(Shouting)Rodney,ive done ya a cup of tea.
Grandad goes back into the kitchen.
Rodney enters still in his night clothes,he picks up the tea nad sits at the table.
Grandad comes back through with a new cup of tea and sit’s with Rodney.
GRANDAD.What on earth time did you two get in last night,you said you would be back at seven?
RODNEY.We got in about half one.
GRANDAD.Did you go to a club?
RODNEY.No we got lost on the way back.
GRANDAD.Well I thought Del was drunk when I came through here at about four this morning to get a glass of water.
RODNEY.Del was still up at four?
GRANDAD.Yeah,he stood looking out of the window saying something about he know’s they’re out there watching him.
RODNEY.Oh,don’t say he’s got another police surveilence team on him.
Del come’s through,he goes into the kitchen.
GRANDAD.Is he alright?
RODNEY.(concerned)I dunno.
Del comes back in with a mug of tea,he checks out of the window then sits down on the sofahe is very subdued.
RODNEY.You alright Del?
DEL.Me,yeah course,why?
RODNEY.It’s just that ever since we got lost last night you’ve been quiet and sorta funny.
DEL.Well im probably suffering from sleep desperation or something,we didnt get in her till gone one last night did we?
RODNEY.But grandad said you we’re still up at four.
DEL.Was I,well I could’nt sleep could I,it’s not a crime is it?
RODNEY.I know somethings wrong Del.
DEL.And how do you know that then Dr Who?
RODNEY.Because siting out there in the garage you’ve got two grands worth of gear,and look,it’s gone ten and your not in the market.
DEL.Alright,alright I’ll tell you,but this don’t go no further do you two understand?
ROD/GRANDAD.Yeah.
DEL.Ive been choosen.
Rodney and Grandad look at each other.
RODNEY.What for,jury duty?
DEL.What,no you dipstick,by them.
He point’s up.
GRANDAD.You mean the family in the flat above?
DEL.Aliens.
RODNEY.Alien’s,as in extra terrestrials?
DEL.Yeah.
GRANDAD.You mean Alien’s have choosen you?
DEL.Yeah.
GRANDAD.Why?
RODNEY.A decorating job most probably.
DEL.I think they want to probe me.
RODNEY.The only people that wanna probe you are watchdog.
DEL.You don’t beleive me do ya?
RODNEY.Well im sceptical to say the least.
GRANDAD.I believe ya Delboy.
DEL.Thank you Grandad,that means a lot.
He goes into the bedroom.
RODNEY.Do you honestly believe him?
GRANDAD.No course I don’t but I wanna borrow a tenner later.
Del comes back in fully clothed.
RODNEY.Come on then,what happened to make you think your saw an Alien?
DEL.I never said I saw an alien.
RODNEY.But you said………
DEL.I said ive been choosen by Alien’s,I didn’t say I saw one.
GRANDAD.Well how do you know they’ve choosen ya then?
RODNEY.They most probably faxed him.
DEL.You know last night when I got out of the van to go for a Jimmy Riddle?
RODNEY.Yeah.
DEL.Well as I was about to get my……well as I was about to do what I had to do and I head a noise from above and when I looked up I saw a sort of globe shape in the sky.
RODNEY.But it was pitch black.
DEL.I know but it was partially glowing,anyway all the tree’s started swaying,then it happened.
GRANDAD.What?
DEL.They shone a brilliant light on me,as bright as iv’e ever seen,and for just a few second’s i fealt helpless,I fealt like,like I was being summoned.
RODNEY.Then what happened?
DEL.They buggered off.
RODNEY.They’ve got a lot in common with most of your bird’s then.
GRANDAD.Why do you think they shone a light on ya?
DEL.I dunno,maybe to see if I was a suitable subject for an abduction I suppose.
GRANDAD.But why did they let ya go for then?
DEL.I reckon it’s because they need an average everyday human being to run all test’s on,and one thing im not is an average everyday human beign.
RODNEY.Well your right there,although i reckon I know the reason they didnt abduct ya.
DEL.Why?
RODNEY.They smealt ya aftershave.
DEL.Can you be a little bit more serious Rodney.
RODNEY.Oh come on Del,I was there when you went for a tinkle,don’t you think I would have noticed if a UFO had been about?
DEL.No because you had your head burried in the map did’nt ya,look,just accept it,last night your big brother had an encounter with visitors from another galaxy.
RODNEY.Are you sure it we’rent a big bird or something?
DEL.How many birds do you know that carry bloody torches?
