Toothpaste

Toothpaste – Fans Script Based around 1986/87

Scene 1 – Trotters Living room:

(Del enters with a box full of toothpaste tubes, Rodney is sat at the dining table eating some cornflakes, Albert is watching the Television, you get the impression it is a Sunday Morning.)

Del – “Rodney, Give us a hand, will you, Make some room for these”

(Rodney begins to clear some room on the dining table.)

Del – “No, I’ll need more room than that Rodder’s, you see, i’ve got 20 boxes of this stuff”

(Rodney Looks in the box)

Rodney – “What is it?”

Del – “It’s toothpaste innit, I’ve got 600 tubes of it”

Rodney – “600 Tubes!, How much did they cost?”

Del – “Not much Rodders”

Rodney – “You mean they’re stolen?”

Del – “Never mind where there from Rodney, just go and fetch the boxes will ya”

Rodney – “Where are they Del?”

Del – “Just outside the door there”

(Rodney goes to fetch the boxes, he shouts back towards del)

Rodney – “I can’t see them Del, Where are they?”

Del – “They’re in the Van, Go and get them you lazy git”

(Del throws the van keys towards Rodney, and shuts the door on him)

Scene 2 – Outside:

(Rodney is outside, un-loading the Van, he is piling the boxes up, He decides to unscrew one of the toothpaste tubes, and has a little sniff – As he is sniffing the Toothpaste, A neighbour walks past and gives him a funny look)

Neighbour – “Hello Rodney, you back on the Glue?”

Rodney – No, No, This is some Toothpaste, Del bought it, i’m just helping him un-load the van”

Neighbour – “Oh, i see, Here, i’ll buy some off you, How much is it?”

Rodney – “erm, i’m not sure”

Neighbour – “I tell you what, I’ll take a tube of it now, and If it‘s any good, I‘ll buy a box from you later, alright”

Rodney – “Yeah alright”

Neighbour – “Oh, Which Flat is it?”

Rodney – “Erm.. The 13th floor, the Door with all the car batteries piled up outside”

Neighbour – “Oh I know where you mean, those Batteries have been their for ages”

Rodney – “Yeah, Del’s waiting for someone to steal them”

Neighbour – “Ok then, I’ll come round later, and let you know, Cheers Rodney”

(The Neighbour takes the tube, and walks out of view – Rodney shuts the van, and is left figuring out how to move the 19 boxes of Toothpaste up to the flat)

Scene 3 – Back in Trotters Living room:

(Albert and Del are talking about the Toothpaste)

Albert – “What do you want with Toothpaste Del?”

Del – “Ey”

Albert – “I mean, no ones going to buy Toothpaste from you”

Del – “What is that supposed to mean?”

Albert – “I mean, people look after their teeth, they’re not going to buy Toothpaste from you, not with your reputation”

Del – “What are you going on about now, you old div?”

Albert – “Never mind, do you wanna cup of Tea”

Del – “Listen Unc… This isn’t actually Toothpaste, If you put this near your teeth you’d have none left”

Albert – “What is it then?”

Del – “Well.. You know the Driscoll brothers?”

Albert – “Yeah, i’ve heard stories about them”

Del – “Well i’m looking after this stuff for them, you see this is not Toothpaste, it’s something else, here, look at this”

(Del hands Albert a piece of paper, Albert reads it, Albert struggles to read the name)

Albert – “Hydroflouric Acid”

Del – “Yeah that’s the stuff”

(Albert continues to read the piece of paper)

Albert – “Hydroflouric acid will eat through anything except teflon, It will eat through all metals, and is extremely Dangerous”

Del – “Yeah, i think i’ll have that cup of tea now Unc”

Albert – “What do the Driscoll brothers want with this stuff Del?”

Del – “It’s Danny Driscoll you see, he’s got banged up… They’re going to send him this stuff so he can escape, though the window bars or something – Anyway, Tony is coming round at 3 to pick it up, so in a few hours, it’ll be gone.

Albert – “Well i want nothing to do with it”

Scene 4 – Trotters Flat (about 15 minutes later)

(Rodney now enters the Flat, he is looking extremely pleased with himself)

Del – “What you looking so happy about Rodney, you back on the Glue?”

Rodney – “I have just this minute managed to sell some of this Toothpaste”

Del – “You’re Joking, please tell me your Joking!”

Rodney – “What’s wrong now, i thought you’d be happy”

Del – “You….Idiot!!!”

(Rodney is looking confused)

Del – “Who did you sell them to?”

Rodney – “I’m not sure”

Del – “oh come on Rodney, this isn’t a joke”

(suddenly in the distance we can hear a loud scream of pain, Del and Rodney look at each other)

Rodney – “Bloody ‘ell Del, what have you done?”

Del – “I ain’t done nothing, It’s nothing to do with me”

Rodney – “Nothing to do you with you!, why is that woman screaming?”

Del – “Just keep quiet Rodney, Now just tell me, Who did you sell the Toothpaste to”

Rodney – “I don’t know her name Del, She said she’ll pop round later, and buy a box from you”

Del – “You mean… You told her our address?”

Rodney – “Yeah”

Del – “You Dipstick Rodney, this is very serious”

(Suddenly someone rings the doorbell, Del and Rodney look at each other and are both extremely worried)

Del – “Albert, go and answer the door, and act stupid”

Albert – “What do you mean, act Stupid?”

Rodney – “Just act yourself”

Albert – “What should I say”

Del – “I don’t care, just pretend you don’t know us, and we’ll hide in the kitchen, Come on Rodney”

(Del and Rodney go and hide in the Kitchen, Albert opens the door)

Albert – “Hello dear”

Neighbour – “Come on, Where is he?”

Albert – “Where is who?”

Neighbour – “That gormless sod who sold me this”

(The Neighbour shows Albert her Toothbrush, the end of the toothbrush has been melted off, the Woman has had a very lucky escape, and her teeth are fine)

Albert – “You’d better come in Love…. Del, Rodney, Come out here.”

Del – “Good job Unc, you got rid of her…….”

Neighbour – “No, I’m here, and I want Compensation, I could of lost my teeth”

Del – “Ahh, In that case, you’ll be wanting Rodney, he is my financial adviser, he’ll deal with your compensation”

Neighbour – “Where is he?”

Del – “Just in the kitchen there, I’m off out, Unc, when Tony comes give him those boxes will you. Thanks”

(The Neighbour walks into the kitchen, you can hear the beginning of an argument between her and Rodney – The credits begin to roll)

The End