Episode Name : For The Record
SCENE 1 – INT: FLAT – EVENING
THE BROTHERS ENTER. DEL IS CARRYING A BOX WHICH HE DUMPS ON THE TABLE WITH A THUMP. GRANDAD IS SITTING WATCHING THE TELEVISION
DEL: Alright grandad?
GRANDAD: Yeah I’m alright Del, you had a good day?
DEL: Not bad grandfather, not bad
GRANDAD: You get rid of those Cliff Richard LP’s?
DEL: I certainly did
GRANDAD: I knew people round here had no taste but I didn’t know it were that bad. Your old mum was right about you Delboy, she always said you could sell sand to the Arabs
RODNEY: Oh he didn’t sell ‘em
GRANDAD: He said he got rid of ‘em
RODNEY: He did. He flung ‘em in Trigger’s dust cart
GRANDAD: So you didn’t sell any of them? Told ya, you owe me a tenner
DEL: Au contraire, au contraire, I did sell some. Well, one.
GRANDAD: One? You can’t claim on the bet for selling one.
DEL: Course I can, you bet me ten quid I wouldn’t sell one of those records, I bet you ten that I could. Now get your money out. (TO RODNEY) Look at his face, mardy old git. Last time he opened that wallet the Queen had to put sunglasses
JUST AS GRANDAD IS ABOUT TO HAND IT OVER HE PULLS IT BACK LEAVING DEL GRASPING AT THIN AIR
GRANDAD: How do I know you’re telling the truth?
DEL: That’s charming, eh? Ask Rodney if you don’t believe me
RODNEY: It’s true grandad, as he was chucking them into Trigger’s cart someone bought one
GRANDAD: Who?
DEL: Trigger
GRANDAD REACTS AND DEL SNATCHES THE MONEY AWAY. RODNEY SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR BESIDE GRANDAD AS DEL HEADS TO THE KITCHEN LAUGHING
GRANDAD: If he had to chuck away those records why is he in such a good mood?
RODNEY: He’s made the deal of the century ain’t he
GRANDAD: Oh gawd, again?
DEL ENTERS WITH THREE BEERS
DEL: Yes, again. Here you are, get your laughing gear around these.
DEL PASSES OUT THE BEERS
DEL: As we were sitting in the Nags Head drowning our sorrows at having to dump all those LP’s, we bumped into Monkey Harris. I was telling him about the bad luck I’d had with the Cliff Richard records and he was upset cos he sold them to me. You know, you don’t like to feel like you’ve conned a mate, do ya?
GRANDAD: That reminds me, Denzil phoned, something about owing him twenty pounds for repairs
DEL: Eh, what is that dipstick on about?
GRANDAD: He said that you sold him a faulty radio, you told him you’d get it fixed for him. He couldn’t wait no longer so he took it to Dixons and got them to fix it, so you owe him for the repairs
DEL: Well it’s out of my hands now isn’t it
RODNEY: How?!
DEL: Well, by taking it and letting those wallys mess around with it any contract that existed between me and him is null and void
RODNEY: In other words he can go and whistle for the money
DEL: I don’t make the rules Rodney. As the French would say, it is now ‘petit pois’, his problem. Anyway, where was I?
RODNEY: You don’t like to feel like you’ve conned a mate
DEL: Oh, yeah, so, Monkey gave me a belting deal on these
HE PULLS A WINGS RECORD FROM THE BOX. THE RECORD HAS A SCRIBBLE ACROSS THE FRONT OF IT
DEL: Eh, eh, what do you think of that?
GRANDAD: What is it?
DEL: What is it? It’s part of a 32 piece dinner service. What the bloody hell do you think it is?
GRANDAD: Don’t you get sarky with me Del. I know it’s a record, I want to know what kind of record it is
DEL: Alright, I apologise. This is a Wings record, but it’s not just any Wings record is it Rodney?
RODNEY: No, it’s a terrible Wings record
DEL: I’ll clock you one in a minute Rodney. Now this is not just any Wings record, this is hand signed by none other than John Lennon
GRANDAD: You’re kidding
DEL: No, straight up
GRANDAD: John Lennon eh
GRANDAD TAKES THE RECORD AND LOOKS AT IT
GRANDAD: Who’s John Lennon?
DEL: I don’t believe him, I just don’t believe him
RODNEY: You know these aren’t genuine signatures
DEL: Of course they are. Why, do you think they’re not pukka?