GRANDAD.Maybe it was a plane.
DEL.No,it was too low,anyway,I told ya,it was globe shaped.
RODNEY.Well you can’t prove it so you may as well just forget all about it.
DEL.I can prove it.
GRANDAD.How?
DEL.I used one of them camera’s and took a photo of it,im gonna go down boot’s this afternoon and get the film developed,then I’ll prove that ive not gone loopy.
RODNEY.Well i’ll believe it when I see it.
DEL.Come on then look alive,i’ll drop you in the market and you can knock some of them camera’s out,and remember,don’t mention this to a soul,ok.
RODNEY.Yes,alright.
EXT.DAY. MARKET.
We see the usual stall’s,then we see Rodney with the suitcase on a crate,it is full of the camera’s in boxes,he has attracted a crowd of about 15.
RODNEY.These are top of the range that would normally cost you close to a hundred pound’s,but thanks to the strengh of the pound next to the Yen I can let thses go for twenty five quid a peice.
We see people approach and pay for one,they are very popular.
Trigger walks up.
TRIGGER.Afternoon Dave.
RODNEY.Alright Trig?
TRIGGER.Are you selling camera’s now?
RODNEY.No Trig im giving free eye test’s.
TRIGGER.Are you an optician now then Dave?
Rod reacts
RODNEY.Do you wanna go for a pint?
TRIGGER.Yeah,alright then.
INT.DAY. THE NAG’S HEAD.
Mike is behind the bar,Boycie,Trig and Rodney stand up the bar,they are mid conversation.
BOYCIE.Where’s Delboy then?
RODNEY.He’s having a film developed at Boot’s.
BOYCIE.Of what?
RODNEY.He told me not to say anything.
MIKE.Oh come on Rodney,ere,he aint started up his own photographer’s has he?
RODNEY.No,nothing like that,ok,i’ll tell ya but it’s to go no further,right?
BOYCIE.Go on then.
RODNEY.He claim’s he saw a UFO last night and it tried to abduct him.
BOYCIE.Saw a UFO?
MIKE.And it tried to abduct him?
RODNEY.Yeah,he reckon’s it shone a real powerful light on him and he started to feel funny.
BOYCIE.Where did this happen?
RODNEY.In his body.
BOYCIE.No you burk,I mean where about’s?
RODNEY.Last night near some wood’s on the way back from an auction.
MIKE.And you didnt see anything?
RODNEY.I was in the van looking at the map,Del had gone into the wood’s for a pi…….to relieve himself.
TRIGGER.Do you believe him?
RODNEY.At first I didn’t,at first I thought it was one of wind up’s,but he’s adament it happened.
MIKE.If it is true,what did they pick Del for?
RODNEY.He said they wanted to probe him and do all test’s so they can get an idea what human’s are like.
BOYCIE.Good god,you mean to say they travelled several billion light years to gather information on the human specie’s and they picked Del,we are in trouble,they’ll probably invade tommorow.
RODNEY.Well don’t you go saying anything,he didnt want you lot knowing.
MIKE.I’m not surprised.
TRIGGER.I saw a U.F.O once.
RODNEY.Yeah,where?
TRIGGER.In that film,War of the world’s.
They react.
Del enter’s.
DEL.Oi you,your meant to be in the market flogging them camera’s.
RODNEY.Im aloud a lunch break aint I.
DEL.Yeah but I only dropped you off an hour ago.
BOYCIE.Hello Derek,how are you?
DEL.Im great thank’s Boyce,come over here Rodney,I wanna word.
They go.
RODNEY.Did you get them picture’s developed?
DEL.Yes I did.
RODNEY.And?
DEL.And,all you can bloody see is my eye.
RODNEY.Your eye,how come,did you have the camera round the wrong way?
DEL.No,but the bloody inside’s of them camera’s are the wrong way round.
RODNEY.So they’re useless?
DEL.Well unless your an optician,yes.
RODNEY.Cosmic.
DEL.Oi,you hav’nt told this mob about what happened have ya?
RODNEY.You told me not to didnt ya,im a man of my word.
DEL.Good,come on then lets get a drink.
They return to the bar.
DEL.Mike,when your ready.
BOYCIE.I’ll get these.
DEL.Cheer’s Boyce,I’ll have a pint.
RODNEY.Same here.
BOYCIE.Michael i’ll have a Conjac,the same again for Trigger, Rodney and Darth Vader here will have a pint.
They all laugh,except Del and Rodney.
