Mother Cassandra

Matthew Duncan recently sent this script, he tells us its the first of his stories for the OFAH Bate Project. It’s called Mother Cassandra, and as you guessed, it’s based around Rodney, Cassandra and baby Joanie, with a little sub-plot featuring Del, Raquel and an old school-friend of Raquel’s.

So here it is, Only Fools: The Bate Project
Mother Cassandra

Scene 1 – Rodney and Cassandra’s Flat – Kitchen, Morning

Rodney is feeding Joan, who is sitting at the table.

Rodney – There you go Joanie, I used to love corn flakes as a baby.

Rodney grabs a box of corn flacks and pours them into a bowl. A suited Cassandra enters.

RODNEY – What time will you be home?

CASSANDRA – Mr Gilmore has asked me to attend a meeting at the Parr Hotel with Mr Lutterbee, you don’t mind do you?

RODNEY – No, it’s not like you’re having an affair, Mr Gilmore is 89.

CASSANDRA – Mr Gilmore Jr.

RODNEY – 79?

CASSANDRA – Don’t worry roddy, I’m not going to steal our bank card and head off into the sunset with him. Mind you, he has just bought a red jag. I’d be tempted I won’t lie to you.

RODNEY – You couldn’t steal our card anyway, Del’s got it.

Cassandra panics.

CASSANDRA – Del?

RODNEY – Yeah, just to get Raquel a birthday present.

CASSANDRA – Raquel’s birthday is in December.

RODNEY – Oh god, he’ll be ordering 500 packets of crisp.

Rodney is about to make a quick exit.

CASSANDRA – Hold on, aren’t you forgetting someone?

Rodney looks over to Joan, who’s face is filled with corn flakes.

RODNEY – I’ve got to go and stop the Earl of Peckham, and then I’m in work.

CASSANDRA – She needs dropping off at the nursery.

RODNEY – Can’t you do it?

CASSANDRA – Roddy!

RODNEY – I do it every day, the other mums think I’m a single parent; they keep giving me their phone numbers.

CASSANDRA – I’m sure you can fend off some female attention.

RODNEY – Alright then, but tomorrow, you break the habit of a lifetime and take your daughter to nursery.

CASSANDRA – Are you calling me a bad mother?

RODNEY – Well you did put her in a freezing cold bath.

CASSANDRA – There was a salesman at the door. He kept talking about wood floors.

RODNEY – Of course you’re not a bad mother.

CASSANDRA – Your eye’s twitching, it does that when you lie.

Scene 2 – Nags Head, Bar, Afternoon

Rodney enters, and spots Del at the fruit machine in the corner of the bar.

SID – Alright Rodney!

Rodney ignores Sid and walks across to Del.

DEL – Alright bruv? Your lively on your feet aren’t ya, that’s what sitting in a chair all day does too you.

RODNEY – Where’s my credit card?

DEL – Here!

Del gives Rodney his credit card and they approach the bar.

DEL – You can get the drinks in now that you’re flush.

RODNEY – Raquel’s birthday is in December.

DEL – So?

RODNEY – It’s July.

DEL – Best to get in early.

RODNEY – In case every shop this side of London goes into meltdown.

DEL – Wouldn’t surprise me, take that rioting that we had to go through three years ago, a lot of people were left robbed and distraught.

RODNEY – Yeah I know, you were selling baseball bats and petrol to the rioters!

DEL – Yeah, well, they came to me asking for weapons, and they had such sweet faces, it’s hard to say no sometimes, especially to 9-year-olds.

SID – I know what ya mean, my wife’s sister used to fancy me, and whenever we went up to her cottage in the Summer holidays, she’d try to seduce me.

DEL – Oh yeah?

RODNEY – I think I better go and… Not be here.

SID – Well I say try, she succeeded, on many times as I recall, in many different areas of the back garden.

Del – Steady on Sid, Rodney’s coco pops will be splattered across the bar in a minute.

RODNEY – It’s true what they say, the old ones are the best.

DEL – Aye, granddad and uncle Albert went around the block a few times. God bless them, the dozy, useless old gits.

SID – I met a bird called Ada once; I fell for her like that. But she dumped me.

DEL – Oh dear. Not quite sex bomb then are you Sid? Oh well, least you had a try, what did you try next, Tap Dancing?

RODNEY – What happened?