RODNEY: No!
DEL: Well go on Doctor Holmes, present your proof
RODNEY: Well I’ve got three pieces of evidence. Firstly John Lennon wasn’t in Wings
DEL: Well you know old John, he’d have signed anything for a fan. Plus, Paul McCartney was in Wings and him and John were in The Beatles together so that’s as good as McCartney’s signature on there
RODNEY: All right. Two, they cost you 15 pence each
DEL: Well what do you expect, they’re signed by someone who wasn’t in the bleedin’ band!
RODNEY: And this is the case winner. Three, when I was putting them into the boxes at Monkey’s lockup (HE HOLDS UP HIS INK COVERED HANDS) the ink on the signatures was still wer
DEL SNATCHES THE RECORD OFF GRANDAD AND THEN CHUCKS IT BACK IN THE BOX
DEL: I’m gonna kill Monkey next time I see him
GRANDAD: How can I be sure you two aren’t in it together?
DEL: Eh, what is that daft old berk on about?
GRANDAD: That tenner, how do I know that you haven’t conspired against me to win that tenner? You could have offered Rodney half the winnings to lie for you
RODNEY: Oh come on now grandad, you know me, I don’t go around conning pensioners out of money. I can’t believe you’d even think it.
GRANDAD: Yeah, I’m sorry Rodney. You’re a good boy
DEL: Well, I’m going to change into my best whistle, have a splash of Brut and head to the One Eleven club for a few drinks. You fancy joining me Rodney?
RODNEY: Skint ain’t I?
DEL: I owe you that fiver
RODNEY GETS UP
RODNEY: Oh yeah
THEY HEAD TO THEIR ROOMS TO GET READY
GRANDAD: You robbing little gits
SCENE 2 – NAGS HEAD – DAY
DEL AND RODNEY ENTER AND APPROACH THE BAR. TRIGGER IS THERE. THE BARMAID IS SERVING AT THE OTHER END OF THE BAR.
DEL: When you’re ready love
BARMAID: Hang on a minute Del, I only have one pair of hands
DEL: I don’t know why we drink here Rodders, really I don’t
RODNEY: Probably because it’s the only place left round here that’ll give you a slate
DEL THINKS ABOUT IT AND THEN NODS
TRIGGER: How’s it going Del?
DEL: Not bad Trig
TRIGGER: All right Dave?
RODNEY: Cosmic Trig, cosmic
DEL: I’m going over here to talk to Boycie. If she ever decides to take up barkeeping again get me a (THINKS) Malibu and Lucozade
DEL WALKS OFF WHILE RODNEY STANDS AT THE BAR WAITING TO BE SERVED
TRIGGER: Ain’t seen you in a while
RODNEY: You saw me this morning Trigger
TRIGGER: Yeah, I know, but I ain’t seen you in here in a while
RODNEY: I was in here last night, I gave you a lift home
TRIGGER: You sure it was me?
RODNEY: Yes!
TRIGGER: What was I wearing?
RODNEY: The same as you wear every night in here, the same as you’re wearing now
TRIGGER THINKS ABOUT IT
TRIGGER: Sounds like me
BARMAID COMES TO SERVE
BARMAID: Yes Rodney
RODNEY: Half a lager, a Malibu and Lucozade, Trig, you want a drink?
TRIGGER: No cheers Dave, I’m going to get off, been good to catch up though. Don’t be such a stranger
TRIGGER LEAVES. RODNEY REACTS
RODNEY: Make that a pint please Mike
BARMAID: Denzil was in here earlier lookin’ for Del. Something about owing money for repairs?
RODNEY: Yeah, he phoned the flat
BARMAID: So Del into DIY now?
RODNEY: No. He’s trying to corner the market in rare music memorabilia
BARMAID: What, you mean stuff signed by Elvis and that?
RODNEY: No, I mean it’s rarely bought by anyone
BARMAID LAUGHS, RODNEY PAYS FOR THE DRINKS AND CARRIES THEM TO TE TABLE WHERE DEL IS SITTING WITH BOYCIE. HE HANDS DEL HIS DRINK
DEL: Si vous plait Rodders, park yourself down there (TAKES A SIP) Lovely jubbly
BOYCIE: Hello Rodney
RODNEY: Boyce
BOYCIE: You not out seeing that little piece from the chemist tonight?