DEL.You git.
RODNEY.It slipped out.
DEL.Your lucky my boot don’t slip Rodney.
He goes and sit’s on his own.
Trig joins him.
TRIGGER.So you saw a UFO then Del?
DEL.Yes Trigger I did,and im not ashamed to say it.,I know what I saw.
TRIGGER.I watched a documentery about that sort of thing the other night.
The others join them.
DEL.What happened.
TRIGGER.Well there was this kid and he found an Alien in his garden,anyway,all these government types wanted to kidnap this little alien,so the kid,he makes this big machine so the alien can give his mum and dad a bell,anyway they came and picked him up and everything was all right.
DEL.That’s not a bloody documentery,that was that film,what was it called,that’s it,Ett.
RODNEY.It was E.T.,bloody Ett!
TRIGGER.That was it,E.T.Did you see it as well Dave?
DEL.I give up with you Trigger.
BOYCIE.What are you gonna do about it then Delboy?
DEL.Well what can I do,no sod believes me do they.
BOYCIE.You could tell the story to a newspaper,they always print cra….story’s like that.
DEL.No,i’ll be a laughing stock.
RODNEY.At least it will add some substance to ya story.
DEL.Nah.
TRIGGER.They pay good money.
DEL.Whats the number for the peckham echo?
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Grandad sit’s in the chair,he reads the peckham echo,we have a close up of the headline.
‘Peckham man survives UFO abduction attempt’
There is a pic of Del on the front.
Del and Rod enter in mid conversation.
RODNEY.And what make’s you think it will be a success,all of your other hair brained schemes have gone tits up,why not this one?
DEL.Ive just got a felling that’s all,something happened out there in them wood’s that’s gonna change our live’s,.(Del notices grandad reading the echo)Ah,you’ve seen it then?
GRANDAD.It’s the biggest load of old rubbish ive read in my life
DEL.Thank you for being so encouraging granfather.
Del switches the TV on and sit’s down.
DEL.Whats it like having a celebrity in the house then?
GRANDAD.I’ll let you know when he get’s here.
DEL.You would’nt have said that if you’d have been in the market with me today would he Rodder’s?
RODNEY.If you say so Del.
DEL.People kept coming up to me and asking me all about it.
GRANDAD.Did you tell em?
RODNEY.Only if they bought a camera.
DEL.That’s right.
RODNEY.Go on then,tell him your idea.
DEL.All in good time Rodder’s.
GRANDAD.What’s your idea Del?
DEL.Well you know the paper paid a ton for that story?
GRANDAD.Yeah,so?
DEL.Well imagine how much people will pay for an evening with the star of the story.
GRANDAD.What do you mean?
RODNEY.He mean’s he’s gonna drive a van full of people down to the woods where he ‘made contact’ and feed em a load of old pony.
DEL.Your not looking at the big picture Rodder’s,im gonna take these people to the spot where Aliens from another world made contact,I’ll tell them in detail exactly what happened….
RODNEY.But it’s in the paper exactly what happened,well a slightly exaggerated version of what happened.
DEL.Well yeah but i’ll make something more exiting than that up,plus,they may see something for themselves,it could become a UFO hotspot like that area 51 in America.
RODNEY.Del,area 51 is a secret military base in the Nevada desert,where you plan on taking people is a road sign near a layby.
DEL.Leave me to worry about the deatails Rodney,you concentrate on the driving.
RODNEY.Thats all very w……..im not driving a van full of UFO spotters anywhere.
DEL.You are.
RODNEY I am not Del.
DEL.Look this is a sub project of Trotters independent traders,a company of which you are a partner,therefore you will do as your bloody well told.
RODNEY.Alright then,if thats how you wanna be i’ll do it,but I want paying for it.
DEL.I’d have it no other way.
RODNEY.Thirty percent of the profits.
DEL.Fifteen.
RODNEY.Twenty five,take it or leave it.
DEL.Your a right greedy git you are,I dont know where you get it from.
RODNEY.Hang on a minute,how are we gonna get them there,the van?
DEL.No Im not you wally,i’ll hire a mini bus,ive got plenty of money from them cameras’ an i’ll make plenty more from this tour.
RODNEY.How are people gonna find out about it?
DEL.I’ll have leaflets printed and you and grandad can go put em up all over the place,i’ll pay you both of course,plus i’ll put an ad up at the pub.
RODNEY.It’s all gonna cost Del.
DEL.Yeah but the profit will be at leat triple the outlay,everyone’s a winner.