SID – She was dating two brothers at the time, It didn’t worry me though, playing the field and all that.

DEL – You never met her two other boyfriends, these brothers.

SID – Nah, whenever she was with me, she told them she was with her grandmother.

RODNEY – Naughty girl! Knocking off three blokes at the same time. Did she have any kids? Del might have gone out with them… or her.

DEL – Oi, Oi, Oi, watch it you little sod, no women has ever cheated on Del-Boy.

SID – She convinced them an ‘all, even though her grandmother had died six months earlier, and they’d both attended the funeral.

Sid begins laughing, whilst Rodney and Del stare in amazement, knowing that the two brothers are in fact Granddad and Albert.

Rodney – Right well… I’ll be off for another enduring day in the world of technology.

Rodney exits.

Scene 3 – Corner Shop, Afternoon

Raquel and her friend Margo are walking through the shop, putting items into a basket.

RAQUEL – And after doing all the washing, and the ironing, Del has the nerve to ask me to get my sewing machine out to make a bridesmaid dress for his cousin Mavis.

MARGO – I know, I know, men take women for granted, its 2011, not 1952. You ever thought about appearing on Jeremy Kyle, under the title “My Man Doesn’t Get Me”

RAQUEL – With that title, I’d be quicker to climb Mount Everest.

Cassandra enters

RAQUEL – Cassandra?

CASSANDRA – Raquel?

RAQUEL – Well this is a surprise, I’ve not seen you for two months.

CASSANDRA – After that lock in at the Nags Head.

RAQUEL – Oh yeah, you turning up with two police officers.

CASSANDRA – You have to be cruel to be kind, my Roddy has a problem with peer pressure, especially with Del.

RAQUEL – Well, Rodney’s not a puppet.

MARGO – We were just saying Cassandra, we’re thinking of going on strike as a household skivvy.

RAQUEL – You’ll have to find a household to skivvy for first. Anyway, Cassandra doesn’t need to worry about that.

CASSANDRA – What do you mean by that?

RAQUEL – Well you’re not a natural housewife are you, I mean, your more of a Miss Davenport than a Nora Batty.

CASSANDRA – I’m a mother, and a wife.

RAQUEL – A man like Rodney was born as a mother-hen.

CASSANDRA – Are you calling my husband a homosexual? He likes a bit of ABBA granted.

RAQUEL – No, No, It’s just that Rodney’s nice, whereas Del gives me his clothes to iron at the beginning of the day and takes off his pants at the end. Most men are like that, aren’t they Margo?

MARGO – All of my six husbands were. Or was it 7? I tend to forget.

CASSANDRA – Too much information thank you.

Cassandra walks to the counter.

RAQUEL – (posh voice) – Homosexual is it? She’s become really ponsey since she started working again. She wears a hoody when she visits the flat and puts a newspaper down when she sits on the sofa.

MARGO – I seem to remember you being as soft as a marsh mellow before you came to Peckham.

RAQUEL – Yes Margo, and then I met a Trotter.

Scene 4 – Trotters Flat, Living room, Night

Del is sitting at the table, eating a pie and reading the paper.

DEL – Huh, psychic wanted, you know where to apply.

Margo and Raquel enter the flat with shopping bags.

RAQUEL – Oh alright Del, have you eaten?

DEL – No, I’m wasting away.

RAQUEL – Very funny.

MARGO – How do you not stop laughing at him?

DEL – She can come again, what is all this?

RAQUEL – Clothes, you know, things that cover you up, keep you warm, and prevent you from turning into a nudist.

DEL – How did you pay for them?

RAQUEL – We didn’t.

DEL – Margo, have you been leading my lovely wife…..

RAQUEL – …Significant other!

Raquel smirks at Del.

DEL – So I can expect a knock at the door any minute now. You’ll be known as the Peckham pixies if you’re not careful.

RAQUEL – Don’t be stupid, I’m not a Trotter by name or nature, Margo’s sister has just bought New Look in Town. She let us have this on a family discount.

DEL – Do they do men’s wear?

MARGO – Sorry, I could persuade my brother to buy next.

Del’s attention turns to Margo.

DEL – Sounds like your family do alright for themselves, what exactly is it that they do?

RAQUEL – Derek, a word in the kitchen please.

DEL – Of course dear! Me and Rodney used to call it the office, those were the days, usually when there was a tasty bird sitting in the living room.