RODNEY: No, we’re not seeing each other any more
BOYCIE: Oh dear, I am sorry to hear that. So did you dump her?
RODNEY: Yeah, I’m too young to get tied down, decided to play the field a bit
BOYCIE: Good for you. I was going to say you were too good for her, I mean three mornings last week I saw her leaving young Jevon’s house as I was driving to the car lot
RODNEY: I bloody knew she dumped me for somebody else
DEL AND BOYCIE LAUGH. RODNEY GETS UP
RODNEY: Oh ha ha bloody ha. I’m going to the toilet
RODNEY GOES OFF
DEL: How’s business then Boycie?
BOYCIE: I’m not going to lie to you Derek, it is slow and it doesn’t help that I have to spend my mornings cleaning the cars in the forecourt instead of being in the office
DEL: Ain’t you got someone to do that for you? What happened to that young kid you had working for you… Chris wasn’t it?
BOYCIE: He’s still there Del, but he can’t handle the work. Ever since they changed the bus routes I’ve got one flying past every fifteen minutes kicking up dust and making my cars dirty. Nobody wants to buy a dirty car.
DEL: Come off it, dirt is the only think holding most of your cars together
BOYCIE GIVES HIM A DIRTY LOOK
DEL: Well why don’t you take on someone else?
BOYCIE: Can’t afford it. Can’t afford it cos I can’t sell a car and I can’t sell a car cos I can’t afford to take anyone on. It’s a vicious circle
DEL: What is, the car?
BOYCIE: No not the car, my problem
DEL: Oh, that kind of vicious circle. What you need is someone who would work cheap. Something that doesn’t have to go through the books.
BOYCIE: Yeah
DEL: In fact, what you need is someone who would work for no money at all
BOYCIE: That would be ideal Del, but who would be stupid enough to work for no money at all?
RODNEY COMES AND SITS DOWN
DEL: You never know your luck Boyce, you never know your luck
SCENE 3 – INT: FLAT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
RODNEY ENTERS THE FLAT IN A BAD MOOD CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY DEL
RODNEY: No way Del, I ain’t doing it
DEL: Oh come on Rodney, I gave him your word
RODNEY: Well you can go and take it bloody back
DEL: I can’t do that, I’ll look like a right plonker
RODNEY: So no different to how you usually look then
DEL: Are you looking for a thick ear, cos you’re going the right way about it my son
GRANDAD COMES OUT OF HIS BEDROOM
GRANDAD: What’s all the noise, it’s enough to wake the dead
DEL: Looks like it has
GRANDAD: Don’t get saucy, you ain’t to big for a slap. Now, what’s it all about?
DEL: I have been good enough to procure for Rodney, a job in a very successful highly respected firm
RODNEY REACTS
DEL: Well it’s successful anyway
GRANDAD: What you complaining about Rodney, you always said you wanted a job. Don’t know why you’re being so ungrateful
RODNEY: I’ll tell you why. This big firm is Boyce Motors
GRANDAD: Well, you’ve got to take what you can get Rodney. An honest days work for an honest days pay
RODNEY: It’s a job arranged by Del, working with Boycie. There is going to be nothing honest about it
DEL: What do you mean by that?
RODNEY: Well, will I have a wage, and will there be tax, national insurance paid, that sort of thing?
DEL: Why give them the hassle? Anyway, they’d have a hard job taxing nothing
RODNEY: You see, not honest. I haven’t had an honest job….. What do you mean it’ll be hard to tax nothing?
DEL: Thing is bruv, Boycie is having a bit of a cash flow problem, so he can’t afford to pay you. Not in money anyway.
RODNEY: Sort of like voluntary work? Well why didn’t you say?
DEL: Well, you know
RODNEY: You can definitely sod off
DEL MOVES LIKE THE GROUND IS SHAKING
DEL: Did you feel that grandad?
GRANDAD: Feel what?
DEL: The ground moving. Oh no, it was just mum turning in her grave
RODNEY: Here we go “mum said to me on her deathbed, she said ‘Del, if Rodney ever gets the chance to work for nothing for one of your mates, you must tell him to take it’”
DEL: How dare you. Ho dare you talk about mum like that. I’m ashamed to call you my brother, I really am
DEL SITS DOWN HEAVILY BESIDE GRANDAD. GRANDAD SHAKES HIS HEAD AT RODNEY AND THEN SITS BESIDE DEL. HE PLACES A HAND ON DELS SHOULDER. DEL PLACES HIS HAND ON TOP OF GRANDADS. RODNEY IS IN THE BACKROUND LOOKING REGRETFUL.