RODNEY.And you think this’ll be a winner do ya?
DEL.I do Rodder’s,I really do.
RODNEY.Well your the boss.
DEL.What do you think to it all Grandad?
GRANDAD.It’s the most stupidest idea ive ever heard.
DEL.Don’t beat about the bush,tell us how you really feel about it.
GRANDAD.No one in their right mind is gonna wanna know about little green men,especially from you.
DEL.Oh shuddup you old git.
They sit and watch the TV which now become’s audible.
NEWSMAN.And in other news,If the local’s from a small community in Ashford are to be beleived we are not alone in the universe,eyewitness reports suggest that late last night a bright globe shaped object was spotted hovering above the tree’s near a small woodland laybye just off the main Ashford bypass,the area,popular with Picnickers, has been beseiged this evening with UFO hunter’s from all over Britain,our very own Gary Meddow’s is among them,Gary……
We now see what they are watching,a newscaster stands near the wood’s Del was at with loads of people around him,they all look very geeky,one man has a telescope set up looking skywards.
GARY.Yes thank you Tony,im joined here tonight by about 50 UFO hunters who just hope they have the kind of experiance that a happened to a London man as he passed through here last night,According to an interview with the man in a regional London newspaper,He was conducting a multi-million pound bussiness deal on his mobile phone when he looked up and saw the globe above him,apperently he was then engulfed in light and rose almost a full three inches off the floor.
DEL.See,now you feel stupid dont ya,the pair of ya,yeah,this time next year,i’ll……….we’ll,…be millionairs.
EXT.NIGHT. THE NAG’S HEAD CAR PARK.
We see Rodney waiting beside the van,we then see a large placard has been erected,it say’s….
“Departing from here at 6pm:a UFO mystery tour which will take you deep into the heart of UFO country where you will meet the man who narrowly escaped abduction just a few night’s ago,he will tell you exactly what happened,including the details thought too scary for the world renowned Peckham Echo….£20 per person.”
Mike come’s out.
MIKE.Is he here yet?
RODNEY.No not yet.
MIKE.I’m not happy about this Rodney,using my car park to lure every weirdo this side of the nut house.
RODNEY.Your getting paid aint ya,plus he packs your gaff out before we set off dont he?
MIKE.Yeah I suppose your right,how’s the evenings been going?
RODNEY.Well………..well there making money.
MIKE.Anyone spotted anything yet?
RODNEY.Well Trig came on the first night,he thought he spotted an Alligator in the wood’s.
MIKE.And what was it?
RODNEY.A bench.
MIKE.No UFO sightings yet then?
RODNEY.No not yet.
MIKE.Do you think they’ll be back.
RODNEY.I dunno.
MIKE.Well for your sake I hope they do.
RODNEY.My sake,why?
MIKE.Well Del mentioned that if there isn’t any action within the week he’s gonna get you to dress up like a martian and run through the woods.
RODNEY.Well Del can get stuffed.
Del,in the mini bus,arrives.
He beeps the horn.
DEL.Tally ho there my loyal subjects,are the pilgrim’s here yet?
MIKE.Their in the bar Del,it’s a right bunch tonight,there’s one who reckons years ago his mother was impregnated by an alien.
DEL.He’s probably the outcome.
They laugh.
DEL.Come on then Rodder’s,round em up,I wanna be there by nine.
EXT.NIGHT. A COUNTRY LANE.
We see Rodney driving,Del sit’s beside him,in the back of the full mini bus are geeky people of all age’s,they have binoculars and equipment ect,they look out of the window and upwards ect.
MAN.How did it feel to know they had picked you Derek.
DEL.Look,ive told ya,i’ll answer questions afterwards.
MAN 2.Will you sign my flask?
DEL.Of course,for a fiver.
MAN 2.Excellent.
WOMEN 1.I do hope we see some action tonight.
DEL.The look of you love you could do with it.
RODNEY.Del!
DEL.It’s just round this corner isn’t it?
RODNEY.I know where it is by now don’t I.
EXT.NIGHT. THE UFO HOTSPOT.
The enthusiast’s equipment is set up and they are gathere’d round Del who tells’ his story,Rodney sit’s in the van asleep.
DEL……….And it hovered above my head as I stood on this very spot,I then fealt a rush of energy go from my head to my toe’s,that’s when I was bathed in this fantastic light….
WOMAN.Were’nt you scared?