MARGO – Glad I’m bringing back some memories for you Del.

Del laughs.

Scene 5 – Trotters Flat, Kitchen

Del and Raquel enter, and Raquel slams the door.

DEL – Something the matter sweetheart?

RAQUEL – Margo has been here for three days, and not ONCE have you shown any interest in her, other than her bra size, and DON’T think I didn’t notice you perving over her.

Del tries to interrupt, But Raquel goes on.

RAQUEL – And now you know about her wealthy family, all attention is to Margo.

DEL – You’re jealous, I get it, there’s no need to be my little rosebud. She’s attractive, slim, modern, good personality and a great sense of humour. But I’ve only got eyes for you… and Yasmine Bleeth.

RAQUEL – She’s a friend, and I’d like to keep her as a friend, which won’t happen if you make her a business offer.

DEL – Can i just interrupt you for a minute? I’ve got no intentions of getting involved with Margo’s rich family, Just how rich are we?… No, No, it’s alright, I don’t need to know.

Del sheepishly exits the kitchen.

Scene 6 – Rodney and Cassandra’s Flat, Living room, Night

Rodney enters, and is shocked to see that the flat has been cleaned from top to bottom.

CASSANDRA – (in the kitchen) – Rodney, is that you?

RODNEY – Cass?

Scene 7 – Rodney and Cassandra’s Flat, Kitchen

Cassandra, dressed in PJs, is cooking, and Joanie is sitting at the table with a colouring book. Rodney enters.

RODNEY – OK, I’m a little freaked out –  (panicked) – Your mothers not here is she?

CASSANDRA – No, I had a word with Mr Lutterbee, and he agreed to reduce my hours.

RODNEY – Why?

CASSANDRA – So I can spend time with my wonderful daughter and my lovely husband.

RODNEY – Who are you and what have you done with my wife or have I slipped into a parallel universe?

CASSANDRA – Roddy!

Rodney laughs and joins his daughter at the table.

RODNEY – Well, no offence but you’re not very……

CASSANDRA –  …….Maternal, motherly, I’ve already had the full SP from Raquel.

RODNEY – I knew it, anything weird always reverts back to Nelson Mandela bloody House. The council should seal it off. When they do, Earth will advance by 30 years. C’mon then, what’s she been saying?

CASSANDRA – She said I’m not a Nora Batty.

RODNEY – And that’s an insult to ya? Who dya want to be, Hilda Ogden? Oh no, I’ll have her in my head from this moment on when we’re… in the bedroom.

CASSANDRA – No, she means I’m not a mother, I’m a career women, a ruthless  businesswomen that you get on films… and EastEnders.

RODNEY – C’mon, she was probably joking, your maternal, look at what we went through to be parents? If that’s not maternal then I don’t know what is. Then again, I wouldn’t mind if you turned into Charlie Brooks for a bit.

CASSANDRA – Well, now that we’ve got a little bundle of joy, I’m going to make every day count.

Cassandra lifts Joanie out of her high chair and exits the kitchen.

RODNEY – (to himself) – Rodney Trotter, this is your wife.

Scene 8 – The Trotters Flat, Morning, Living room

Rodney is walking up and down, complaining to a half-awake Del, who is slumped in a chair at the table.

RODNEY – She made the breakfast, took Joanie to school, made a big steak meal for me and her parents, and throughout all that, she got herself ready for work, she’s not wonder women.

Del is falling asleep, until Rodney throws a book onto the table, making a big bang.

DEL – (shouting) – What you doing you soppy little….?

RODNEY – Is my presence keeping you from your bed?

DEL – its 9:30am, can’t you go round Triggers and complain about your marriage. It’s my day off.

RODNEY – Who too? Trigs too busy building his train set isn’t he, he’s been at it for four months.

DEL – He lost most of the bits.

RODNEY – Doesn’t surprise me, he bought it off you, and you bought it at a car boot sale.

DEL – OI!

Margo exits the kitchen, wearing a towel, leaving Rodney mesmerised.

DEL – Margo, this is my dopey brother Rodney, you have heard me speak of him, loudly.

MARGO – Someone could trip up on that tongue Rodney.

RODNEY – Huh?

Margo enters her bedroom (Albert’s old room)

DEL – Put your eyes back in, she’s Raquel’s mate. She’d eat a little plonker like you for breakfast.