RODNEY: Del, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… you know, disrespect mum, I just get jealous sometimes, cos, well, you knew her and have all these stories about her. All I have is a vague memory of a woman who used to pick me up when I fell over and stroked my hair to put me to sleep. All of a sudden she was gone. After that it was you telling me to stop crying when I fell over and putting whiskey in my hot milk to put me to sleep.
DEL: And what thanks so I get for giving up the best years of my life to bring you up? I ask you to do one little thing and you tell me to take a running jump.
RODNEY: If you want me to do this job for Boycie then I’ll do it
DEL: Don’t be doing me no favours
RODNEY: No, I want to. I’ve thought about it and, you know, it’ll be good experience for me. I’ll learn about how to buy and sell properly
DEL REACTS
RODNEY: I mean cars, buy and sell cars
DEL: That’s exactly what I thought Rodders
RODNEY: I’ll go and look out my best suit
DEL: No need brother
RODNEY: Eh?
DEL: Well Boycie is providing the uniform ain’t he?
RODNEY: Oh right, cosmic
DEL: Well off you go to bed then Rodney, you don’t want to be tired on your first day, off you go
RODNEY: Yeah you’re right. Goodnight grandad
GRANDAD: Night son, I think I’m going to turn in myself. Night Del
DEL: Night grandad
RODNEY: Night Del
DEL: Night Rodney
RODNEY AND GRANDAD HEAD OFF TO BED
DEL: Stone me, it’s like living with The Waltons
SCENE 4 – INT: FLAT – EVENING (NEXT DAY)
DEL COMES INTO THE FLAT WITH THE SUITCASE. HE DUMPS IT BY THE DOOR. GRANDAD IS SITTING IN HIS USUAL SPOT IN FRONT OF HIS TWO TVS
DEL: Evening grandad, is Rodney home?
GRANDAD: Yeah, he got back half an hour ago
DEL: Oh cushty, where is he, in his room?
DEL GOES TO MAKE HIS WAY THROUGH TO RODNEY’S ROOM
GRANDAD: I wouldn’t Del, he’s after your blood
DEL STOPS AND THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE WITH HIS HAND RESTING ON THE DOOR HANDLE AND THEN GOES TO THE BAR TO POUR HIMSELF A DRINK
DEL: He’s probably tired after a hard days work. I’ll just leave him for a bit to rest
GRANDAD: You do much today then Del?
DEL HOLDS UP A BOTTLE OF BRANDY WHICH IS ALMOST EMPTY AND LOOKS AT GRANDAD ACCUSINGLY
DEL: Not as much as you by the looks of it
GRANDAD: It were medicinal Del
DEL: Medicinal? What have you got, a terminal illness or something?
RODNEY COMES INTO THE ROOM. HE IS WEARING NAVY OVERALLS WHICH ARE COVERED IN DUST, HIS FACE AND HANDS ARE ALSO CAKED IN IT. HE LOOKS LIKE HE HAS BEEN DOWN THE PITS.
DEL: Alright bruv?
RODNEY: All right? All bloody right? Look at me
DEL: Yeah look at the state of ya, you’ve been in half an hour and you haven’t even had a wash. Come on, look sharp, we’ve got to go out to work.
RODNEY: I know I’ve been in half an hour, I wanted you to see what sort of work environment you’re sending me into. When you said I had an important sales position with Boyce motors I didn’t think you meant cleaning dust and bird mess off the cars.
DEL: That is an important sales position, who wants dirty motor?
RODNEY: Every time I got to the end I had to start all over again, did you know they’d changed the bus route. Every twenty min… What do you mean we have to go out to work?
DEL: Well with you working for Boycie now I’m short handed, and because he ain’t paying you we have to make up the shortfall somehow. Now, did Boycie give you the keys to the limo?