DEL.Scared,me,nooo,what’s to be scared about when a race travels million’s of light years and out of all the thousands of people in this world they could have picked,they choose me,nah I was’nt scared,I was……..i was uplifted.
MAN 1.Don’t you worry that they’ll come back for?
MAN 2.Yes,maybe the reason they didn’nt take you the first time is because there gamma ray’s we’rent powerfull enough to lift you.
DEL.Gamma?…….that’s a sort of ham int it?
EXT.NIGHT. THE MOTORWAY.
We see that most of the trippers are asleep,Rodney drives.
DEL.Another resounding success Rodder’s.
RODNEY.I owe you an apology Del,I never in a million years thought this idea would work,but here we are, a grand in profit a week later and I stand corrected.
DEL.You must have faith Rodney,Ive always had faith and that night out in them wood’s my faith was repaid,I mean,look at it this way,we only need to do this another ten years or so and we will be millionairs.
RODNEY.If you say so Del.
DEL.Put the radio on will ya,im sick of hearing that lot snoring in my ear.
Rodney put’s the radio on,it is half way through the new’s.
NEWSREADER…..The cow was eventually freed from the lake and despite being a bit wetter, it was none the worse for wear.In other news,the UFO fever that has gripped the country look’s like it will be coming to an end,an amatuer hot air balloonist by the name of Andrew Gower has admitted it was him hovering above tree’s near some wood’s in Ashford and not a UFO,it was’nt an attempt at an elaborate hoax though….the man himself will explain…..
ANDREW.I was competing in the annual London to Dover hot air baloon race when I suddenly realised I’d got a bit lost,so i did the only thing i could think of which was to fly low and shine my high powered torch on a road sign so I could see where I was,I understand that a man thought it was an abduction attempt,well i’d like to apoligise to that man for any distress caused and…….
Del turn’s it off.
DEL.I don’t bloody believe it.
RODNEY.The end of another dream then.
DEL.What are you talking about,it’s only a small new’s bullitin late at night,hardly anyone would have heard it,I mean this lot are fast asleep and…..
Del look’s round and all the passenger’s are awake and staring dagger’s at Del.
DEL.Alright?
MAN 1.We want our money back.
EXT.NIGHT. THE NAGS HEAD CAR PARK.
As the people get off the minibus Del hands them there money back and they leave.
DEL.Well look at this way Rodney,we’ve made a grand out of it,that’s nothing to sniff at.
RODNEY.True.
Just then scores of people come out of the pub followed by Mike.
MIKE.Ah,am I glad your back,it’s just been on the London evening news that UFO wer’nt a UFO at all,it was…….
DEL.We know,we know,we heard it ourselves on the radio.
All the people stand with Mike.
RODNEY.You got a party in there Mike?
MIKE.Well sort of,it’s a party of people who want there money back.
Boycie exits the pub and see’s Del.
BOYCIE.”Trademark laugh”
INT.NIGHT. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Del is stood out on the balcony,Rodney is having a chinese up the table,Grandad sits in the chair.
GRANDAD.He’s been stood out there an hour now.
RODNEY.I know.
GRANDAD.Do you reckon he’s upset?
RODNEY.Well how would you feel if you had to hand back over a grand,he had visions of riding around in stretch limo’s within the year.
GRANDAD.Let’s go talk to him Rodney.
Rodney and Grandad get up and Joins Del.
RODNEY.Cold out here aint it?
DEL.I hav’nt noticed.
RODNEY.It’s not the end of the world bruv,I mean did you really in your heart of earts think it was aliens from another world?
DEL.It’s not just that bruv,for once in my life I was a success at something and it got snatched away.
RODNEY.You should be used to that by……what I mean is,even the most successfull people in the world lose out now and again.
DEL.But do you realise I was this close to being the first Trotter to make a success of something,I mean mum would have loved to have made something of herself but dad held her back,then there’s you grandad,the closest you came to success was when you gave the manager of the local bingo hall a push start.
GRANDAD.What about my mum and dad?
DEL.Well what did they do?
GRANDAD.They we’re in iron and steel.
RODNEY.You mean your mum and dad,our great grandparents, worked at one of them iron and steel mill’s?
GRANDAD.No,I mean me mum did the ironing while me dad was out steeling.
DEL.Come on you two,let’s get inside before we catch hypercondria.
They go inside,Del takes one more look skywards and closes the door,the camera pans out side and focuses on the sky,gradually a star becomes brighter than the rest then shoots across the sky before dissapearing.
THE END.
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Brilliant! I would of loved to seen this episode on the tv:)