RODNEY – And she’s living here?

DEL – Yeah, great innit?

RODNEY – Well, if the council finally decide to cut this estate off the map, Margo can come and live with me and Cass.

DEL – So, what’s the topic again?

RODNEY – Cassandra.

DEL – Oh groovy, get us a pain killer will ya?

RODNEY grabs a bottle of pills from the coffee table beside the sofa.

RODNEY – These are sleeping tablets.

DEL – They’ll do. Carry on.

DEL takes a load of sleeping tablets as Raquel enters.

RODNEY – Oh thanks Raquel, I heard you had a little chat with Cassandra.

RAQUEL/DEL – What?

RODNEY – Saying she’s not a Nora Batty stereotype, she’s a changed women overnight.

RAQUEL – Oh that, I didn’t mean to offend her; I was just speaking my mind.

RODNEY – Well your free speech has turned my wife into a Marge Simpson.

DEL – I can’t wait to see her hair?

RODNEY – What?

DEL – Oh sorry, I thought you meant the Marge Simpson hair, that would look great on Cassandra, might scare Joan a bit.

RAQUEL – I don’t see what the problem is, Cassandra gets to spend a lot of time with her daughter, and you don’t have to do everything that a mother and father should do together.

DEL – Yeah, I have to agree with Raquel on this one.

Raquel enters the kitchen.

DEL – I know what this is, you don’t want Cassandra doing all the things you do for Joanie, she won’t forget you overnight you know, how’s a child supposed to forget a face like that?

Rodney looks insulted.

RODNEY – Alright, alright, maybe you’re right, maybe I do smother Joanie sometimes, maybe because I never got to spend any time with the original.

The brother’s exchange faces of sadness.

DEL – She’s always there you know.

RODNEY – Oh yeah, got a knocked off resurrection casket in the garage have ya?

DEL – No, she’s always down at the cemetery, ready to listen to her two boys, and her two grandchildren.

RODNEY – Yeah, your right, I’m just being stupid about it aren’t I… I’ll take Joanie to see her grave I think.

DEL – You might find it in a bit of a state.

RODNEY – Damien and his crew been vandalising it again with their code name.

DEL – It’s not vandalism, he’s putting his mark on his grandmother’s legacy.

RODNEY – I never knew mum was so interested in heavy metal.

As he continues talking, Margo re-enters, dressed in a short skirt, leaving Del’s eyes fixated on her.

RODNEY – …….And anyway, we can do things as a family, like go to the zoo, or swimming. What do you think?

Del’s eyes are on Margo; Rodney tries to get his attention.

DEL – Yeah, I think your suit is nice Rodney.

Rodney sighs.

Scene 9 – The Cafe, Afternoon

Cassandra enters, pushing Joanie in her pram. Raquel and Margo are getting served.

MARGO – Oh watch out, here’s mother Teresa.

RAQUEL – Hey, be nice.

MARGO – Me! You’re the one who was being off with her yesterday.

CASSANDRA – Ladies, lovely day isn’t it.

It is raining outside.

CASSANDRA – Well it was.

MARGO – I love babies, how old is she?

CASSANDRA – 6.

MARGO – 6?

CASSANDRA – We get that a lot, she looks very young for her age.

JOANIE – Can I have a biscuit nice lady?

MARGO – Of course you can sweetheart.

JOANIE takes the biscuit and begins eating it.

JOANIE – Lovely Gubbly.

Margo and Raquel laugh.

RAQUEL – I wonder where she gets that from.

CASSANDRA – (quietly) – Hope not.

RAQUEL – What are you having?

CASSANDRA – No it’s alright, I’ll get these, you save your cash; I mean Damien’s college funds can’t be cheap, not in Manchester anyway.

RAQUEL – No, Del’s doing alright on the market.

CASSANDRA – Really?

RAQUEL – Yep, we won’t be coming to your bank for a loan…

CASSANDRA – …Again! We had to employ a replacement for the security guard the last time Del popped in, whilst the old one was in hospital with a broken toe.

Scene 10 – Rodney and Cassandra’s Flat, Night, Living room

Rodney is sitting on the sofa, reading a magazine; Cassandra can be heard reading a bedtime story to Joan in Joan’s bedroom.