RODNEY: Yes
RODNEY TOSSES THE KEYS TO DEL
DEL: Ah lovely jubbly. Now you go and get yourself washed Rodney, and put these on
DEL HANDS RODNEY A LONG WIG, A PAIR OF SMALL CIRCLE GLASSES AND A SIXTIES STYLE SUIT
RODNEY: I’m not wearing that
DEL: Yes you bleedin’ well are
GRANDAD: Do as your brother asks Rodney
DEL SITS BESIDE GRANDAD
DEL: Thank you grandfather
GRANDAD: Can I have a drink Del
DEL REALISES THAT THIS WAS GRANDADS INTENTION ALL ALONG AND GIVES HIM A KNOWING LOOK
DEL: Yeah, go on then
GRANDAD JUMPS UP AND HEAD TO THE BAR
RODNEY: Why have I got to wear this?
DEL: I’ll tell you why Rodney. You have got to wear that because I can’t afford to chuck those Wings LP’s into Triggers dustcart like I did with the last ones. If we don’t sell these we are finished, and you’ll be lucky to get a job cleaning cars for free.
GRANDAD SITS DOWN WITH HIS DRINK, RODNEY AND DEL WATCH IN AMAZEMENT AS HE DRAINS THE GENEROUS MEASURE HE HAS POURED HIMSELF
DEL: That’s it grandad, savour it
GRANDAD LETS OUT A SATISFIED BURP
RODNEY: Oh that’s lovely that is
DEL: Would you just go and get that clobber on
RODNEY: But why this Del?
DEL LAUGHS AT GRANDAD
DEL: Why that
GRANDAD STARTS LAUGHING
DEL: Why that grandad
GRANDAD: Are you stupid or something Rodney
THEY LAUGH FOR A BIT LONGER
GRANDAD: Why does he have to wear that Del?
DEL: Stone me! I’ll tell you why shall I. You are wearing that so that you look like John Lennon. We are then going to drive you round to all the youth clubs and discos in town and you are going to flog those LPs for two quid a go
RODNEY: Del nobody is going to believe I am THE John Lennon
DEL: I know the costume ain’t up to much but they’ll all be too pissed to notice
RODNEY: No I don’t mean that, I mean they won’t believe I’m John Lennon because he has been dead for two years
DEL: Has he? Has he really?
RODNEY: Yeah
DEL: Are you sure?
RODNEY: Yeah, it were on the news and everything
DEL LAUGHS AND RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER
DEL: We’ll knock ‘em out at three quid a go then.
RODNEY: Unbelievable, just unbelievable
DEL: Now are you going to get washed or not? Saying that, don’t bother washing and I’ve got a few BB King albums we can get rid of. Go on, off you go.
RODNEY HEADS TO OFF TO GET READY
DEL: I tell you what grandad, we’re on a winner here. Imagine, this time next year we’ll be millionaires.
END
Only Fools Fan Script – For The Record – was recently written by only fools and horses fan Kiel Phillips. Make sure you comment on the script and better still have a go at one yourself!
This has got to be a favourite fan script of mine you have really captured all the characters spot on ”creme da la mon” as the french would say
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it.
“even better than my Toothpaste script in my opinion” lmao
lol, yeah…
Loved it. I laughed out loud a lot which is something I don’t usually do. Especially when Trigger bought a record – brilliant joke. Decent length, plenty of jokes and a good plot. Looking very much forward for some more scripts from you now;)
Thank you. I have another one finished, just needs a bit of a polish and i’ll be sending it off.
That is an excellent script. Worthy of the great Mr Sullivan himself! Well done matey! I’ve done a script myself (not as good as yours) but can’t seem to find out how to get it on here. can you or anyone out there point me in the right direction?!
Thanks for the kind words. I sent my script by sending from here https://www.ofah.net/blog/fancy-writing-an-article/ Hope that helps.
Thanks for tlink mate. I’ll send it across. hopefully they’ll put it on here! I had lots of fun writing mine. It’s strange how you type and talk like them in your head isn’t it?!
Maybe one day these scripts could be filmed by a group of fans for us all to watch! That’d be lovely jubbly!
all the best
simon
Thanks for the kind words. You’re right about the Slow Bus To Chingford, it is my favorite episode so i wanted to pay a small homage to it but still make the script and story unique.
Best script I’ve read in here in as long as I can remember with some genuinely funny and original lines of dialogue.
Very Good Script, High standard, Great length, good story, and really believable interchanges between characters.
There are some parts i can see taken from different episodes, such as a Slow bus to Chingford, a Frogs Legacy and some others, However, i feel you made this story unique and fresh, and it’s definitely the best i have read on this website so far (even better than my Toothpaste script in my opinion)
I would be proud of this, well done :)