CASSANDRA – (voice) – Dora flew around the colourful garden, chanting “up, up and away”

There is a knock at the door.

RODNEY – Cass, door.

CASSANDRA – (voice) – Can’t you get it, I’m reading Joan a bedtime story.

RODNEY – No, I just thought as your pretending to be a typical housewife, I’ll pretend to be a typical house master. You know, slobbing in front of the TV, watching the sport.

It is revealed that Rodney is watching Pokémon.

RODNEY – Drinking beer…

RODNEY takes glass of orange squash with a straw.

RODNEY – …and complaining about the world’s economies – (deep voice) – God, bring back hanging that’s what I say. S Club 7 should be put in front of a firing squad.

RODNEY opens the front door, it’s Alan.

RODNEY – Alright Alan, what are you doing round these parts?

ALAN – I came to collect the paperwork on the Lancashire job, make sure it’s all above board.

RODNEY – It is, don’t worry. I’m not some kind of idiot who sent the paperwork off to the wrong company am I?

ALAN and RODNEY sit in the living room.

ALAN – Where’s Cassandra?

RODNEY – In the bedroom, reading Joan a bedtime story.

ALAN – What is it this week? Round and round the bank, like a steady cheque.

Rodney laughs.

RODNEY – No, haven’t you heard, your daughters turned into Carol Jackson.

ALAN – How’s Del these days?

RODNEY – Yeah he’s alright, you should pop round.

ALAN – Nah I can’t, Pam gives me brownie points for every day I don’t see Del.

RODNEY – Scared you’ll fall of the jellied eel wagon is she?

ALAN – Yeah, even though she’s down at the Nags Head as we speak with Doris the Deviant and her crowd of lusty lasses. I was talking to trig the other day.

RODNEY  – Short conversation?

ALAN  – He was telling me about his train set and how he had managed to make a tractor out of the parts.

RODNEY – Blown all them rumours to bits, at least he’s got one talent that doesn’t come equipped with a sweeping brush.

Cassandra runs out of the bedroom, carrying Joan in her arms like an aeroplane, they re-enter the bedroom.

ALAN  – Who was that?

RODNEY – Exactly, I’m left longing for the return of my wife.

ALAN  – Trouble Rodney?

RODNEY – Cassandra has become all motherly, if it goes on, she’s going to lose her job, I feel like a spare part.

ALAN  – You know, you could bring the old Cassandra back.

RODNEY – How?

ALAN  – Create a disaster.

RODNEY – A disaster?

ALAN  – At the bank, Cassandra loves her job, and if a disaster occurs there, she won’t just leave it will she, she’ll go and sort it out, reverting back to her old self.

RODNEY – Makes me think though, who does she love more, the Bank or her daughter?

ALAN  – Rodney, how can you say that?

RODNEY – I know, I’m sorry.

ALAN  – No I mean how can you badmouth your wife without ten bottles of larger down ya? If Pam catches me, I’m on the naughty step for two weeks.

RODNEY – Your right you know Alan, that’s a good idea, I’ll do that, yeah, nice one.

ALAN – I think that earns me a couple of glasses of scotch.

RODNEY – Sure you don’t want to turn you phone off first, Pam’s probably got it micro chipped.

Scene 11 – The Bank, Gilmore’s office, day

Rodney and Mr Gilmore are sat at the desk.

MR GILMORE – So let me get this straight, you want me to start a fire at my bank, that may endanger the lives of my staff.

RODNEY – No, when you put it like that, it sounds insane.

MR GILMORE – Beyond insane Mr Trotter!

RODNEY – I don’t mean burn the bloody bank down, just create a fake disaster. God what do you think this is, Casualty?

MR GILMORE – What for?

RODNEY – So that Cassandra will come back to work, I mean, come on, she’s one of your highest achievers. She brings a lot of business to this bank doesn’t she?

MR GILMORE – I have to admit that is true. But what will the disaster be?

RODNEY – I don’t know, just don’t go over the top. Don’t dial 999 and have the SAS converging on the joint. Save that stuff for your dreams… and Rockstar gaming.

MR GILMORE – I know, I’m not stupid, I’m a bank manager.

RODNEY – Yeah, you’ve even got a pen with your name on haven’t ya?

MR GILMORE – Sarcasm can be very tiring.

Scene 12 – The Trotters flat, day

Margo is sitting on the sofa reading a magazine, the television is on. Del enters, and puts a big box on the table.

MARGO – What’s in that?

DEL – Olympics T-Shirts, Monkey Harris’s cousin’s boyfriend’s brother works for the BBC, and he managed to swipe a box for me.

MARGO – The Olympics isn’t for another six months yet.

DEL – Best to get in early, come April 2012, the market will be flooded with Olympics gear, I have to make a sale whilst I can.

Del goes behind his bar.

DEL – Oh not bloomin “How clean is your house”? I thought I got rid of all that daytime rubbish when Rodney and Cassandra moved out. Rodney was a demon for a bit of Kim and Aggie.

MARGO – Don’t worry, I’ll be gone soon, and then you and Raquel can have your love nest back.

DEL- Not much of a love nest anymore.

Del sits on the sofa with a whisky.

MARGO – She mentioned things between you two haven’t been the same since Damien left.

DEL – Nah, you know a couple of years ago, you couldn’t move in this flat, Rodney, Cassandra, Uncle Albert and Damien, they were all here, those were the days eh.

MARGO – Things don’t last forever Del. People move on or fall off the mortal curb.

DEL – You sound like Richard Hawking.

MARGO – My mum had a crush on him.

DEL – Your mum had a crush on Richard Hawking, she’s not living with Mr Bean is she up in Spain.

Margo laughs. Raquel enters, but stops at the door.

MARGO – You should take her out for a meal.

DEL – Who you’re mum?

MARGO – Raquel ya div!

DEL – Oh yeah, take her out for dinner, I’m not your brother, I don’t earn enough to take her for a slap up night up west.

MARGO – There’s a restaurant on the High Street.

DEL – Not anymore, it was firebombed by a couple of 12-year-old last week; this area is going to the Dogs. I remember when career criminals set fire to buildings, not kids who go home and snuggle up to their mum afterwards.

MARGO – Anyway, you and Raquel need to sort things out, you can’t count on Rodney and Cassandra to be around all the time.

DEL – I know, we’ve just drifted apart in recent months, what with other things going on in the family.

MARGO – Excuses, excuses.

DELl – No, Rodney went back to work for Alan and Raquel’s dad passed on didn’t he?

MARGO – Take my advice, if you want to make your relationship work, you’ll put the effort in.

DEL – the voice of experience?

MARGO – I’ve had more husbands than Pat Butcher, what do you think?

Raquel slams the door and enters the living room, having heard it all.

RAQUEL – Hi love.

DEL – Alright sweetheart, want a cup of tea?

RAQUEL- Nah, I’ve just been down the cafe with Jean.

DEL – Oh yeah, the things we do for our elders.

Raquel laughs.

RAQUEL – Are you going down the Nags Head later?

DEL – Might be, dya fancy going out somewhere?

RAQUEL – Nah, the Nag’s Heads fine isn’t it, do you fancy coming Margo?

Margo and Del look across to each other.

MARGO – Nah, I’ve got to see my brother before I go away.

RAQUEL – Oh, are you leaving?

MARGO – Yeah, I might call in on my niece in the East End.

DEL – She’s got the life of riley hasn’t she Raquel?

Raquel fakes a smile, and Del downs a whisky.

Scene 13 – Rodney and Cassandra’s flat, living room

Cass is playing with Joanie on the sofa, Rodney enters.

RODNEY – Oh god. Next stop Balamory.

CASSANDRA – Hi love, sit down; I’ll make ya a cup of coffee.

RODNEY – I hate coffee; remember when I almost died after drinking a cup of it.

CASSANDRA – That wasn’t coffee, it was gardening seeds.

Rodney sits down.

CASSANDRA – I’m thinking of taking Joanie to Disneyland.

RODNEY – WHAT?

CASSANDRA – Is something the matter?

RODNEY – Yeah there is something the matter with me.

CASSANDRA – What is it then?

RODNEY – You’re giving up your whole career because of what Raquel said, Joanie doesn’t need all that spoiling. She’ll grow up and end up hating us. Spoilt child’s always do. I knew a kid who made a dartboard with his parent’s faces painted onto it.

CASSANDRA – Parental guidance ala Rodney Trotter!

RODNEY – What’s that supposed to mean? Spoilt to me meant a round of toast in the morning, burnt to a crisp with my granddad an ‘all!

CASSANDRA – Did you grow up in the 1950s?

RODNEY – I’m just saying, if you continue to spoil her, she’ll end up turning on you with a knife right in the middle of Countdown.

CASSANDRA – I don’t watch Countdown.

RODNEY – It’s a figure of speech, like films on Crimewatch, old men getting beaten up whilst watching the National Lottery, and nine times out of ten, they’re numbers come up.

CASSANDRA – You don’t watch Crimewatch either, it gives you nightmares.

RODNEY – Well excuse me for being afraid of twelve year olds with guns, you can’t step outside your door these days without getting your living room window egged.

CASSANDRA – That’s not ASBO kids. That’s you and Del conning the residents of Peckham with tomatoes from two decades ago.

RODNEY – Take what I’ve said on-board.

CASSANDRA – I will, I just don’t want to miss out on anything in our daughters life.

RODNEY – But what about the bank?

CASSANDRA – What about it? You’ve been mithering me for years to stop thinking solely on the bank, you’re like a ferret nipping at my head all day long.

RODNEY – Ferrets are soft and furriery.

CASSANDRA – Well you don’t shave your body, it’s like sleeping with a wolf.

RODNEY – Are you finished? Good.

Rodney enters the kitchen, leaving Cassandra laughing. There is a knock at the door. Rodney pops his head through the kitchen door, smiling.

RODNEY – I wonder who that could be. Cassandra – The Tomatoes Tribe!

Rodney opens the door, its Mr Gilmore, who is running around the hallway.

MR GILMORE – BIG DIASTER, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, PLEASE HELP ME, BIG TROUBLE…

RODNEY – Shut up you idiot, what are you doing?

MR GILMORE – I’m doing what you told me to do. I’ve always fancied a bit of acting, I stopped off at the theatre to watch a bit of Blood Brothers to get a bit of know-all.

RODNEY – It won’t take much dedication. I didn’t tell you to impersonate a character from the Bill. I told you to create a disaster, and possibly burn your entire lifework down.

Rodney drags Mr Gilmore inside.

CASSANDRA – Oh hello Mr Gilmore.

MR GILMORE – Oh, it’s The Chase, I love the Chase; the wife has banned it in our house. One incident at a Coronation Street convention had her searching the yellow pages for a hitman for Bradley Walsh.

Rodney hits Mr Gilmore on the head with a newspaper.

MR GILMORE – Oh, Cassandra, There’s a big disaster at the bank, we need you back.

Mr Gilmore continues to watch the TV.

CASSANDRA – What kind of disaster?

MR GILMORE – Er…. Mr Lutterbee has been murdered.

Mr Gilmore’s attentions are solely to the TV.

CASSANDRA – WHAT?

Rodney looks panicked, as Mr Gilmore continues to watch the TV.

CASSANDRA – What happened?

MR GILMORE – A bird on the desk revealed he had slept with her, his wife came in, bang, bang, bang, there was some sad music and then some paramedics covered him up with some curtains.

RODNEY – Bloody….

CASSANDRA – I must get down there straight away, he’s our biggest customers, if he’s dead, we’re all screwed, plus he’s a friend, his grandson painted our nursery.

RODNEY – Del painted our nursery.

CASSANDRA – And I had to pay an extra £200 to put right Del’s handy work. Sorry Roddy, I’ve got to go.

Cassandra kisses Joan on the head and makes a swift exit.

MR GILMORE – YES, HE’S ON £10,000.

RODNEY – Gilmore, are you a complete idiot?

MR GILMORE – No, I run a bank.

RODNEY – You’ve just told Cassandra that your biggest client is in the morgue.

MR GILMORE – I never said the morgue, all I said was that he had been playing away with a clerk.

RODNEY – When you’re finished, you can close the door on your way out.

MR GILMORE – You’re joking, it’s two episodes of “In It to Win It” back-to-back in half hour. I’m drawn to quiz shows like moss to a flame.

Mr Gilmore jumps on the sofa.

RODNEY – Would you like a beer sir?

MR GILMORE – That’d be lovely, can you ring my wife and tell her I’ve gone away for a fortnight.

RODNEY – Well I don’t see why not, you’re gonna have to disappear when your bosses find out about your armature dramatics.

MR GILMORE – You’ve got Sky HD. I’ve hit the jackpot.

The End